There was another failed attempt on my life tonight. I thought I heard the big grey fur-demon actually whisper something about the assassins failing again, but that could have been the adrenalin.
You see, it went something like this…..I was going in to the bathroom to, well, do usual bathroom stuff. As I enter that small room with the porcelain throne, I am intent on NOT waking anyone up It’s late, everyone is asleep except me, and it’s POLITE to be quiet and RESPECTFUL of others!!
Anyway, I reach around the door frame, fumbling for the light switch because this little room has no windows and it is late and pitch black, and having a light will prevent me from accidentally having, well, an accident. The light flares, I am momentarily blinded when suddenly.
Something hits the back of my knee, a weight, soft and solid, slams into me and causes me to stumble. I loose my footing and begin to fall, knowing that my poor, soon to be crushed, skull will come into solid contact with the afore mentioned throne. In the split 1.8 seconds that it takes for my one hundred and thirty pound body to come into contact with the cold, hard floor, I manage to twist my body while bending as far forward as I can. Then comes the blinding pain.
Tears spring to my eyes and my ears ring, the back of my head grazed the throne, causing a headache the size of which would bring King Kong down from the tower in search of a Tylenol! I lay there, still and in pain, when my blurry eyes light upon……..
The fucking grey demon cat, sitting, quiet and regal, while staring at me and mumbling something about “yet another failed attempt!”
That little bastard is doing his best to kill me! I’m convinced that he has a life insurance policy with my name on it. If he makes it look like an accident the little shit will collect enough cash to keep him in tuna, chicken strips and scoop-able litter to last a dozen feline lifetimes! Not to mention he will be able to pay someone to take care of his worthless ass!!
That damn cat has been attempting to kill me for about six months now. I’m afraid that one day he will succeed. He and I have a hate/hate relationship. The only time he acts as though I am anything but an animated clawing post is when one or more of the following takes place:
1.) His litter box has uncovered turds in it. You would think the meowing feces machine could cover his own shit, I mean the large of majority of felines are VERY finicky about that, but this one, oh no!! He actually believes that he can come to me and rub and mew and rub and then run toward the kitty litter box and I will come and COVER HIS SHIT!! Now I admit that there has been a time or two when I have rushed to the kitty litter box, grabbed the pooper scooper and slung litter over the errant turd, but that ONLY takes place if the evil bastard leaves one while I’m on my computer! HE STINKS! Worse than ANY cat I have ever been around. I’m not sure what is going on inside his mangy hide, but it must be something sinister!!
2.) If he can see even one millimeter of white (the color of his food bowl) through the shit producing cat food he will come to me and act like a starving child. He will rub and lick and jump, he will be CUTE in every single way possible. HE WILL BE CUDDLY KITTEN!! Cuddly my ass, he’s a manipulative, self-center ball of fur!!
3.) If there are no birds or squirrels on the back deck this fur ball with come and scream at me, rub on me and traipsing around like some type of royalty! Yup, the birds and squirrels are considered “Cat TV” and if there is nothing on then it is, in the furry bastard’s opinion, MY responsibility to remedy the problem!!
You must keep in mind that this is NOT my cat, it is my friend’s cat. It never bothers her for anything more than a little bit of milk (which may explain the stinking kitty logs) in the mornings. If he does something that I have to get onto him about he runs to her like a spoiled child would run to its mother! HE IS ROTTEN.
But of course he doesn't have a life insurance policy on his Mistress. Nope, that just wouldn't work. He would have no one to protect him when he does something stupid, like jump on another cat while it’s sleeping peacefully and starting a bloody fight, or knocking stuff off of the counter or, the worse one yet, pissing in someone’s boot! No, if he took a contract out on his Mistress he would NOT be a cat, he would be the lining of a beautiful pair of gloves!!
When he starts his shit, I usually toss him onto the back deck. But today it’s so cold that I can’t do that. As much as I would like to “cool his jets” I cannot purposely cause him to suffer..well, not that much anyway.
Speaking of cold, my God!! It’s ridiculously cold!! The birds are all puffed up and the squirrels peek out from the nice, warm holes they have found in the trees. Even the lure of corn doesn’t bring them out.
We are experiencing, once again, a Polar Vortex. Polar, in this context, means of the North or South Pole. In other words DAMN COLD!! Vortex means swirling mass of air. So a Polar Vortex is basically a North Pole whirlwind that sits over us like a mother hen on a nest.
The “dusting” of snow that we were expecting yesterday ended up being five and a half inches of cold, fluffy white stuff. Now, with the Polar Vortex hovering over, the wind picks up that fluffy white snow and launches it into the air, blinding everything that it encounters. The field across the road looks like a scene from a fantasy movie in which forces of good and evil are battling with ice and magic. Twisting, twirling, blinding snow tossed on a sea of cold polar air.
Fancy words to say something simple. DAMN it’s cold out and that blowing snow sucks.
So, while the cat plots to kill me and the wind blows curtains of cold sharp ice particles, I will sit here imagine myself in a place where cats love us and snow is soft and warm.
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