Small towns and cawing crows

Usually I write funny/sarcastic stuff on this blog, but today I'm going to be relatively serious.

You see, I have had some experiences while living in Calhoun County that need to be shared, experiences that may help someone else NOT become a homicidal maniac!

Living in a small town is a unique experience.  It's something that is difficult to explain to folks who have always lived in cities or even those who have always lived in the country, far away from any town.

Small towns, like the one close to us, are the apex of rumors, lies, deceit and self-righteousness.  Anytime you have 400 people living in a place that only has two dollar stores, two drug stores, two restaurants and one grocery store and NOTHING to do, well, let's just say people develop the tendency to "polish" any little tidbit they hear/see.

For instance, you could be seen standing on Main St. in front of the Dollar General store talking to a skinny, sickly looking person and the entire county will hear that you were talking to one of the local meth-heads about a delivery!!  Never mind that the person you were actually talking to is going through cancer treatments and has NEVER indulged in ANY type of drug usage.  Never mind that you are the heart and soul of sobriety  The town gossip, of which there are many, witnessed you talking to she/he doesn't know and automatically judged and then assumed you were making a drug deal.  Of course, the previously  mentioned gossip doesn't know you either, she/he just knows your name, but that is ENOUGH!

And, God help you if you are a single woman seen talking to a MARRIED MAN!!  You and he both will have a reputation that will follow you the rest of your life!!  Yup, if the town gossip sees you speaking to that man, she/he will have it all over town that you two are fucking like bunnies and his poor, ignorant wife has no idea!!  It's so bad that it could be the local preacher and it would make no difference!

Of course, if you DARE confront the UPSTANDING, CHURCH GOING, RIGHTEOUS gossip, things will only go down hill.  You will then be labeled as being a trouble maker,someone that "jumps" poor defenseless old women!!  Of course, that "poor defenseless old woman" attends church every Sunday morning and Wednesday night, serves on the Town Council, is a Daughter of the Revolution and would NEVER, EVER, EVER cause trouble for ANYONE!!

Right, and snowmen don't melt in 70 degree weather!

The one particular "gossip" that I'm speaking of seems like truthful and righteous that NOTHING could tarnish her reputation!!

Yup, nothing!  LOL

Then there is the "righteous" woman that causes more trouble than head lice in a pre-school!  She, who is also an upstanding church goer, forgets that there are those of us that KNOW her oldest child, who was born while her husband served our great Nation in WWII, belonged NOT to his "Father" but to his UNCLE!!  Yup, she screwed her brother in law while her beloved husband was  risking his life for our freedom!!  BUT, that is a well guarded secret and the general public isn't aware that this upstanding, TRUTHFUL, HONEST woman is nothing more or less than a lying bitch who cared for no-one but herself!! So when she made sure the stray cats were shot or poisoned because they were shitting in her flower bed, no one thought too much about it, well, other than those of us with a BRAIN and a HEART!  When she began complaining that the birds were shitting on her car, I DID reminded her that the cats that she hated so badly that she had them destroyed, were what kept the bird population in check.   Too bad the birds weren't the size of the sedan she loves so well, I would LOVE to see Karma shit on her head!!

The gossips in town will put you in mind of a murder of crows screaming at the neighborhood cat that dared to enter their territory!  Cawing crows and lies, what a mixture!!

Anyway, you get the idea about the gossips.  So let's move on to what is called the "Good Ole Boy Network".  This, in case you don't know, is a group of men, usually related, who hold the "powerful" jobs in the county.  They control who does and who doesn't get their roads fixed, their sewer repaired, the raise they've worked so hard for.  This bunch of hypocrites control most everything of any importance that happen in the county.  Of course, the ravages of time are wearing away at them and soon they will all be pushing up daisies while feeding the worms.  Yay for that!!  The only problem is that MOST of them reproduced offspring that are just as selfish, closed minded, and ignorant as their fathers.  And THOSE idiots are next in line for the "control" of things!!  Yup, we are forever doomed to have people in power that are dumber than dog turds.

Then of course, we have the small minds that are the everyday people.  Yup, progress has no chance in this wonderful community.  We have "high speed" internet that is about the same speed as a snail riding on a turtle's back.  Our county records are still in large, leather bound books and if you need to renew your tags or driver's licence you have to go to the next county or else to the "city" of Parkersburg.  Our "hospital" is little more than an old veterinary clinic with larger beds and the veterinary clinic is about the size of a ladies room.  We have NO dog warden, no humane society, no pet store.  We don't even have a feed store!!  Used cars are sold in the next county and if you want an actual drink of alcohol you have a choice between the VFW, where you can get beer or malt, or the bar on the other side of the county, where they fight and fuss all the time!!

If you decide to dye your hair a brilliant color of red/blue/yellow/green/whatever people will actually point and laugh, and if you have piercings you are automatically labeled a "weirdo" and avoided at all cost.  And if you happen to be gay, well, you will find a whole new type of miserable that you would never have imagined.  No, they won't murder/torture you in the physical way, but the will do their best to destroy your spirit and your individuality.

Small town living is shown to be a slower pace and the people as being polite and sweet.  Yeah right, polite and sweet as a rabid dog with mange!!  The slower part is true, it's so slow that you wonder if the days will ever pass, there is NOTHING to do unless it's football season, and then the only thing to do is go to a High School football game.  We do, from time to time, have Bluegrass music in town, it's about 4 times a month and it's mostly locals that have taught themselves to play.  Some of them are actually pretty good!!  But you can only listen to Bluegrass for so long, especially when it's the same people playing the same songs over and over and over......

If you want to see a movie you have to go 30 miles one way to get to the closest movie theater and it's small, dank and dirty!  To go to an actual cinema complex you have to travel at least an hour and a half to get to one!  So basically, unless you're into driving, movies are out of the question.

Clubbing?  Yeah right, only if you want to spend the night in Morgantown or Clarksburg, and both of them are about 2 hours away.  And the clubs they have are okay, but not like what you'll find in KC or Pittsburgh.   So basically, you can dance around your house, but you can't dance anywhere else!  LOL

Concerts??  The closest thing is the Bluegrass concerts at Glenville College.  They have some good groups in from time to time.  And of course, you can go to Charleston for big concerts, like big name artists.  As a matter of a fact James Taylor is going to be there in a few days!!

Anyway, I guess the whole point of this rant is this, if you don't mind gossip, slander, close mindedness, bigotry and boredom, this is the place to be!!  Oh, I forgot something, employment is  a BIG problem too, if you don't work for the gas and oil companies, or drive truck, you won't make much of a living.  Our teachers, of course, are underpaid, as are teachers all over this country!  There are a few employers that pay minimum wage, and nothing that pays the "big bucks".  So, add unemployment to the list of wonderful things this place has to offer!!

And for it all, it's a beautiful place with a lot of good hearted, kind, gentle, generous people.  Too bad that per capita the assholes have them out numbered!  But the scenery is amazing!!

Deer don't fly!

Well, once again I have proven how horrible of a blogger I am.  It's been a months and months since I've actually even looked at this blog, let alone posted to it!

Now that we have it established that I'm a horrible blogger, let's get on to the real post!  LOL

Today is the first day of deer gun season here in Ole West Virginia.  It's a beautiful day, one of the warmer we've had this late in the year.  The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and......the wind is blowing like a two bit hooker on a Friday night!

Usually blowing wind (lol, I know what  you're thinking) is not a problem, but this is not just blowing, it's raging like a menopausal woman in the midst of an hour long hot (think hell) flash.

It's so bad that when I let the little fuzzy dog out to pee he looked like a drunk staggering home from a bender.  He managed to get to the closest tree to  hike his little leg only to be caught by a gust of wind and toppled over.  There he lay on the ground looking like some object d'art created by an artist with a twisted sense of humor.  Laying on his side, piss shooting into the air, he looked like some twisted fountain labeled "This is what NOT to do".

The wind is whipping around the house like a banshee looking for a dying soul.  Screeching at a pitch that makes your blood curdle.

Yet there are hundreds of hunters in the woods!  Yup, men, women and children tramping through the timber in search of the elusive deer.

It wouldn't be so bad, but there is a thing called "Deadfall". Usually deadfall is on the ground.  It's basically what it sounds like, trees and limbs die and then they fall.  But sometimes the falling process is interrupted by the living.  Yup, living limbs catch dead ones and prevent them from falling to the ground.

So, when we have raging winds, wild gust, and deadfall hanging in the trees on the first day of deer season we have a recipe for disaster.

I'm sure there will be a news report about someone who either fell from a tree stand, or was blown from a tree stand, or who was injured, if not killed, from limbs falling from the sky!  I don't wish it upon anyone, but the simple truth is that it will happen, if it hasn't already.

I don't understand why there is such a torrent of hunters that invade the woods today.  I mean, the deer don't migrate, they don't take to wing and fly South for the winter.  They pretty much stay within a mile or so of where they were born, grazing on grass, flowers, gardens, whatever and leaving behind massive amounts of deer shit for the dogs to find and roll in or, yuck, eat.  The deer will be there tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after, and....well, you get the idea!

And before you start a flurry of comments about the "Trophy Buck", yeah, I get it.  If you don't get there first then someone else will shoot that huge twelve point buck!  You CANNOT allow that to happen.  THAT DEER IS YOURS!!  YOU'VE FED IT ALL YEAR!!  YOU'VE made sure it got the right minerals to produce those MASSIVE HORNS!!

YOU have BUCK FEVER!!  Yup, it's an illness!  That's why it's called FEVER!!

I don't understand it, but even women get this mysterious illness that causes them to risk life and limb in a windstorm to sneak around the woods before daylight and sit on the ground or hang from a tree in order to shoot that BIG BUCK!

I hate to break it to y'all, but you can't eat those horns!!  And if you hang them on the wall they just get dusty and, if you are unlucky enough to NOT own a cat or two, the mice find them delicious!!!

I have shot a buck, actually I have shot several, but I have never, ever, ever been afflicted with the "Fever".

Unfortunately I have been around those that have.

The first indication of the "Fever" is that they begin searching for the "perfect" place to watch for that "amazing" buck their friend, neighbor, relative saw at such and such place.

At this point one of two things can happen, if they don't catch even a glimpse of the buck in question they will fall into a mild depression immediately followed by chasing a different rumor of a different  "amazing" buck.

If they DO see the first buck in question, they will develop the following symptoms:

1. Their eyes will dilate and their nose will flare if anyone else mentions said buck.

2. They will go daily to check for "sign" that said buck in still in area.  (see previous about deer migration)

3. They will invest in a myriad of "scent blockers" and "lures" some of which smell like piss, deer piss to be exact.  The others range in smell from nothing to OMG who died!

4. They will begin to dream of said buck.  Also each and every conversation will include a reference to said buck.

These symptoms will worsen as the FIRST DAY OF DEER SEASON draws near.

Some sufferers will go so far as to NOT shower for days before said first day!!

The night before the coveted day, you should be alert for the following:

1. Restlessness, including constantly checking their guns, ammo, clothing and, of course, the clock.

2. Going to bed early.  This is to ensure that they are up and about "before the deer move".  Which confuses me beyond belief!!  Deer move ALL NIGHT!

3. Trying, in vain, to quietly dress and drag their assorted paraphernalia out to their truck, SUV, 4-wheeler, buggy before the birds even awaken.  At this point they usually expect you to prepare them a "quiet" lunch that doesn't "smell", which is an insult to every person who is NOT experiencing the "Fever".

4. Rushing, quietly of course, into the woods to their deer stand, tree stand, blind, vantage point in order to be there when the deer "come out".  Again, this confuses me, do the deer go INSIDE the night before season??  Where, exactly, are they coming out of?  OR, and this one will piss many, many people off, are the COMING OUT as in OUT of the CLOSET?  That would explain the lack of "amazing" bucks.

5. After wasting a day, and usually not even firing a shot, the weary Fever sufferer will return home only to repeat the process the next day.

So while those of us that don't suffer from this affliction enjoy the warmth and comfort of our homes, perhaps venturing out in order to shoot a doe so we can snicker as the "Fever" sufferer enjoys his dinner after a fruitless day, the weary "Fever" victim will usually sink into a even deeper depression as he waits for the perfect buck to wander his way.

Meanwhile, deep in the woods and hollows of  West Virginia, thousands of deer are laughing their asses off!