So, I fell asleep and was snoozing away when what do I hear……..the sound of jingle bells!! Yup, JINGLE BELLS!! I thought to myself, damn, that old elf is early this year!! Hmmmmm, maybe this means I get a Christmas Gift! Yay me!!
I spring to my feet only to see……..Judy’s cat had once again taken off his collar and was batting it, bell and all, around the floor. So much for jingle bells, so much for Santa deciding to show up early…..or at all. I swear to you this stinking cat (literally, but more on that later) picked up his collar, bell and all, shook his head and leapt over the back of the couch.
I continued to hear the tinkle, tinkle of the bell for a few minutes, then……silence. Until……..
A snort, long and drawn out, erupted from beneath the covers, deep and full bodied, it washed over me like an ocean wave, growing in tone and volume only to fade away into nothing. Sitting there I watched as the blanket rose slightly and this sound, deep and raspy, almost a growl, grew in volume and tone once again until it crested into a long, drawn out, rumbling like a small locomotive laboring uphill. It began tapering off, diminishing to a soft growl only to once again grow and blossom into an indescribable racket. I began to wonder if I had awakened on the set of a new Stephen King cemetery movie.
Then from the other room a sound akin to thunder assaulted me, rhythmic and loud, it sounded almost like the Tell-tale Heart was attempting to give away my murderous thoughts. Thump, thump, thump, thump…..all accompanied with a rumble that would put to shame any echo of thunder across the hills.
Suddenly the smell hit me. Clawing up my sinus cavities only to slam into my brain with a force that caused my stomach to clinch and my teeth to grit. Even the noise from the couch, which could only be described as the death throes of a large, overweight elephant with asthma, faltered and then dwindled to a stop. Four pounds of wrinkled skin wrapped around a fifty pound attitude that had been producing those sounds had awaken. A small, round, fur covered head poked out from under the covers, big black eyes squinting and unfocused, to sniff once, twice then the little square nose crinkled and a puff of air escaped indicating that there was nothing of interest laying outside the nice, warm blankets. As suddenly as it appeared, the little red head was gone, disappearing back into the dark land of sleep and comfort that lay under the nice warm blankets.
Once again sounds that should only be made by a three hundred pound man with a deviated septum began to echo through the room. I sat there, amazed and disgusted as the smell continued to assault me. Although the little red dog didn't seem to think it was so bad, it wasn't diminishing and my eyes had begun to water as my stomach rolled, threatening to add it’s own odor to the noxious fumes flooding the house.
It wasn't a difficult job to follow the stench to the source. I knew what it was, there was only one thing on the face of the earth that smelled that bad………cat shit. Yup, no doubt about it, the big, grey cat had once again made a night deposit and failed to properly seal it away in the box of magic sand. Quaking with a combination of fear and dread, I approached the large, spoiled feline with trepidation. He stared directly into my eyes as he reached out one large, round paw to scratch at the metal filing cabinet and produce the rhythmic rumble that had sent my mind to the depths of old Stephen King movies.
Knowing that he had not only awakened me with his Santa impersonation, but had terrorized me with the stench that could only be produced in the bowels of a cat’s internal shit factory, he gave his paw a quick swipe with his tongue, stood up, stretched and sauntered out of the room, secure in the knowledge that I, his lowly human slave, would dispose of said shit and the accompanying foul smell.
Having done my duty as the servant of all things feline, I headed back to my pallet to catch some sleep.
Yeah, right, sleep, that’s what I would catch. Between the lingering sulfur scent of the nightly deposit and the symphony of grunts, growls and whistles that escaped the little ball of attitude under the blanket, I knew sleep was a far off goal that would not be reached so quickly.
The grey reincarnation of Baby Face Nelson, sat staring into space, the end of his short, fat tail twitching like a crack addict going through withdrawal. Across the room lay his intended victim, sleeping peacefully and totally unaware of the attack that was approaching. With a leap that would have done an Olympic athlete proud, the grey striped demon launched himself with the precision of an armed missile. Screeching and fur flying ensued. Screams like tortured metal filled the air as the two felines tumbled and rolled across the floor.
It was too much! Armed with a spray bottle and a rolled up newspaper I began to extract the vengeful punishment upon the two hate filled creatures. The mayhem proceeded as the three of us ran, jumped and screeched around the house. The end result was the yellow kitten hid behind the couch while the grey demon ran with the speed of the guilty to the bedroom of his mistress where he was sure to receive love and pity from his still half asleep mistress.
Sleep had fled on the wings of feline destruction. I stumbled into the kitchen and reheated a cup of coffee left over from the night before no sense in wasting good coffee and it had been good, now it was strong, thick and black, just what I needed after the chaos of the morning.
Now I am sitting here, sipping on my first cup of fresh coffee, plotting my revenge for being assaulted in so many ways before the sun had risen. My heart is still thudding a little after the early morning turmoil that our own personal Santa Claws had caused.
Maybe later, while he is sleeping off the after effects of his morning war effort, I will jingle his bells!!
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