Index of Nearly Departed!

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Index of Nearly Departed story

A toast to all of mankind

Y'all have waited so long and so patiently for another installment of this story that I wanted to give you a good one, so here it is, the next and probably best, installment of Nearly Departed!!

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“Get your ass in here!”  Lucifer had the ability to project his voice throughout the building.  It wasn’t anything supernatural, it was simply by the intensity of his anger and the weight of his desperation.  He had received a summons from Satan, something no being, living or dead, ever wanted to receive, and he knew that he would have to explain why he had yet to deliver the little ghoul to his father.  “Poorbitch!  Where the fuck are you?”

More E. Poorbitch had become a slave to the raging evil around her.  She hadn’t realized the consequences of her choice until it was too late to turn back.  Now she was at the beck and call of the being she hated worse than she hated her new body.  Opening the door to Lucifer’s office, More wondered if this torment would ever end.  “I’m here.”

“Sit your ass down!  I need some answers and you are going to give them to me!”  Lucifer stared at the once beautiful creature before him.  She had been one of his most useful minions, but lately she was a liability he couldn’t afford.  “Where is Titus?  He was supposed to be here hours ago!”

“It’s not my job to keep track of your dog, Lucifer.  You wanted me to do my part and I did, you’re the one that fucked it all up.”  More E. knew she was being disrespectful, but oblivion was better than the endless torment she lived with.  If she had any luck at all, Lucifer would zap her into the nothingness that she so desired.  “We wouldn’t be in this situation if you’d keep your pants zipped!”

Lucifer stared at the pale, fat blob sitting across from him.  She had never spoken to him in such a manner and he didn’t know if he should be stunned, enraged or amused.  No one had ever so openly defied him, but then again, he’d never turned anyone into a demon incubator before either.

More E. stared at the well-dressed man.  Looking at him it was difficult to imagine he was anything less than a rich businessman, but of course, More E. knew better.  She knew just how dangerous he really was.

“Sorry”, she mumbled.  “I’m having a bad day, I’m not at all well and all the stress about that little bitch is more than I can handle.”

Lucifer stared at her.  He realized she was unaware of the trick his father had played on her, although she probably blamed him for her situation, and she was physically as well as emotionally tormented.  He knew he should cut her some slack, but his own wellbeing was on the line right now, his father was literally going to kill him if he couldn’t get Lisa back in their possession.

“Get out of here.  Go, do whatever it is you do and don’t let me see you again until you at least look like a human again!”  Lucifer raged.  He had made a snap decision to save this old hags existence, and she had damn well better take advantage of it.

More E. didn’t hesitate one second longer than was needed to leave the office.  She didn’t know what had just happened, but she knew she shouldn’t ask questions.  Scuttling out the door, she literally ran into Titus.  The old warrior looked haggard and worn, but he still growled at her and pushed her away with all the disgust he could manage.

“Get off of me you filthy cunnus!”  Titus’ anger exploded.  The fact that this filthy creature touched him made him feel dirtier than the thousands of years spent in hell.  She was the epitome of filth.  He pushed beyond her and, with a look of disgust and fear on his face, entered Lucifer’s office.

More E. stood in the hallway, she was sure she had been insulted, but she had no idea what the ancient warrior had just called it. It sounded curiously like ‘cunt’ but delivered with more grace and a touch of fear.  Perhaps it wasn’t such a horrible thing to have the Dog of Hell show a mediocre of fear when in her presence.  With that thought in mind, More E. smiled and ambled down the hallway toward her very own, dark lair.

Entering the office of Lucifer, son of Satan and Prince of Hell, should have been an intimidating occurrence.  Titus was so full of disgust and hate that he didn’t immediately notice the Prince of Hell staring at him in open mouthed wonder.  Lucifer had heard the exchange between More E. and Titus, he had heard what the ancient warrior had said, complete with the heinous curse he used, a word that he had never before heard uttered from Titus.

Lucifer motioned for Titus to sit.  The ancient warrior, as was his habit, continued standing in an attempt to maintain a modicum of control.  Lucifer realized it was the only way the man before him kept his tedious grip on sanity.  If he could be called sane.

Titus watched Lucifer play with the glass of amber liquid sitting on his desk.  First he would twist the glass to the left, then to the right, causing the liquid to reflect pinpoints of light as it twirled within the tumbler.  Titus was amazed when Lucifer put the crystal tumbler to his lips and drank deeply from the liquid.  In all of his years serving the royalty of Hell, he had never seen one of them drink water, let alone alcohol. 

“You summoned me?”  Titus struggled to keep his voice from betraying his fear.   Lucifer was volatile at the best of times, Titus didn’t relish finding out just how unpredictable he could become.

“Will you please sit down?  I get tired of looking up at you.”  Lucifer’s voice was quiet.  “I realize you feel the need to keep some control, I get it.  But you need to loosen up a little bit.”

‘Loosen up’?  Titus couldn’t believe his ears.  Lucifer, the being that had tormented his existence, that had made him pay for each and every second he spent in memories, had told him to loosen up.   A cold, clammy feeling engulfed him as a tremor of fear slid down his back. 

Without answering, Titus sank into the chair. 

Lucifer shook his head as a look of distaste darkened his servant’s expression.   There was no love lost between the two of them, and Titus had never been afraid to let that fact be known.  But today Lucifer needed to talk to someone, so he ignored the expression on Titus’ face.

Tipping his glass toward the ancient warrior, Lucifer asked, “Would you like a drink?  I have some amazing bourbon that one of my clients left behind.”

Without waiting for an answer, Lucifer reached for another crystal tumbler and filled with the sparkling amber liquid.  Pushing it across the desk, he looked at Titus and raised one questioning eyebrow.

Titus stared at the tumbler of bourbon.  It had been centuries since he had tasted any alcoholic beverage.  Lucifer had made it painfully clear to him that if he ever indulged his hangover would be of the most painful kind.  His mouth watered, he had always had a weakness for the spirits and this golden concoction smelled as though it could erase his pain, at least for a little while.

He hated himself as he lifted his pleading eyes to Lucifer.  He knew his desperation was apparent to the beast across from him, no one could hide their desires from the son of Satan for long.  The way he had mentioned that the bourbon was ‘left behind’ by a ‘client’ was enough to reinforce that point.

Lucifer shook his head, obedience was a necessary evil of his job, and he excelled at his job.  But there were times when that obedience and the fear that drove it was a hindrance.  Right now he needed someone that would simply talk to him, exchange a few pleasantries and get his mind off of the raging mess that was making his life a literal hell.

“I know what you’re thinking, and don’t worry.  This isn’t some twisted test, it is a simple invitation for you to relax for a moment and have a drink with me.”  Once again, Lucifer motioned toward the tumbler.  “Titus, I don’t have anyone who could be considered a friend, I can’t go out and socialize with humans and simply be myself, I always have to be on the job, looking for an angle, for an in.  Right now I need to simply relax, be myself and talk about anything other than the fucking mess that we’re in the middle of.”

Titus stared at him, dazed by the fact that he could sense no compulsion from the creature before him.  Whenever Lucifer compelled him to do his ‘job’ he could feel the dark fingers of evil clenching his spine, it was a feeling that he had come to expect.  Only now that feeling was missing, he wasn’t being compelled to sit here or to take a drink, he wasn’t being compelled to obey for the first time in centuries.

Reaching out a trembling hand, Titus gripped the crystal tumbler and slowly lifted it to his lips.  As the liquid fire burned his way to his gut, Titus felt a calm that had eluded him for well over a century.  Here was the sense of peace he longed for.  Although he realized it was only a temporary feeling, he reveled in it.  Feeling his muscles slowly release the tension that had built up over the many lifetimes of his existence, he allowed his body to sink into the soft leather chair.  Even if this was a cruel trick of Lucifer’s, the fact that he no longer felt as though his body was made of steel was amazing.  He would deal with whatever punishment would be meted out for this brief lapse, for he knew that no matter what he would have to pay for this moment.

“Feels good, doesn’t it?”  Lucifer asked, his expression open and earnest.  “I never understood why humans liked to have a drink at the end of their day, or why some of them drown themselves in this stuff, but now I understand.  If it always feels this good, I do believe I will make this a habit.”

Titus was speechless.   There had to be a price for this, there was always a price.  He had not experienced any pleasure in his service to Hell, even his brief lapses from duty gave him no pleasure.  Now, sitting here in the office of Satan’s own son, he felt his first glimmer of pleasure.

It was frightening.

“Why?”  He asked, fearing that he would anger the only creature that had known him as a human, that knew each and every weakness he had ever possessed.  “Why are you doing this?”

Lucifer threw back his head and laughed.  Gales of laughter shook his body and echoed throughout the room.  There was such joy and delight in that laughter that Titus found himself smiling. 

“What?”  Titus asked, his glass now empty and the amber liquid warming his belly.  He found his tongue loosened and his doubts farther away.  “What is going on, boss?  Is there something I need to know?”

At the word ‘boss’ Lucifer laughed that much harder.  Soon tears were streaking his cheeks as he wrapped his arms around his mid-section as though to hold in the gales upon gales of laughter that was escaping his body.  Titus sat, confused and weary once more.  He had never seen this creature act in such a way, never heard laughter so pure and heart-felt escape from its lips.  It seemed as though Lucifer was actually happy, an emotion that didn’t survive long in Hell.

“Sir?”  Titus was becoming concerned for Lucifer.  His father wouldn’t be pleased when the sound of his son’s laughter reached his ears.  As a matter of a fact, he would be pissed off and a pissed off Satan was not something anything in creation wanted to deal with.  Even the Creator has the tendency of becoming unavailable when Satan was pissed, not out of fear but simply because he didn’t want to hear it.

Finally Lucifer managed to get himself under control, at least to the point that he could speak.  Giggles still escaped as he poured them each another glass of bourbon.  Grabbing his glass, he leaned back in his chair and shook his head.  Sipping the amber liquid, he smiled and began explaining the situation to Titus.  The ancient warrior found no humor in what he heard.

“Death has managed to hide that little bitch from us, but you know that”, Lucifer began.  “He has had her long enough that for all points and purposes she is no longer useful to us.  As a matter of a fact, she is probably the biggest threat to us since the Romans organized that hideous church of theirs.”

Taking another sip of bourbon, Lucifer closed his eyes and smiled once more.

“The humans have pondered Heaven and Hell since they first realized the concept.  Then science raised its ugly head and their questions became even more fretful.”  Lucifer took a sip from his crystal tumbler, sighed and closed his eyes in pleasure.  “Science is a concept of my father’s.  I didn’t know if you knew that or not, but Satan came up with this great plan to overcome Heaven with sheer numbers.  He’s been doing pretty well actually.  When old Charles Darwin introduced his idea of evolution he was looked at as a heretic, but given enough time and evidence the idea became a firmly held belief.  Of course, dear old daddy knew it would, so he tampered with some of his ‘pets’ and had the spark of creation sucked from their bodies and the dried out husks planted here and there around this little blue ball we call Earth.  He’s really a genius, you know, a psychopath but a genius none the less.”

“What do you mean by his ‘pets’?”  Titus couldn’t keep the question from his bourbon loosened lips.

Lucifer laughed again.  Not many beings knew of his father’s little experiment using mankind as his subject.  He’d be pissed that Lucifer told Titus, but who gave a fuck, it was all at an end now.

“His ‘pets’ are the demons that didn’t quite measure up to his exacting standards.  He started keeping them around a few hundred thousand years ago, controlling their breeding and the way they were treated.  Then he started killing them off and leaving them here and there across the universe.  They have been called everything from the origins of mankind to space aliens.”  Lucifer laughed again, “Humans have such creative imaginations.”

“You mean all the evidence that mankind has found of great dragons and ancient races that lived in caves is bullshit?”  Titus realized he should speak that way to his boss, but he couldn’t help it.  Even during his time on Earth as a human there had been talk of bones from great monsters found in the desert.  At that time it was considered proof that the Gods ruled the Heavens and Earth with the assistance of great creatures that would trample mankind.  To find out that it was all a joke played by the greatest foe to man was crushing to him.  “None of it really took place?  No dinosaurs, no cavemen, nothing?”

Lucifer stared at Titus.  He didn’t realize the man still held his human beliefs even after so many centuries in service to Hell.  He figured Titus had come to the knowledge that none of his human beliefs were real and that the universe was controlled like a chess game between two beings that were simply bored.

“No, Titus, NONE of it is real.  My Father planted those bones, and the drawings and artifacts that mankind is so intrigued with.  Man was CREATED, just like it says in the Bible, they didn’t crawl up out of the slime to become what they are today.  Although slime is a good description for a large majority of them.  Father knew that if he could come up with a way to turn man from their beliefs he could win this stupid rivalry with the Creator.  And he has turned hundreds upon hundreds of thousands of men and women from the face of Light to the darkness that is science.  They either don’t believe in Creationism, or else they have enough doubt that he can find ways to win their everlasting souls.  And that is what he needs, their souls to twist and torture into whatever sinister thing he desires.  The more souls he has the better his chances of over running this world.  Then he can move on to other worlds until he simply outnumbers the good with his twisted souls.”  Lucifer shook his head.  He was ashamed of his part in this nefarious plot, but he was another creation of his father’s and could only fight against him in simple ways.  Perhaps letting Lisa live would be the end of his own existence, but it would also be the end of his father’s dark plotting.  The fact that she was alive once more, that, for whatever reason, the Creator has laid his hand on her soul and brought it back from the brink of Hell and turned her back to the light, would disrupt the centuries old plans of Satan.  There was no science in creation that could explain what this girl would become and if the Creator had his way there never would be.

“A toast!”  Lucifer sudden said, raising his glass toward Titus. “A toast to the end of this time and the beginning of a new one.  That little ghoul is going to chauffer us into the unknown and we are going to sit here and let her.” 

Titus simply stared at Lucifer as if he were insane, or at least more insane than he’d ever been.  Picking up his glass, he shook his head and joined Hell’s second in command in a toast to end all toasts.