December 22…

Today is the 356th day of the year, with only nine days left until we usher in 2015.

A bunch of shit has happened on this day in history, but that is true of every single day of the year.  We humans have been around too long for there NOT to have been some serious shit happening every single day!

On this day in the year 69, yup you heard me correctly 69, Emperor Vitellius was dragged out of hiding, chased  up some steps and basically turned into mince-meat.  His killers cut off his head and paraded it around the streets of Rome!!  Yup, how’s that for a good old Santurnalia decoration??  Of course, the Romans were so pissed off they couldn’t stop at simply killing the Emperor, they also did away with his son and his brother, and probably any and all male slaves, pets, livestock etc.

Good old Vitellius wasn’t some soft, sissified little Emperor.  At least not at first.  Oh no, he was a hard ass.  He had been one of only two Consuls in the year 48,  which basically means that he was a big shot during peace times and an extremely powerful military power during wartime.  The “Consuls” were the HIGHEST office in the Republic, answerable ONLY to the Emperor and no one else.  Of course it was also an appointed office and it was only for a year, but still, it made you a hot shot for the rest of your life. 

If that weren’t enough to get good old Vitellius in the limelight, in either the year 60 or the year 61 (historians can’t seem to get their shit together on this one) he was assigned Proconsul to Africa!!  Which means he left Rome, went to Africa and ruled in the place of the Roman Emperor for a year or so and then came home, with no one dying, no one running off, etc.  He was basically the African Governor and they seemed to have liked and respected him.

After being a good Roman leader for all those years, someone had the great idea of selecting him to command the army of Germania Inferior, basically all of countries that surround the Mediterranean Sea.  Yup, he was in charge of the largest Roman army that was in existence at the time!!  And you know what, they really, really, really liked him!!  He seemed like a good old boy to them, but of course you can’t be a good old boy and maintain order and discipline!  Nope, you’ve got to give orders, not suggestions!
Anyway, the soldiers liked him so well they proclaimed him Emperor of the armies of Germania Inferior and Superior!   Yup, the army decided he should be emperor!  But then again, the transfer of power in Rome was never an easy thing, people HAD to die, and people did die!

Once he became the ultimate power in the world, his loyal followers found out he wasn’t what they had thought he was.  He became, by all accounts, lazy, self-indulgent and so fond of eating and drinking that he grew to be morbidly obese.  He’d even go so far as sent the Roman navy off to find rare foods he had heard about so he could eat himself into a stupor!  All the while he was starving his own Mother to death!!  Yup, he ate like a pig and the woman that gave birth to him had not a single morsel to eat.

For all of his laziness, he did manage, probably by accident, to do two important things that outlasted him.  He put an end to the practice of Centurions selling furloughs and exemptions of duty to their men, something that was said “all good emperors” would (and did) do.  And he also expanded the offices of Imperial Administration beyond the imperial pool of Freedmen so the lower class aristocrats could take up positions in the Imperial Civil Service.  As a side note he also outlawed all astrologers from the entirety of Rome and Italy, and would execute any he came across.  Yup, he definitely didn’t know what the stars held for his future.  Good thing too!!

The armies of the East didn’t like the way this fat, lazy man was running the “known” world, so they deserted  him and held up their own person for the title of Emperor, Titus Flavius Vespasianus, who by the way, established an dynasty that ruled the Empire for twenty seven years!!  Yup, Flavius was the shit!!
Anyway, back to Vitellius.  This fat coward decided he didn’t want to die, but then again, who wouldn’t, and tried to resign from office.  The terms of resignation were drawn up, but some people weren’t happy about it and forced the fat man back to the palace to return the insignia of empire.  Then he went and hid!!  Yup, he hid like a frightened little rabbit.  Didn’t do him any good though, nope, nope,nope!

Once the troops marched into Rome they searched him out, dragged him into the street and chased him to the Gemonian stairs, a dishonorable place to die.  These stairs were the usual place of execution, and the bodies were using left to rot, not to mention be savaged by dogs and other carrion animals, in the full view of the entire Forum then thrown into the Tiber.  Yup, it was a disreputable place to die!  Especially if you were dragged out of hiding and chased like a dog only to be strangled and stabbed here! 

That’s when they beheaded him and carried his head around town!!  What a great way to celebrate a winter holiday!!  Those Romans always went above and beyond, didn’t they??

Anyway, unlike poor Vitellius, we have nine more days to a New Year!  Hopefully 2015 won’t involve being chased up some steps only to meet an untimely end!!

I think I’ll take the elevator from now on myself!!