So, by now I should either be better or dead, right? Well, slowly getting better, I think. I’m still weak as a kitten and get winded simply walking up or down the steps, but, I’m sleeping, I can eat and I’m not running a fever. See, getting better.
Of course I haven’t gone anywhere in three weeks….yup, THREE weeks. To say I’m a little bit stir crazy would be an understatement, but it’s been cold and snowy outside and I HATE to breath the cold air……it leads to coughing, hacking, puking and peeing myself!! Yup, I said it, PEEING MYSELF.
You see, I’m a woman of a certain age (re: over 50) and I have given birth to FOUR children, so things don’t work the way they used to. I usually don’t have the pee issue, but when I start coughing really badly I do dripple a bit. Just a bit, not like a gusher or anything, a drop or two.
Damn, I’m really getting defensive about a couple of escaped drops of pee, aren’t I? Well, blame it on society! Blame it on my kids!! Blame it on anything but me!!
It’s beginning to worry me some. I’ve heard the stories about women who can’t even laugh without pissing themselves! I DO NOT WANT TO BE ONE OF THOSE WOMEN!! I CANNONT be one of those women! I laugh entirely too much to spend my life running for the potty every time!! Or worse, I’d walk around smelling like a pissy diaper!! Nope, can NOT do that!!
But, time and motherhood will make things rough on a woman. Do NOT say Kegel exercises!! It’s all well and good, but when the pressure is on NO amount of squeezing will stop the flow!
So, I guess I just have one MORE reason to get over this respiratory shit! It’s bad enough feeling like crap, and coughing and hacking, but the pissing myself has GOT to stop!!
Enough of that!!
We’ve had snow lately. Big, wet, fluffy flakes of wet, cold snow. It’s stayed around long enough to be a nuisance and, as you well know, I HATE nuisances!!
Today is warm enough that the snow is melting rapidly and the ground is once again turning into a layer of mud that will suck the shoes off a well shod horse!! I don’t really mind so much this time, seeing as how I haven’t gone outside in like forever! But I have to go out and about day after tomorrow or Saturday. Hopefully by then there won’t be any soul sucking mud or freezing snow!!
I’m not looking forward to going out and about, especially with this pissing myself thing going on!! And before you say it, YES I have heard of Depends and YES I have heard of Always Discreet! But, no matter what the commercials say, they look like DIAPERS!!! Yup, adult diapers (oddly enough that is what they were first called) that are not near as cute as those little baby diapers with the duckies and such!
And the pads?? Yeah, right! It’s bad enough when I had to wear those rolls of cotton for 5 days a month, but to wear them EVERY day for the rest of my life?? No thank you!!
Yeah, I have noticed that we are back on the topic of me peeing myself. If you can’t tell it is really bothering me!! Really, REALLY bothering me!!
I am sure that this is a temporary thing, at least I hope so, but what if it isn’t?? What if I have to spend the rest of my life worrying about every cough, every laugh, every sneeze??? I have allergies!! This could be disastrous!! Hay fever season?? GOOD GOD, HAY FEVER season?? I will be floating!! I will be a natural disaster!!
This has got to be temporary!! I cannot live the rest of my life worrying every moment!! I refuse!
I suppose I could stop drinking things. No water, no milk, no soda, no coffee……NO COFFEE??
Hmmmm, NO, that is NOT an answer. Well, it may be an answer to this problem, but I guarantee that it is the beginning of other, worse, problems.
Since a small part of the world would NOT survive me without coffee, I guess I am going to have to figure out a different approach to fix the great pee problem.
Let’s see, there is medication!! Yup, that must be the answer, medication!!
There’s BOTOX!! Yup, Botox! The same medication that will get rid of wrinkles and make me look younger will take care of my pee problem! Of course I would have to be on the look out for things like a hoarse voice, drooping eyelids, vision loss, muscle weakness, trouble breathing, talking or swallowing and LOSS OF BLADDER CONTROL! WTF?? I can’t take a medication to HELP me not pee myself only to have that same medication MAKE me pee myself ALL THE TIME!!
Nope, BOTOX is OUT!!
I could take DETROL! Yup, that’s the answer!! It works and even has an extended release formula that I could take!! Sounds good!! Now let’s see, what are the side effects?? Abnormal vision? Well, hell, I already have that, it’s why I wear glasses! Chest pain? Not good!! Cough? NOPE, cannot do that either!! Bloody painful urination?? NO, NO and NO!!
Can’t take Detrol either! Damn! What else is there??
Oxytrol? Only if you want eye pain, skin rashes, confusion, clumsiness, hallucinations? ABSOLUETLY NOT! I mean shit, if you’re confused and clumsy you will miss the toilet!! And if you are hallucinating you won’t KNOW if you need to go!!
Screw that!! I think I’ll just deal with the occasional leaks and hope for the best!! Otherwise I will be insane AND wet!
Well, I’m out of here! I need to visit the ladies room…..NOW!!
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