Christmas is coming......

So, here it is the 16th of December and we in West Virginia are faced with the normal weather related troubles.

For those of you that are not familiar with my blogs, and have not read about the amazing weather we here in God's Country have, let me enlighten  you!

West Virginia has the usual Spring, Summer, Autumn and Winter, pretty much like anyone else in this part of the world.  But, we are also blessed (yeah right) with THREE SUB-seasons!!

Yup, I just told you we have a total of SEVEN seasons here in West-by-God.

You see, when that dreaded Old Man Winter is making his way to us we have to suffer the indignities of PRE-Winter, or Post-Autumn if you will.  That simply means that in December we will have temperatures ranging from below zero to 60 degrees.

Today is a fine example.  Here we are, all dressed up (decorations) and waiting for the lovely white blanket of snow to grace our hills and valleys.  Picture perfect Winter scenes dancing in our minds as we glob on the tinsel and hang the last light.  It sounds, and should be, BEAUTIFUL!!!

Is it??

Nope, nope, nope!!

Instead of the beautiful, unblemished blanket of pure, clean, white snow, we have.....da, da, da,dummmmmm, BROWN!!

Yup, Winter MUD season is upon us!!

Instead of uniquely beautiful flakes of purest white drifting down from the sky like feathers fallen from angel wings, we have RAIN!!  Yup, each and every drop is exactly the same, each one fat with potential to make our yard a sea of greasy, slimy, think brown muck!!

For some reason mud doesn't reflect the red, green and white of Christmas lights quite as well as snow would.

It's not near as fun to have a mudball fight in 40, snowball fights would be much better!!

Mud on the road is just as dangerous as snow, actually more so!!

I've yet to have a shirt/coat/gloves/shoes/pants ruined by being stained by snow!

Let me give you a few insights about West Virginia mud:

1. Get the visions of bikini clad women wrestling grabbing each other and rolling in a substance that looks like melted chocolate.  This is NOT mud from any region of West Virginia!  (And probably not from any region on earth, but hey, everyone believes what they see on Jerry Springer, right?) The composition of West Virginia mud is more along the lines of sand, clay, tiny gravel, heavy dose of slime and residual feces from various and sunder animals.

2. West Virginia mud is slimy, thick, heavy and clingy all at the same time!  Yup, you will slip and fall (perhaps break something) in this stuff and when you try to stand up you will find that you are weighted down by 40+ pounds of clumpy, slimy, stiff, cold mud!  Imagine becoming a Golem and attempting to run a 10K race!

3. West Virginia mud will stain ANYTHING!!  Skin, clothing, shoes, metal, plastic, you name it and it will be stained.  NOTHING will get this color off of or out off any material.  If you stain your clothing just give up!  Yup, your choices are, throw it away, wash it and then promptly mix clothing dye a sickening shade of shit brown and dye said article, tear it up and use it for rags.  Whatever you do, do NOT be fooled into thinking OXYClean will remove the stain......this is the stuff God used to dye the fur of numerous animals during creation!!

4. No matter what you may think, no matter what previous experience you have had with mud, be prepared to be assaulted by a stench like none other if you are unlucky enough to fall down in this stuff.  Yup, an odor akin to stagnant shit seems to explode from West Virginia mud anytime it is disturbed!  Being pissed off about the smell and stomping across the muddy yard will only serve to stir up a stench the likes of which you will never forget!!

5. West Virginia mud is COLDER than snow!  Yup, sounds crazy, but it's true!  This brown crud is so cold that it leaves you not only stained a wonderful shade of shit brown, but when it is caked on it will give you a bone deep ache.  It is cold!  As in cold as the grave!!  As a matter of a fact I'm pretty sure West Virginia mud holds the origins for that saying!

Anyway, I'm pretty sure you get the idea!

So, while the rest of the Northern Hemisphere celebrate the Winter Solstice, Christmas and all the other beautiful Winter Holidays wrapped in red, gold, silver, blue and green, West Virginia will once again celebrate this Holiday Season in the cold, depressing, drab brown of Winter Mud!