Technology and other things meant to drive us insane........

I couldn’t find my phone today.  No, NOT my cell phone, my cordless house phone. To make it worse, it wasn’t ringing.  Now, under normal circumstances my phone NOT ringing is a blessing, not something that I would bitch about.

But, I have my caller ID so that it pops up on my television screen.  That way IF a number pops up (complete with name of course) and it’s someone I would rather NOT talk to, I don’t even bother trying to find the phone (which BTW is USUALLY on the charger where it belongs, not hiding somewhere in the house).  Anyway the damn ID was popping like some demented serial killer in an old high school during prom!  To make matters really worse, several of the calls were from people that I want to talk to.

So, I found the phone and TRIED to return one of the calls only to find that my phone wasn’t working!!  No dial tone!!  WTF??

Anyway, I proceeded to attach my headphone/microphone to my computer and return a call using Google talk.  After leaving a message telling them that it was me calling and not some strange person in California, I tried calling them back.  They STILL didn’t answer.  To make a long story short, it seems that some of us in the county are having phone problems.

I’m sure that some of you reading this are aware of what kind of month it has been here in Wild, Wonderful West Virginia.  For those of you that aren’t, here is a brief recap:

We experienced a storm from hell that wiped out power in almost the entire state.  Over 680,000 customers were without power, many of us for weeks.  I didn’t have power for 2 weeks, and when it came on it only stayed on for about a day and a half.  Since then it’s been a crap shoot as to whether or not there is power when I wake up.  Phone service has been spotty at best, insanely, horribly nonexistent at worse.  Internet comes and goes.  It’s a big fat pain in the ass.

During the electrical outage the average temp was around 100 degrees for the first week, and the second week was rife with thunderstorms and temps in the 90’s.  Fun, fun……

Anyway, NOW we’re under a severe thunderstorm warning with a flash flood warning.  The storm that tore through Illinois and left thousands without power/phone in Chicago is heading our way with a vengeance.  

All I can say is HERE WE GO AGAIN!!!

Now in case you missed it, I wrote a blog about things to do in West Virginia in the Summer without electric…..the thing you will do the most is SWEAT!!  With the humidity staying between 85 and 100% you have no choice but to SWEAT.  I’ll let you in on a secret, SWEATING MAKES ME ANGRY, especially when the most work I’m doing is breathing!!  I HATE to sweat when I’m not doing anything other than breathing!!  

*back on topic girl, back on topic*

So, where was I, oh yeah….the phone!!

So once I found the phone and took care of making my calls, I decided to listen to some music while I did some housework.  Usually this is a smooth operation involving turning on the stereo, finding my playlist on my laptop, plug in my wireless transmitter and hit play.  Sounds relatively easy, right?  Oh NO, NOT TODAY!

Today the laptop decided to have a major identity crisis and REFUSE to acknowledge the fact that some of my favorite music EVER resides on my playlist!!  Today it decided to tell me that those particular mp3s were NOT THERE!!  So, like one of Pavlov’s dogs, I went through my tricks hoping for a reward.  Checked the music folder for the songs…..yup, right there they are.  Checked that the player was set to play mp3s…….yup, sure is.  Tried to play songs on a different player…..yup they work.  Tired on RealPlayer again……SCREW YOU BITCH, I AIN’T PLAYING THOSE SONGS!!

Well, the easy fix would be to play them in windows media player, right??  NO, windows media player sucks!!  So I decided to play the original cd’s on the stereo……..right up until the moment the stereo decided that it didn’t want to play ANY cd’s today or apparently EVER again.

So here I sit, listening to the fan run and the neighbor mow his grass.  No music is gracing my ears because I’m to the point of making sure my laptop and stereo get HAMMERED today…..and NOT in the good, I’m drunk way!

It seems to me that while we advance in technology we are putting ourselves at risk for insanity!  Every new product that hits the market promises “ease of use” and usually ends up giving us a headache trying to read the manual or getting it to work.  Just as soon as we get used to one technology another one hits the market.  

Our alarms, telephones, televisions, computers, smart phones, mp3 players, dvd players, blue ray players, refrigerators and even our cars can all talk to us and tell us when the battery is going dead, when it’s time to get up, when our favorite program is on, when the oil is low, when to turn and when to defrost.  Pretty soon all of our gadgets will be able to operate themselves, our cars can already park themselves so it won’t be long before they will be driving without any assistance from us, it’s not that big of a step from planes flying on auto-pilot to flying themselves.

WE may soon be the next technology to become obsolete. The world will be filled with plastic gadgets telling stainless steel machines to produce even more plastic gadgets!!  Cars will come and go at will and refrigerators will keep whatever the hell they want fresh for weeks at a time.  Human beings will only be kept around to invent even more advanced gadgets to take care of the aging gadgets that are no longer useful.  

 WE WILL BE LIVING A STEPHEN KING NOVEL!!!

Before that happens I will go back to rotary phones with no caller id, call forward, three way calling (always sounded like something that would be really useful to a sex line business), speed dial, auto answer, special rings, voicemail or redial on busy feature.  I will dig out my old big picture tube, 13 channel, no remote, rabbit ear antenna using black and white tv.  I’m sure I have an AM radio in storage somewhere.  

I will go on a technology strike!!  

Except for my laptop and DSL of course.  I couldn’t get rid of them.  They help keep me entertained, the inform me of the weather in some country on the other side of the world with a name I can’t express.  They allow me to post stupid ranting on a blog that until recently no one knew existed!! THEY ALLOW ME TO TELL MY DEVIANTS THAT I LOVE THEM.  Yeah, the laptop/DSL will be my only nod to technology.  Without them I would go insane!!

Okay, you can stop shaking your head and mumbling “Go insane??  Sounds like you already are.”  Admit it, I have given a voice to the teeny, tiny little fear of technology that flits around the edges of your mind every time you see some new gadget that you just HAVE to have.  You know I’m not insane, I’m prophetically insightful, intelligently humorous, delightfully demented!!  But NOT insane!!  

I’m going to go see if I can talk my vacuum into working…….maybe someday they’ll invent one that runs when needed without assistance from a human……..it would be useful in helping clean up the little slivers of plastic that seem to magically appear every time I’m angry at my cd player/phone/ereader/tv…etc, etc, etc

Things to say to your friend when.........

So, I have this friend who is constantly whining about her choice in men.  (No E. its’ NOT you)  Anyway, she called today and we, as usual, had the same conversation we’ve been having for the past 4 years.

The conversation went something like this:

HER: I just don’t understand why no man I ever get involved with stays with me!  What’s wrong with me?

ME (being a good friend): There’s nothing wrong with you, it’s the men you pick. (yeah, I lied, but I’m trying to be nice)

HER: It must be me, there’s not that many assholes in the world!

ME (thinking, hmmmmm…..every single person in the world has an asshole): I don’t know honey, I don’t have an answer for you.

HER: *sniff, sniff*  I have to get off of here.  I’ll call you later. (click)

That’s right, no goodbye, no thanks, no nothing but a raging CLICK in my ear. While the ringing was echoing in my head, I began to think of all the things that I should have said and, because I was trying to be a nice person, didn’t say.

THINGS TO SAY TO YOUR FRIENDS WHEN THEY BITCH, WHINE, CRY and ACT LIKE IDIOTS OVER MEN:

Before  you get into a serious relationship, MEET THE FAMILY!!  I know meeting the family is usually after the relationship has gotten serious, but if you meet them beforehand, you will have some idea of whether or not he’s a fucking idiot!  Keep in mind, if you shake the family tree and a bunch of nuts fall out, it’s probably a bad idea to get involved with him.

If he tries to tie your shoes for you every time they come untied, he’s probably been trained to do so.  Now, if you want an obedient man (pet) keep in mind that they require a lot of maintenance (think constant reassurance of your love and his worth) and will get on your nerves very quickly.

If he becomes very possessive and questions what you’re doing, who you’re doing it with, when you’ll be done, sends you mushy love notes all within one week of meeting him…………RUN!

If he thinks he has to shave his back…….RUN IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION!!  Unless of course you’re  trying to get onto MONSTERQUEST, if that’s the case, capture him (before he shaves) and call The History Channel.  (Of course there are those of us that LIKE hairy men….but the fact that he thinks he has to shave his back is a turnoff.)

If he lies every time opens his mouth, you should have sense enough to get away from him.

If he talks, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, even in his sleep or when no one else is in the room, if the dog runs when he speaks….LEAVE NOW…it won’t be long before you place a pillow over his face and end up spending the rest of your life surrounded by women with nicknames like Slasher, Big Bertha, Little Dyke and Morris.

If he trolls the bar 5 nights a week he is either an alcoholic or else he is searching for a new “piece of ass” and you will soon be either a thing of the past or else infected with something you do not want.

If you advance a relationship to the point where you have seen him naked…..notice if his penis looks like a knobby vibrator…..IF it does, RUN, EVEN IF YOU ARE NAKED, TO THE CLOSEST DOOR AND LEAVE…..NOW!!

Remember ladies, Cum is NOT green!! 

If he has a Mommy complex and you’re an independent woman, stay clear!!  You don’t want a grown man that runs to Mommy every time you say a cross word.  Remember, the mothers of Mommies Boys is the source of the problem, it’s not his fault that he never learned to cut his own steak…..you’ll either have to take her place or live with a pouting, spoiled child.  Make the right choice!!

Now, before you men start to bitch and whine and call me a sexist.....here's your list.

THINGS TO SAY TO YOUR FRIENDS WHEN THEY BECOME A WHINING PUSSIES OVER A WOMAN:

She’s dumber than a retired pro wrestler and her voice sound like Minnie Mouse on helium. Does she have a fur lined puss?  Can she suck the chrome off of a bumper hitch?  NO….then What the fuck is wrong with you?

It doesn’t matter how incredible the sex is, if she’s crazier than a shit house rat sooner or later you will be in fear for your life.  Crazy sex is NOT good sex.

If she’s 35 years old and never held a job, yet still owns a house, gets a new car every year, comes up with expensive guitars and jewelry, goes on lavish vacations and you don’t pay for any of them…..SHE IS A WHORE!!  Remember men, WHORES GET PAID!!!!

If the odor of fish lingers around her all morning and you work nights, she must be working nights as well.  (see previous)

Just because it’s called a “flower” doesn’t mean it should have multiple “petals”.  If you’ve never seen one that like looks anything like this, you probably shouldn’t be seeing this one!

Yes, it is a self cleaning orifice, but there is only so much gunk that Mother Nature can clean up after.

Remember, Black boxes are not only in airplanes!!  If one end doesn’t match the other, you will be investing more cash than you want into CLAIROL with no return in sight!

If you come home and your woman is in bed with another woman, it DOES NOT mean she wants a threesome….Tuna doesn’t only come in a can!

If you’ve never seen her without her makeup, DO NOT MARRY HER OR EVEN GET INTO A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP WITH HER.  It would be very tragic if you rolled over one morning and realized you were in bed with your grandmother’s best friend.

No matter how hot she looks at closing time, chances are there’s a reason she’s still there.  Remember gentlemen, Alcohol dims, distorts, and totally fucks up not only your vision, but perhaps the rest of your life.  No one wants that one special call from the Health Department!

No matter which side of the sexual divide you are on, NO ONE want to listen to you whine or cry about the “One that got away”.  Same goes for the drunken babblings about your EX….Remember the X marks the spot, but the EX means Been there, Done that!

The next time my friend calls with a new story of woe, I believe I’ll send her a link to this post…..maybe I won’t wait until she calls.