The sun is shining today!!! Yeah, I’m a little bit excited, but then again, it’s been raining like monsoon season and we are overrun with mud!! But then again, we are usually overrun with mud.
Anyway, the dogs around here are laying around like bumps on logs, snorting and snoring, coughing and growling. They are basically the sound effects for a low budget horror movie! One of the horror movies where the dumb blond opens the door to see what the horrible sounds on the other side is. Yup, it’s that bad!!
While the dogs wile away their time dreaming of pork bones and chicken strips, the cats are deep in sleep after having done their best to destroy the house. Running and sliding they have had the time of their lives. It doesn't bother us much until they begin the Feline Olympics.
What, you ask, are the Feline Olympics? Well, if any of you own more than one cat you probably have a pretty good idea. It’s where the cats decide, usually at two or three in the morning, that they just HAVE to see how fast they can make the circuit around the house. It doesn't matter if there are inanimate or animate objects in the way, they simply MUST run around the house like someone has set their tails on fire.
The main event of Feline Olympics usually involves two or more evil minded cats that honestly believe they can climb the walls!! Yup, that is the Imaginary Red Dot event! What happens in one of the fur covered demons starts staring on a particular point on the wall, usually this point is at least four feet above their head. The other hideous creatures will stop whatever mischief they are involved in the very second they realize their brethren has seen something interesting.
Once the offending feline has the attention of his cohorts, he will leap into the air, executing a perfect back flip and proceed to act as though he has caught the great invisible dot!! As soon as his little pointy nails hit the floor, he will begin the ritual “try to catch the dot” dance that is genetically handed down from mother to kit. Back and forth his paws will go as he zigs left and zags right, tapping and swatting the floor with every movement.
His furry followers will mimic his actions, jerking and swatting, bouncing and twisting, as though there were a thousand red dots dancing across the surface of the floor. Once he has them fully engaged, he will stop his silliness and launch himself to the highest surface he can reach. There he will sit, wide eyed and innocent, as his fellows swat and jerk, twitch and writhe as though they were being electrocuted.
When it finally dawns on them that the instigator of the entire mess is no longer participating their action will recede to an occasional swat at something no human can see. Then the Olympic part of the event actually begins.
In a flash the high mounted feline will launch himself from his perch and scramble and slide across the floor, finally finding his footing to run into the other room, over top of this fellow kittens, the couch, you….whatever stands in his way. He will circle like a Nascar driver, up on the side of the wall in a tight curve only to shoot off in the opposite direction at a speed unreachable by man made machinery.
Of course this sets off a chemical response in the feet of any other feline within sight. They will jump and leap, scramble and slide, before finally reaching a level footing to speed off after the “lead car” in our official Nascat race! Around the doorway they go,sliding and crashing into the opposite wall, their feet digging for purchase on the linoleum floor. Off into the straight, yellow cat with short tail in the lead when from behind comes big, fat grey cat who stomps over top of short tail leaving him a gasping heap in the middle of the hall.
Around the bend they come, fat grey cat misjudges the curve and slams into the coffee table leg then struggles to his feet. While he is getting his balance, the long tail yellow cat comes out of no where, leaps onto the couch, over the dog, across the back and is on his way around the next curve by the time the old dog raises her head to snap at the now absent feline.
Fat grey cat, being the cheat that he is, rushes down the hallway, slams into long tail yellow cat and the fur begins to fly. The ensuing racket awakens the canine hoard who leap to their feet and rush in from all directions. Barks, growls, screams and yowls ensue until, finally, the long tail yellow cat escapes his tormentor only to pounce on his short tailed brother who had been watching the attempted murder with an insane gleam in his yellow eyes.
More screams, more yowls, more barks until finally the human has had enough!!! Grabbing a rolled up newspaper and a spray bottle of water the human wages war on the feline hoard. A few canines are injured (yeah right, newspaper and water) in the ensuing battle, but they survive to limp back to their respective sleeping spots as the feline dart and scramble for cover.
At last, silence, aww sweet silence. Which last for approximately twenty seconds before round two of the Feline Olympics, shred the newspaper, begins!!
So much for sleep!!
Stumbling to the kitchen I make a cup of coffee and stand there, bleary eyed and tired, as the offending felines turn their unblinking eyes toward me. Having achieved their goal of getting me out of bed, they amble off, each one in search of a perch for their day long cat nap.
The canines, realizing that the coast is clear and no claws are around, rush into the kitchen, yipping and prancing in the morning, “Oh my God you’re awake, I gotta pee, Can I go out, Oh My God You’re awake” ritual. I slowly walk to the door and throw it open, hoping this morning will be a quick, gotta pee now and not sniff everything in sight morning……I was sadly mistaken. Twenty minutes later the canines are back in the house, warm and snug in their beds, sound asleep and dreaming of chicken strips and pork bones.
A tapping at the back door informs me that my animal encounter has only begun. Two bushy tailed intruders are demanding their corn, tapping at the door and staring in like stalkers trying to catch a glimpse. It’s feeding time, birds, squirrels and outdoor cats are demanding my attention, as long as my attention includes having something for them to eat!
My coffee grows cold as I attend to the needs of the various and sunder creatures who think they own me!
And thus starts my Monday!!
Monday, December 29, 2014
Saturday, December 27, 2014
Things to buy, things to get rid of
For those of you that don’t know, I am sort of a technology geek. Yup, I would love to have all the newest gadgets and toys, but, being a poverty stricken middle aged woman who is struggling to survive, I cannot do that. So, I make my choices wisely as to what I am going to purchase.
Lately I have been lusting after a particular link2cell cordless phone system. It’s not horribly expensive, but it is expensive enough that I have been debating the purchase for months. I’ve done the budgeting thing, I’ve done the saving, I’ve done the research…..the one thing I have NOT done is decide WHY this particular item has such a hold on my greedy, I GOT TO HAVE THIS side.
Maybe it’s so I can say that I HAVE one. Or maybe it’s because I want to be able to use my cell phone without going outside and leaning on the tree by the road in order to get proper reception. Yeah, it’s probably the latter one……
You see, I live in RURAL AMERICA. Sounds peaceful and sedate, right? It is. But it’s also a pain in the ass. You see, in order to have proper cell reception you have to make sure that you are standing perfectly still in the proper location on a clear day/night that has NO cloud cover or wind. You also have to pray that there are no low flying birds or large insects between you and the cell tower that you can’t even see from your location. It’s a crap shoot really, but one that I can take care of if only……..
That’s the rub, that elusive “if only”. If only I could cut down each and every tree in the four mile line of sight between here and the tower. If only I could purchase every structure standing between me and the tower, if only I could own the air space and prevent ANYTHING from a sparrow to a gnat from flying between me and the cell tower……if only I didn't live in a place where all technology is treated like a bad science fiction story!!
SO my greedy little tech crazy heart is pinning its hopes on the Link2cell system. You see, if, and it’s a big if, you have half way decent reception in one area of your home, you can link your cell phone to this amazing little cordless phone system. Whenever your cell phone rings it will ring the house phone and you can use the cordless handset like a regular land-line phone. It’s set up on a Bluetooth link between cell phone and the cordless base. The unit comes with three handsets and you can link up to two cell phones!! Yup, sounds good, right!!
Now why, you ask, do you not just have a land line? Well, the answer is simple. Frontier Communications owns our phone system. And Frontier has decided, for whatever half ass reason, that they don’t want to put any more money than necessary in our equipment. In my area the substation is older than I am and was meant to handle 40-50 households……it has over 118 households to date. The substation was suppose to be upgraded, but once again, Frontier in their wisdom has failed to do so. The Utilities Commission has given them until April of 2015, but of course it was suppose to be upgraded by August of 2014 and it wasn't. Frontier says they are “doing the best they can” which translates into We don’t want to screw with it!!
Our phone will go out if the wind blows, literally! It doesn't have to be 50 mile an hour winds either, the breeze from a fly’s wings is enough to put the phone out for a day or six. If it rains you can forget making any calls. There are times when you can’t call out unless someone calls in first. Then you can make exactly ONE outgoing phone call. After that it’s a waiting game. Other times you can make outgoing calls, but if someone tries to call in it goes straight to voice-mail and never rings!! It has been known to cut you off in the middle of a call and then isolate you from phone contact for a week!
And what does Frontier say? Nine times out of ten when you make a repair call they will send one of the six Frontier employees that live and work in this are to your house. They will diddle around for twenty minutes or so and then look you in the eye and say, “There’s nothing wrong with the line, it has to be in the house.” When you point out that it only happens when it rains or is windy and that the interior of the house never suffers through either of those conditions, they will insist that THEY know best and that it IS in the house. They will come in and screw around, basically wasting time and earning money, then hand you a DSL filter and leave.
The repair ticket will be closed and the main office will tell you that it is fixed. Even though all parties involved KNOW that it isn't fixed and that it will be only a matter of time before you replay the same scenario over again.
And the internet, the HIGH SPEED INTERNET?? Yeah, right, high speed if you’re a geriatric turtle! Hell, I had to download an update for one of my graphic programs, the update was all of 517k…..it took almost 5 hours!!!! I could have driven to the manufactures factory and gotten a CD hot off the press in the length of time it took to update the old program!
IF Frontier would upgrade things we might, maybe, possibly have internet speeds that would allow us to say, oh, play a game on Facebook or, dare I say it, watch Netflix without pausing it for over an hour so you can watch twenty uninterrupted minutes. Or make and receive phone calls even when a bird flies past the wire! Yup, it’s that bad.
Thank you Frontier!!
All of these problems and more have driven me to spend the money on a Link2cell system. I’ve taken the plunge, I've ordered it and it will be on its way to me within the next five days! When that box arrives I will tear it open, devour the instructions and then set the thing up and let it charge. Then I will wait, something I should be used to. And when the time is right, when the planets align and the birds roost, I will make that first experimental phone call.
If it works I will rejoice!!!
If it doesn’t, I will return my new toy and buy a chainsaw!
Lately I have been lusting after a particular link2cell cordless phone system. It’s not horribly expensive, but it is expensive enough that I have been debating the purchase for months. I’ve done the budgeting thing, I’ve done the saving, I’ve done the research…..the one thing I have NOT done is decide WHY this particular item has such a hold on my greedy, I GOT TO HAVE THIS side.
Maybe it’s so I can say that I HAVE one. Or maybe it’s because I want to be able to use my cell phone without going outside and leaning on the tree by the road in order to get proper reception. Yeah, it’s probably the latter one……
You see, I live in RURAL AMERICA. Sounds peaceful and sedate, right? It is. But it’s also a pain in the ass. You see, in order to have proper cell reception you have to make sure that you are standing perfectly still in the proper location on a clear day/night that has NO cloud cover or wind. You also have to pray that there are no low flying birds or large insects between you and the cell tower that you can’t even see from your location. It’s a crap shoot really, but one that I can take care of if only……..
That’s the rub, that elusive “if only”. If only I could cut down each and every tree in the four mile line of sight between here and the tower. If only I could purchase every structure standing between me and the tower, if only I could own the air space and prevent ANYTHING from a sparrow to a gnat from flying between me and the cell tower……if only I didn't live in a place where all technology is treated like a bad science fiction story!!
SO my greedy little tech crazy heart is pinning its hopes on the Link2cell system. You see, if, and it’s a big if, you have half way decent reception in one area of your home, you can link your cell phone to this amazing little cordless phone system. Whenever your cell phone rings it will ring the house phone and you can use the cordless handset like a regular land-line phone. It’s set up on a Bluetooth link between cell phone and the cordless base. The unit comes with three handsets and you can link up to two cell phones!! Yup, sounds good, right!!
Now why, you ask, do you not just have a land line? Well, the answer is simple. Frontier Communications owns our phone system. And Frontier has decided, for whatever half ass reason, that they don’t want to put any more money than necessary in our equipment. In my area the substation is older than I am and was meant to handle 40-50 households……it has over 118 households to date. The substation was suppose to be upgraded, but once again, Frontier in their wisdom has failed to do so. The Utilities Commission has given them until April of 2015, but of course it was suppose to be upgraded by August of 2014 and it wasn't. Frontier says they are “doing the best they can” which translates into We don’t want to screw with it!!
Our phone will go out if the wind blows, literally! It doesn't have to be 50 mile an hour winds either, the breeze from a fly’s wings is enough to put the phone out for a day or six. If it rains you can forget making any calls. There are times when you can’t call out unless someone calls in first. Then you can make exactly ONE outgoing phone call. After that it’s a waiting game. Other times you can make outgoing calls, but if someone tries to call in it goes straight to voice-mail and never rings!! It has been known to cut you off in the middle of a call and then isolate you from phone contact for a week!
And what does Frontier say? Nine times out of ten when you make a repair call they will send one of the six Frontier employees that live and work in this are to your house. They will diddle around for twenty minutes or so and then look you in the eye and say, “There’s nothing wrong with the line, it has to be in the house.” When you point out that it only happens when it rains or is windy and that the interior of the house never suffers through either of those conditions, they will insist that THEY know best and that it IS in the house. They will come in and screw around, basically wasting time and earning money, then hand you a DSL filter and leave.
The repair ticket will be closed and the main office will tell you that it is fixed. Even though all parties involved KNOW that it isn't fixed and that it will be only a matter of time before you replay the same scenario over again.
And the internet, the HIGH SPEED INTERNET?? Yeah, right, high speed if you’re a geriatric turtle! Hell, I had to download an update for one of my graphic programs, the update was all of 517k…..it took almost 5 hours!!!! I could have driven to the manufactures factory and gotten a CD hot off the press in the length of time it took to update the old program!
IF Frontier would upgrade things we might, maybe, possibly have internet speeds that would allow us to say, oh, play a game on Facebook or, dare I say it, watch Netflix without pausing it for over an hour so you can watch twenty uninterrupted minutes. Or make and receive phone calls even when a bird flies past the wire! Yup, it’s that bad.
Thank you Frontier!!
All of these problems and more have driven me to spend the money on a Link2cell system. I’ve taken the plunge, I've ordered it and it will be on its way to me within the next five days! When that box arrives I will tear it open, devour the instructions and then set the thing up and let it charge. Then I will wait, something I should be used to. And when the time is right, when the planets align and the birds roost, I will make that first experimental phone call.
If it works I will rejoice!!!
If it doesn’t, I will return my new toy and buy a chainsaw!
Sexual dysfunction…..
Have any of you seen that commercial that says “If you have suffered injuries or serious side effects caused by a drug you are taking for the treatment of erectile dysfunction (ED), you may have a defective product liability claim”?
Now, let’s just stop for a second and think about that…….”injuries”? That brings to mind a million scenarios'. Maybe it’s just because I’m a twisted bitch, but the concept of sharpening a pencil down to a nub keeps running through my mind!! I know that’s not possible, but still, that’s what I imagine.
I know there are lawsuits going on right now saying that these various and sunder ED drugs “may” cause skin cancer. That brings yet another mental picture to mind, this one is not near as funny and is rather gross and, well, walking deadish, which of course leads my twisted little brain to breeding zombies and how much trouble Daryl would be in surrounded by little green/brown ankle biters!!
Anyway, my mind doesn't work the way normal people’s do. Nope, nope, nope, mine explores the extreme with the delight of a three year old with a trunk of candy!! I know it’s not good for me, but I just can’t help myself!!
I don’t understand the whole thing. Although I don’t have the particular parts that are necessary to need ED drugs, I still have to wonder about the mentality of anyone that will listen an advertisement that says, “Consult your Doctor to see if you are healthy enough to engage in sex.”
Maybe it’s just me, but if I were a man and my penis wasn't working I would probably have the opinion that I was NOT healthy enough for sex. Not to mention, if it’s not working, you probably shouldn't try to use it anyway. That’s like trying to drive your car with no wheels, or use a flashlight with no batteries……it’s a waste of time.
And the medical industry seems to think if your penis doesn't work, take a pill and it will!! Yup!! But if you have an erection for more than four hours consult your doctor (I hope the doctor is attractive and capable of handling a four hour long erection!!). If you have tingling in your arms, legs, chest or head, or if you become dizzy during sexual activity STOP AT ONCE and contact your physician. Personally, sex where my arms/lets/chest/head tingles and I become dizzy is usually because of the position or else it is really, really, REALLY good sex!!!
Do not take if: you use nitrates, you have had a heart attack in the last six months, you have long QT syndrome, high or low blood pressure, seizures, liver or kidney disease, a blood cell disorder, a bleeding disorder, an ulcer, hearing or vision problems or history of hearing/vision lost, eye dis order, deformity of penis or, and these kill me, if you are nursing or pregnant, or attempting to become pregnant or if you have been told you should not have sexual intercourse!! Seriously?? PREGNANT??? If you are pregnant and you need ED medication you should consult the media immediately!! You will be one rich SOB!!
Anyway, there is several lawsuits against the makers of these drugs because of some of the very things they warn you about. Yup, men are suing because they have lost sight in one eye, or they have had a stroke, or their ulcer is bleeding severely!! Of course the lawyers for the drug companies, for what ever reason, haven’t mentioned the fact that the assholes should have read the warnings that are listed in the literature, or even discussed it with their doctors. That’s because there is, believe it or not, a large illegal trade in ED medications!!!
Yup, penis pill pushers!! Illicit erection dealers!!
What the hell??
Anyway, the point I was trying to make is simple, no matter what the drug, no matter if it’s legally obtained or illegally traded, responsibility should lay with the individuals who use said drug!
We've all seen the commercials that scream at us from the television ranting about the blood thinner that causes profuse bleeding (which seems to me like something you would expect if your blood was too thin), the acne medication that causes raging insanity, the breast implants that cause a myriad of health troubles and the blood pressure medication that causes you to black out. All of these things come with mountains of warnings and any competent medical professional will tell you about said side effects.
Yet there are tons of lawsuits! I don’t understand it!!
Can I sue the electric company if I stick a fork into a light socket and get shocked?? I know better, I have been warned against it and told all the horrible things that could happen if I did so, but yet I do it. Who is responsible for the resulting injuries? MonPower or me?
If I scold myself while cooking mac and cheese is it Kraft’s fault??
If I put a can of tuna in the microwave and it catches fire do I sue Chicken of the Sea??
Come on people, were is the responsibility?? Have we become such idiots that we have absolutely no common sense?? Are we so under-educated that we can’t read the warning labels and understand what they mean?
All of these lawsuits and class actions has driven the price of almost every product through the roof. It’s a nationwide fact that many people can’t afford the medication that they have to have in order to continue living. The prices have become ridiculous!! But of course the attorneys are the ones that are actually making out and they are making out well enough that they can afford their drugs, both legal and illegal! Once they have sued for millions of dollars and taken their cut, the individuals that were actually harmed receive next to nothing. And the drug companies raise the prices and those in actual need suffer.
All because some of the idiots of the world refuse to read the labels of chemical compounds that they are putting into their own bodies.
So if your dick is not working, and you get some ED medication and then go blind, remember, it was YOUR idea, not ours. Most of us don’t care if you have a pointer or a hanger as long as you keep it to yourself!
Now, let’s just stop for a second and think about that…….”injuries”? That brings to mind a million scenarios'. Maybe it’s just because I’m a twisted bitch, but the concept of sharpening a pencil down to a nub keeps running through my mind!! I know that’s not possible, but still, that’s what I imagine.
I know there are lawsuits going on right now saying that these various and sunder ED drugs “may” cause skin cancer. That brings yet another mental picture to mind, this one is not near as funny and is rather gross and, well, walking deadish, which of course leads my twisted little brain to breeding zombies and how much trouble Daryl would be in surrounded by little green/brown ankle biters!!
Anyway, my mind doesn't work the way normal people’s do. Nope, nope, nope, mine explores the extreme with the delight of a three year old with a trunk of candy!! I know it’s not good for me, but I just can’t help myself!!
I don’t understand the whole thing. Although I don’t have the particular parts that are necessary to need ED drugs, I still have to wonder about the mentality of anyone that will listen an advertisement that says, “Consult your Doctor to see if you are healthy enough to engage in sex.”
Maybe it’s just me, but if I were a man and my penis wasn't working I would probably have the opinion that I was NOT healthy enough for sex. Not to mention, if it’s not working, you probably shouldn't try to use it anyway. That’s like trying to drive your car with no wheels, or use a flashlight with no batteries……it’s a waste of time.
And the medical industry seems to think if your penis doesn't work, take a pill and it will!! Yup!! But if you have an erection for more than four hours consult your doctor (I hope the doctor is attractive and capable of handling a four hour long erection!!). If you have tingling in your arms, legs, chest or head, or if you become dizzy during sexual activity STOP AT ONCE and contact your physician. Personally, sex where my arms/lets/chest/head tingles and I become dizzy is usually because of the position or else it is really, really, REALLY good sex!!!
Do not take if: you use nitrates, you have had a heart attack in the last six months, you have long QT syndrome, high or low blood pressure, seizures, liver or kidney disease, a blood cell disorder, a bleeding disorder, an ulcer, hearing or vision problems or history of hearing/vision lost, eye dis order, deformity of penis or, and these kill me, if you are nursing or pregnant, or attempting to become pregnant or if you have been told you should not have sexual intercourse!! Seriously?? PREGNANT??? If you are pregnant and you need ED medication you should consult the media immediately!! You will be one rich SOB!!
Anyway, there is several lawsuits against the makers of these drugs because of some of the very things they warn you about. Yup, men are suing because they have lost sight in one eye, or they have had a stroke, or their ulcer is bleeding severely!! Of course the lawyers for the drug companies, for what ever reason, haven’t mentioned the fact that the assholes should have read the warnings that are listed in the literature, or even discussed it with their doctors. That’s because there is, believe it or not, a large illegal trade in ED medications!!!
Yup, penis pill pushers!! Illicit erection dealers!!
What the hell??
Anyway, the point I was trying to make is simple, no matter what the drug, no matter if it’s legally obtained or illegally traded, responsibility should lay with the individuals who use said drug!
We've all seen the commercials that scream at us from the television ranting about the blood thinner that causes profuse bleeding (which seems to me like something you would expect if your blood was too thin), the acne medication that causes raging insanity, the breast implants that cause a myriad of health troubles and the blood pressure medication that causes you to black out. All of these things come with mountains of warnings and any competent medical professional will tell you about said side effects.
Yet there are tons of lawsuits! I don’t understand it!!
Can I sue the electric company if I stick a fork into a light socket and get shocked?? I know better, I have been warned against it and told all the horrible things that could happen if I did so, but yet I do it. Who is responsible for the resulting injuries? MonPower or me?
If I scold myself while cooking mac and cheese is it Kraft’s fault??
If I put a can of tuna in the microwave and it catches fire do I sue Chicken of the Sea??
Come on people, were is the responsibility?? Have we become such idiots that we have absolutely no common sense?? Are we so under-educated that we can’t read the warning labels and understand what they mean?
All of these lawsuits and class actions has driven the price of almost every product through the roof. It’s a nationwide fact that many people can’t afford the medication that they have to have in order to continue living. The prices have become ridiculous!! But of course the attorneys are the ones that are actually making out and they are making out well enough that they can afford their drugs, both legal and illegal! Once they have sued for millions of dollars and taken their cut, the individuals that were actually harmed receive next to nothing. And the drug companies raise the prices and those in actual need suffer.
All because some of the idiots of the world refuse to read the labels of chemical compounds that they are putting into their own bodies.
So if your dick is not working, and you get some ED medication and then go blind, remember, it was YOUR idea, not ours. Most of us don’t care if you have a pointer or a hanger as long as you keep it to yourself!
Friday, December 26, 2014
Is there never a time……
Last night, after having survived the worse Christmas of my life to date, I was watching some movie on television. It was a Christmas movie naturally, I mean it WAS Christmas Day, and there were the usual commercials advertising the great sales that began at 6 a.m. today, or the wonderful year end auto sales events.
Anyway, not really paying attention, I was drifting in an out when I heard, “We are your Valentine Shopping Stop!” VALENTINE SHOPPING?? It was STILL Christmas and already the media and the corporate assholes are pushing us toward spending money on VALENTINE Day??? WTF??
I know more than a few people who have yet to recover from the insane amount of money they felt the need to spend this year. After all, Corporate America tells us what is the “acceptable” amount to spend, right? And this year, Corporate America seemed to think that we, the American People, had all hit the lottery and were drunk with spending power. Never mind that we are raising a generation of idiots that are incapable of simple things like playing outside or knowing that just because the Road Runner ties dynamite to his back in order to fly it’s okay for them to. (Seriously?? We watched those cartoons as children, and no one had to tell us that it was NOT something to do, or that is was NOT real. Now, our children can’t watch Looney Tunes because they are to violent for “young developing minds” and cause “irreparable damage to the psyche”. WTF??? Seriously? How many of the people coming up with that idea HAVE a damaged psyche?)
Today, the 26 day of December, the very day AFTER Christmas, I have seen not one but TWO commercials, both being shown during the airing of a Christmas Program, attempting to brain wash us into spending money we don’t have for more things we don’t know because, “She’ll you love her if……” Really? So now “love” is dependent on how deeply you go into debt for a piece of metal and a stone that is simply coal under immense pressure? If you don’t spend the absolute correct amount of cash the woman you have given your heart to will simply STOP loving you?? Who’s brilliant idea is this?
We, the consumers, are allowing the greed driven media to brainwash us into believing whatever the money hungry corporate machine tells us. Now, I know that some of you are thinking, okay, she’s one of those people. She is Anti-consumerism!!!!
Nope, I am NOT!! I am ANTI-DRONE, ANTI-BRAINWASHED, ANTI-IMMEDIATE GRADIFICATION!! That is what I am.
I don’t believe ANY of us have to be the little spending machines that the large corporations demand we be. We DO NOT have to go out and spend thousands upon thousands of dollars in order to be good parents!! Children do NOT need a new I-phone at the age of 4!! Hell, the only phone they need at the age of four is a PRETEND one that cost about $5 TOPS!! NOT a $700 phone capable of dialing Bumfuck Egypt!! I look at it this way, if you allow your toddler to play with your phone or worse BUY them one, and they call some stranger halfway around the world and run up a $10,000 phone bill…..you are simply REAPING WHAT YOU SOW!! Yup, I said it, you DESERVE to be deeper in debt for a phone than you will ever be for a house BECAUSE YOU ARE A IDIOT DRONE OF THE LARGE CORPORATIONS!! As a funny man says, “Here’s your sign!!”
Just because the idiots on television tell us that our children “deserve” the BEST electronics does NOT mean they deserve ANY electronics!! Toddlers with cell phones and computer games lead to FAT KIDS!!
Remember when we were children?? We did the most ludicrous things!! We actually OPENED THE DOOR AND WENT OUTSIDE!! OMG!! Can you imagine??? OUTSIDE??? Do kids today even KNOW what outside is??
We played with balls and sticks!! YUP, STICKS!! We made up games to play!! WE RAN!!! We played tag and Mother May I and Red light, Green light!! OMG, we actually EXCERISED!! And guess what, CHILDHOOD OBSEITY WAS NEVER HEARD OF!! Yeah, there was one or two “fat” kids, but not that was the exception NOT the rule!!
We didn’t have kids with high blood pressure or high blood sugar! None of our classmates died of a heart attack or stroke. We actually used our bodies AND our minds!! We played in the mud and caught bugs, we ran, we jumped, we imagined entire worlds and fought off bad guys with dirty, germ infested sticks!! And here is the KICKER, we SURVIVED!!
But then again, when we were kids Christmas didn’t begin the day after Halloween either!! And there was a break between Christmas and Valentine Day!!
No one felt obligated to BUY someone an expensive piece of whatever in order to feel loved. We KNEW we were loved!!
And the advertising that actually says “She’ll love you if….”?? Well, in my opinion the very fact that someone’s love is based on what you GET her, well, that bitch is what we used to call a gold digger and if you actually believe that she will love YOU and not your MONEY then you deserve to have your money disappear as quickly as rats abandoning a sinking ship!
I guarantee that long before Valentine day is here there will be commercials for Easter and all the candy that our kids “deserve”. Because, CANDY is what Easter is all about,right?? I mean, that rabbit shitting colored eggs was right there the day the stone was rolled away, right?? He sat right there, his little basket of chocolate goodies over his paw, popping out colored eggs for all the little kids to find!!
Yup, that’s how it happened!! We are ALL stupid enough to believe that one……or at least big business thinks we are!!
Before the dye has even dried on the hard boiled eggs we will be seeing ads for flowers saying things like “Your Mother will know you love her if…..” you could finish that statement with things like, you spend $200 on a bouquet of hothouse grown, genetically modified flowers!! This mother would know her kids loved her if she got a phone call and maybe a visit. Hell, a hand written letter would mean more to me than flowers that are simply going to wither away!!
Before the Mother’s Day flowers have begun to fade there will be commercials for hot dogs and soda, boat trips and vacations. Yup, Memorial Day is up next!! And you know we can’t have that particular holiday without there being picnics in strange places, places where you have to stay at least overnight at a high priced hotel far away from home!!
The Memorial Day hotdogs will still be steaming when we begin to see commercials for new trucks and watches, phones and razors for our Dads!! Because Dad can’t be sure of our feelings for him unless he has a high-priced watch/phone/truck/razor or whatever. And you know that wrapping paper won’t be in the trash before we see some celebrity on the television telling us we need to go to Washington D.C. or Gatlinburg or Chicago to celebrate the Independence of our Nation with fireworks, apple pie and vacations!! New trucks and cars, sales on all things electronic and most things made of cloth!! Because nothing says Freedom like owing thousands of dollars on a new vehicle or living room set!!!
The fireworks will be a distant echo when we begin to see advertisements for the dreaded Labor Day sales!! Yup, the White Sales will descend upon us!!! We will be poked and prodded into going into the stores to buy even MORE shit we don’t need!! They will tell us we absolutely HAVE to have these things or else we won’t have the conveniences that make us “cool”, “attractive”, or ”privileged” so that our neighbors will envy us!! We NEED to have these things, CORPORATE AMERICA says so!!!
As we leave the Labor Day Sales we will pass the Halloween displays, with their array of candies, monsters, makeup and decorations!! Yup, Halloween is THE coolest Autumn celebration!! Absolutely!! Just as any advertising agency!!!
Our Jack-O-Lanterns will still have candles glowing inside when they begin bombarding us with turkeys, dressings, cranberries, travel and “Thanksgiving gifts” (have NO idea what the hell those are, but I saw them advertised this year!!) Airlines will have special rates if you book by September! Hotels will give you a two for one room rates if you reserve for Thanksgiving by the last day in August!!! Yup, book early and you will save, save, save!!
The Turkey won’t be defrosted before they are advertising BLACK FRIDAY!! Yup, that horrible torment day where they try to force us into believing that the BEST deals are ONLY on that day!! We should all go and fight with one another in order to buy yet one more item we DO NOT NEED!! We should trample complete strangers in order to BUY a new television to play the new video games on!!!
As we recover from the bruises and contusions of Black Friday we will endure a deluge of Christmas movies, Christmas songs, Christmas advertising for Christmas gifts that we DO NOT NEED!! Hell, we usually don’t even want the junk that other people buy us, because there is NO THOUGHT, NO INSPIRATION, NO PERSONAL TOUCH in any of the trash we see advertised on television!! What happened to the afghans that Mom used to make? Or the quilts that Granny sewed for us? What about the bookcases Dad worked so hard on, or the beautifully made bedspreads of yesterday? What happened to the balls and bats, the jump ropes and Frisbees??
What happened to there being at least a few days between Christmas and Valentine day?? Or any of the holidays for that matter? WHY must we rush everything all year long?? Why must we have fat, spoiled, unimaginative children? Why is it so important that our phones do everything EXCEPT charge themselves?? When did we become a Nation of lazy, greedy, self-centered drones driven by the Corporate Machine??
And what the hell happened to New Year’s celebrations?? I haven’t seen ONE add for that, but there was just another one advertising jewelry for gold digging women who will only love you if you buy them the biggest, most expensive ring out there, regardless of how much you can afford!!!
Way to go Corporate America, you make us proud…….
Anyway, not really paying attention, I was drifting in an out when I heard, “We are your Valentine Shopping Stop!” VALENTINE SHOPPING?? It was STILL Christmas and already the media and the corporate assholes are pushing us toward spending money on VALENTINE Day??? WTF??
I know more than a few people who have yet to recover from the insane amount of money they felt the need to spend this year. After all, Corporate America tells us what is the “acceptable” amount to spend, right? And this year, Corporate America seemed to think that we, the American People, had all hit the lottery and were drunk with spending power. Never mind that we are raising a generation of idiots that are incapable of simple things like playing outside or knowing that just because the Road Runner ties dynamite to his back in order to fly it’s okay for them to. (Seriously?? We watched those cartoons as children, and no one had to tell us that it was NOT something to do, or that is was NOT real. Now, our children can’t watch Looney Tunes because they are to violent for “young developing minds” and cause “irreparable damage to the psyche”. WTF??? Seriously? How many of the people coming up with that idea HAVE a damaged psyche?)
Today, the 26 day of December, the very day AFTER Christmas, I have seen not one but TWO commercials, both being shown during the airing of a Christmas Program, attempting to brain wash us into spending money we don’t have for more things we don’t know because, “She’ll you love her if……” Really? So now “love” is dependent on how deeply you go into debt for a piece of metal and a stone that is simply coal under immense pressure? If you don’t spend the absolute correct amount of cash the woman you have given your heart to will simply STOP loving you?? Who’s brilliant idea is this?
We, the consumers, are allowing the greed driven media to brainwash us into believing whatever the money hungry corporate machine tells us. Now, I know that some of you are thinking, okay, she’s one of those people. She is Anti-consumerism!!!!
Nope, I am NOT!! I am ANTI-DRONE, ANTI-BRAINWASHED, ANTI-IMMEDIATE GRADIFICATION!! That is what I am.
I don’t believe ANY of us have to be the little spending machines that the large corporations demand we be. We DO NOT have to go out and spend thousands upon thousands of dollars in order to be good parents!! Children do NOT need a new I-phone at the age of 4!! Hell, the only phone they need at the age of four is a PRETEND one that cost about $5 TOPS!! NOT a $700 phone capable of dialing Bumfuck Egypt!! I look at it this way, if you allow your toddler to play with your phone or worse BUY them one, and they call some stranger halfway around the world and run up a $10,000 phone bill…..you are simply REAPING WHAT YOU SOW!! Yup, I said it, you DESERVE to be deeper in debt for a phone than you will ever be for a house BECAUSE YOU ARE A IDIOT DRONE OF THE LARGE CORPORATIONS!! As a funny man says, “Here’s your sign!!”
Just because the idiots on television tell us that our children “deserve” the BEST electronics does NOT mean they deserve ANY electronics!! Toddlers with cell phones and computer games lead to FAT KIDS!!
Remember when we were children?? We did the most ludicrous things!! We actually OPENED THE DOOR AND WENT OUTSIDE!! OMG!! Can you imagine??? OUTSIDE??? Do kids today even KNOW what outside is??
We played with balls and sticks!! YUP, STICKS!! We made up games to play!! WE RAN!!! We played tag and Mother May I and Red light, Green light!! OMG, we actually EXCERISED!! And guess what, CHILDHOOD OBSEITY WAS NEVER HEARD OF!! Yeah, there was one or two “fat” kids, but not that was the exception NOT the rule!!
We didn’t have kids with high blood pressure or high blood sugar! None of our classmates died of a heart attack or stroke. We actually used our bodies AND our minds!! We played in the mud and caught bugs, we ran, we jumped, we imagined entire worlds and fought off bad guys with dirty, germ infested sticks!! And here is the KICKER, we SURVIVED!!
But then again, when we were kids Christmas didn’t begin the day after Halloween either!! And there was a break between Christmas and Valentine Day!!
No one felt obligated to BUY someone an expensive piece of whatever in order to feel loved. We KNEW we were loved!!
And the advertising that actually says “She’ll love you if….”?? Well, in my opinion the very fact that someone’s love is based on what you GET her, well, that bitch is what we used to call a gold digger and if you actually believe that she will love YOU and not your MONEY then you deserve to have your money disappear as quickly as rats abandoning a sinking ship!
I guarantee that long before Valentine day is here there will be commercials for Easter and all the candy that our kids “deserve”. Because, CANDY is what Easter is all about,right?? I mean, that rabbit shitting colored eggs was right there the day the stone was rolled away, right?? He sat right there, his little basket of chocolate goodies over his paw, popping out colored eggs for all the little kids to find!!
Yup, that’s how it happened!! We are ALL stupid enough to believe that one……or at least big business thinks we are!!
Before the dye has even dried on the hard boiled eggs we will be seeing ads for flowers saying things like “Your Mother will know you love her if…..” you could finish that statement with things like, you spend $200 on a bouquet of hothouse grown, genetically modified flowers!! This mother would know her kids loved her if she got a phone call and maybe a visit. Hell, a hand written letter would mean more to me than flowers that are simply going to wither away!!
Before the Mother’s Day flowers have begun to fade there will be commercials for hot dogs and soda, boat trips and vacations. Yup, Memorial Day is up next!! And you know we can’t have that particular holiday without there being picnics in strange places, places where you have to stay at least overnight at a high priced hotel far away from home!!
The Memorial Day hotdogs will still be steaming when we begin to see commercials for new trucks and watches, phones and razors for our Dads!! Because Dad can’t be sure of our feelings for him unless he has a high-priced watch/phone/truck/razor or whatever. And you know that wrapping paper won’t be in the trash before we see some celebrity on the television telling us we need to go to Washington D.C. or Gatlinburg or Chicago to celebrate the Independence of our Nation with fireworks, apple pie and vacations!! New trucks and cars, sales on all things electronic and most things made of cloth!! Because nothing says Freedom like owing thousands of dollars on a new vehicle or living room set!!!
The fireworks will be a distant echo when we begin to see advertisements for the dreaded Labor Day sales!! Yup, the White Sales will descend upon us!!! We will be poked and prodded into going into the stores to buy even MORE shit we don’t need!! They will tell us we absolutely HAVE to have these things or else we won’t have the conveniences that make us “cool”, “attractive”, or ”privileged” so that our neighbors will envy us!! We NEED to have these things, CORPORATE AMERICA says so!!!
As we leave the Labor Day Sales we will pass the Halloween displays, with their array of candies, monsters, makeup and decorations!! Yup, Halloween is THE coolest Autumn celebration!! Absolutely!! Just as any advertising agency!!!
Our Jack-O-Lanterns will still have candles glowing inside when they begin bombarding us with turkeys, dressings, cranberries, travel and “Thanksgiving gifts” (have NO idea what the hell those are, but I saw them advertised this year!!) Airlines will have special rates if you book by September! Hotels will give you a two for one room rates if you reserve for Thanksgiving by the last day in August!!! Yup, book early and you will save, save, save!!
The Turkey won’t be defrosted before they are advertising BLACK FRIDAY!! Yup, that horrible torment day where they try to force us into believing that the BEST deals are ONLY on that day!! We should all go and fight with one another in order to buy yet one more item we DO NOT NEED!! We should trample complete strangers in order to BUY a new television to play the new video games on!!!
As we recover from the bruises and contusions of Black Friday we will endure a deluge of Christmas movies, Christmas songs, Christmas advertising for Christmas gifts that we DO NOT NEED!! Hell, we usually don’t even want the junk that other people buy us, because there is NO THOUGHT, NO INSPIRATION, NO PERSONAL TOUCH in any of the trash we see advertised on television!! What happened to the afghans that Mom used to make? Or the quilts that Granny sewed for us? What about the bookcases Dad worked so hard on, or the beautifully made bedspreads of yesterday? What happened to the balls and bats, the jump ropes and Frisbees??
What happened to there being at least a few days between Christmas and Valentine day?? Or any of the holidays for that matter? WHY must we rush everything all year long?? Why must we have fat, spoiled, unimaginative children? Why is it so important that our phones do everything EXCEPT charge themselves?? When did we become a Nation of lazy, greedy, self-centered drones driven by the Corporate Machine??
And what the hell happened to New Year’s celebrations?? I haven’t seen ONE add for that, but there was just another one advertising jewelry for gold digging women who will only love you if you buy them the biggest, most expensive ring out there, regardless of how much you can afford!!!
Way to go Corporate America, you make us proud…….
Thursday, December 25, 2014
Wishing you all a Happy/Merry whatever you celebrate.
Boy, what a day. The last 24 hours has seen me having intense discussions with Pagans, Jews, one Buddhist, several Muslims and more than one Atheist. Each one of them made valid points for why they didn't agree with my Merry Christmas and Santa’s sleigh thing from last night. I respect each of their opinions.
But, each of us have opinions, just like each of us have assholes, and to everyone else, they both stink. It doesn't matter how much you shine it up or what you decorate it with, it’s still nothing that other’s want to share with you!! (well, perhaps, but we’re not talking in a sexual manner about either one)
I am sitting here, trying to understand why people can’t just be happy! I mean, I know many people who are close in distance to their families, but, for whatever reason, they don’t want to spend time with them today or yesterday. Two days when, traditionally, families have desired to be together.
My family is spread out like a tablespoon of sauce on a pizza crust. We’re far in distance, and we can’t all get together for financial reasons as well as health ones. We don’t get to spend the Holidays together, we don’t get to enjoy each other’s company and fellowship. We are each in our own lives, with little overlap with one another.
I do my best to keep the Spirit of the Season. But sometimes it’s so hard that I just want to sleep through until Spring. It’s difficult to be joyous when you are surrounded by negativity. It’s hard to be happy when everyone around you is so hateful and full of themselves. Why should I even bother? What difference does it make?
This year many wonderful people helped me to make the Holidays a little better for some people who are having a hard time of it. We managed to get over 600 holiday cards sent out, many with small gifts, some with big gifts, for those people. THAT gives me joy!!!
This year I made sure that several others had what they needed to make a simple meal for today, nothing fancy, but good solid food. THAT gives me joy!!
This year we, some of those same wonderful people who helped with the cards, made sure that a young man who had began thinking no one gave a shit, KNEW that there are many, many people who do. We made sure an elderly woman who misses her family as badly as I miss mine KNEW that there are people out here to care if she has some joy in her life or not. We made sure that her animals were taken care of, we made sure she knew someone cared.
WHY can’t everyone do that? Why is it left up to the few to try and make a difference? What about when the few get tired of even trying and just stop? Will the world change for the worse? Can it?
I've lost my Spirit. I've allowed others to make me feel as though nothing is enough or that nothing is ever right. I've allowed myself to be infected with the apathy that seems to run rampant now. I am not enjoying the Season or the Spirit that goes with it. I have allowed the people who think THEY have the only correct belief, the only TRUTH, to infect me with their insanity.
It sucks!
I miss feeling the warmth of the Season. I miss the excitement and the joy that I once felt. That I had felt until the last several days. I miss the hope that I felt every single winter. That hope has left a gaping hole in my heart.
People can and do manage to infect each other with darkness. I have fallen victim to it myself. There is no spring in my step today. There is no fellowship that I am a part of today. There is no hope blooming in my heart.
There is only depression and sadness, despair and and hopelessness.
Should I say thank you to those who have killed my Spirit? Or should I just walk away from them, like they have walked away from the rest of us?
If you are with family, please, enjoy them. If you have the Spirit, please try to share it. Don’t allow others to dampen your happiness. It sucks when you do, believe me, I know. I am there right now.
But, each of us have opinions, just like each of us have assholes, and to everyone else, they both stink. It doesn't matter how much you shine it up or what you decorate it with, it’s still nothing that other’s want to share with you!! (well, perhaps, but we’re not talking in a sexual manner about either one)
I am sitting here, trying to understand why people can’t just be happy! I mean, I know many people who are close in distance to their families, but, for whatever reason, they don’t want to spend time with them today or yesterday. Two days when, traditionally, families have desired to be together.
My family is spread out like a tablespoon of sauce on a pizza crust. We’re far in distance, and we can’t all get together for financial reasons as well as health ones. We don’t get to spend the Holidays together, we don’t get to enjoy each other’s company and fellowship. We are each in our own lives, with little overlap with one another.
I do my best to keep the Spirit of the Season. But sometimes it’s so hard that I just want to sleep through until Spring. It’s difficult to be joyous when you are surrounded by negativity. It’s hard to be happy when everyone around you is so hateful and full of themselves. Why should I even bother? What difference does it make?
This year many wonderful people helped me to make the Holidays a little better for some people who are having a hard time of it. We managed to get over 600 holiday cards sent out, many with small gifts, some with big gifts, for those people. THAT gives me joy!!!
This year I made sure that several others had what they needed to make a simple meal for today, nothing fancy, but good solid food. THAT gives me joy!!
This year we, some of those same wonderful people who helped with the cards, made sure that a young man who had began thinking no one gave a shit, KNEW that there are many, many people who do. We made sure an elderly woman who misses her family as badly as I miss mine KNEW that there are people out here to care if she has some joy in her life or not. We made sure that her animals were taken care of, we made sure she knew someone cared.
WHY can’t everyone do that? Why is it left up to the few to try and make a difference? What about when the few get tired of even trying and just stop? Will the world change for the worse? Can it?
I've lost my Spirit. I've allowed others to make me feel as though nothing is enough or that nothing is ever right. I've allowed myself to be infected with the apathy that seems to run rampant now. I am not enjoying the Season or the Spirit that goes with it. I have allowed the people who think THEY have the only correct belief, the only TRUTH, to infect me with their insanity.
It sucks!
I miss feeling the warmth of the Season. I miss the excitement and the joy that I once felt. That I had felt until the last several days. I miss the hope that I felt every single winter. That hope has left a gaping hole in my heart.
People can and do manage to infect each other with darkness. I have fallen victim to it myself. There is no spring in my step today. There is no fellowship that I am a part of today. There is no hope blooming in my heart.
There is only depression and sadness, despair and and hopelessness.
Should I say thank you to those who have killed my Spirit? Or should I just walk away from them, like they have walked away from the rest of us?
If you are with family, please, enjoy them. If you have the Spirit, please try to share it. Don’t allow others to dampen your happiness. It sucks when you do, believe me, I know. I am there right now.
Human beings can ruin anything…..
You know, I’ve always enjoyed this particular time of year. I don’t care if you can it Christmas or Yule, The Day of Enlightenment or Saturnalia or Yule, Hanukkah or nothing at all. I will wish you a Merry Christmas or simply say Happy Holidays or Seasons Greetings. What I say has nothing to do you with and whether or not I know which particular path you have chosen to the Divine, it has to do with ME and how I feel at that moment.
I get sick to death of the entire Politically Correct bullshit!! When I say Merry Christmas I MEAN SOMETHING GOOD FOR YOU, I don’t mean to insult you or your belief system! And if you want the truth of the matter, I could NOT care less which particular religion you are, IT IS NOT MY BUSINESS, IT IS BETWEEN YOU AND THE DIVINE, NOT YOU AND ME. My approval of your beliefs shouldn't matter one whit, any more than your approval of mine.
I have people that I care about, some that I care about very deeply, that twist themselves in knots when I include them in any of my season’s enjoyment. They will usually start with, “You know that….” and end with something equally as condescending. They miss the entire point that I care enough to even include them in my hope for this season. They seem to take for granted that I intended on offending them in some manner.
Well, here’s the truth of it. I am physically and emotionally incapable of giving less of a shit about you being offended by my well wishes for you. If you can’t get past the “I’m Offended” and realize that I, usually a complete stranger to you, but sometimes a person you should know well, have a desire to see you be blessed with happiness, health, peace and enjoyment, then perhaps I should say “Shitty day to you” or “Screw you” when I see you or if I perhaps send you a card.
Perhaps I should be as offended by all of you. I should get on my soapbox and shout to the world, “The well wishes of these people offend me. I am not of their particular brand of religion so the fact that they use the name of their particular Deity to bless me offends me and sends me into spasms of indignation. I want to sue the entire world, because NONE of you believe exactly like I do and I am offended by that fact as well. I don’t want ANYONE to wish ANYONE else a happy, blessed, merry, or any other adjective day!!!”
Perhaps I should jump on the bandwagon of the offended. Because you can bet your ass that I get offended at the stupidity and self-importance that is running rampant at this time of year. I get offended that you DARE send me messages because I have posted to MY OWN DAMN FACEBOOK PAGE, about the route of Santa Claus. I am offended that you DARE take something I do for the kids and turn it into some politically/religiously offensive thing!! HOW DARE YOU!!
I don’t care if you associate this season with the Christian God or with a Pagan God, or if you associate it with a Popsicle stick!! When I wish you a Merry Christmas it is my way of saying, I wish you well, I hope you find peace and love. It is NOT I hope you are a Christian and if not I hope you become one!
I spend this season alone, not surrounded by friends and family. I will sit here, by myself, and do whatever I need to. I don’t have a tree, I don’t have presents, I don’t have people to enjoy the community with. These past few years have been tougher on me than any of you realize, but I AM STILL HERE!! I am still able to care about my fellow human being and wish them well.
So while you sit in your house, eating your dinner and opening your gifts, or while you tramp around outside hunting for that big buck or while you play your computer games or watch your television, REMEMBER, there are people out here that have NOTHING left to offer but GOOD WISHES to you and yours. There are those of us that can’t do the usual things that people do this time of year, but we CAN and we DO hope you are surrounded by love and peace.
So get offended when I say Merry Christmas. Jump on your soapbox when I say Happy Holidays. Jump up and down when I say Season Greetings You’re not hurting anyone except yourself.
Now that I've spouted off and gotten all of this off my chest, I am going to crawl back under the covers and go back to sleep, secure in the knowledge that I have no ill will toward any of you. I truly do wish nothing but good for all of you.
Be offended by that!
Merry Christmas!!
I get sick to death of the entire Politically Correct bullshit!! When I say Merry Christmas I MEAN SOMETHING GOOD FOR YOU, I don’t mean to insult you or your belief system! And if you want the truth of the matter, I could NOT care less which particular religion you are, IT IS NOT MY BUSINESS, IT IS BETWEEN YOU AND THE DIVINE, NOT YOU AND ME. My approval of your beliefs shouldn't matter one whit, any more than your approval of mine.
I have people that I care about, some that I care about very deeply, that twist themselves in knots when I include them in any of my season’s enjoyment. They will usually start with, “You know that….” and end with something equally as condescending. They miss the entire point that I care enough to even include them in my hope for this season. They seem to take for granted that I intended on offending them in some manner.
Well, here’s the truth of it. I am physically and emotionally incapable of giving less of a shit about you being offended by my well wishes for you. If you can’t get past the “I’m Offended” and realize that I, usually a complete stranger to you, but sometimes a person you should know well, have a desire to see you be blessed with happiness, health, peace and enjoyment, then perhaps I should say “Shitty day to you” or “Screw you” when I see you or if I perhaps send you a card.
Perhaps I should be as offended by all of you. I should get on my soapbox and shout to the world, “The well wishes of these people offend me. I am not of their particular brand of religion so the fact that they use the name of their particular Deity to bless me offends me and sends me into spasms of indignation. I want to sue the entire world, because NONE of you believe exactly like I do and I am offended by that fact as well. I don’t want ANYONE to wish ANYONE else a happy, blessed, merry, or any other adjective day!!!”
Perhaps I should jump on the bandwagon of the offended. Because you can bet your ass that I get offended at the stupidity and self-importance that is running rampant at this time of year. I get offended that you DARE send me messages because I have posted to MY OWN DAMN FACEBOOK PAGE, about the route of Santa Claus. I am offended that you DARE take something I do for the kids and turn it into some politically/religiously offensive thing!! HOW DARE YOU!!
I don’t care if you associate this season with the Christian God or with a Pagan God, or if you associate it with a Popsicle stick!! When I wish you a Merry Christmas it is my way of saying, I wish you well, I hope you find peace and love. It is NOT I hope you are a Christian and if not I hope you become one!
I spend this season alone, not surrounded by friends and family. I will sit here, by myself, and do whatever I need to. I don’t have a tree, I don’t have presents, I don’t have people to enjoy the community with. These past few years have been tougher on me than any of you realize, but I AM STILL HERE!! I am still able to care about my fellow human being and wish them well.
So while you sit in your house, eating your dinner and opening your gifts, or while you tramp around outside hunting for that big buck or while you play your computer games or watch your television, REMEMBER, there are people out here that have NOTHING left to offer but GOOD WISHES to you and yours. There are those of us that can’t do the usual things that people do this time of year, but we CAN and we DO hope you are surrounded by love and peace.
So get offended when I say Merry Christmas. Jump on your soapbox when I say Happy Holidays. Jump up and down when I say Season Greetings You’re not hurting anyone except yourself.
Now that I've spouted off and gotten all of this off my chest, I am going to crawl back under the covers and go back to sleep, secure in the knowledge that I have no ill will toward any of you. I truly do wish nothing but good for all of you.
Be offended by that!
Merry Christmas!!
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
Christmas eve and all is well……
It’s still dark out and here I sit drinking coffee. I’m thinking about my kids and grandkids, hoping they are all safe and soundly sleeping in their beds. This Christmas, like quite a few in the past, we will not be together. But then again, they are all grown with families of their own. We’re spread out over the country, from Missouri to Georgia, Ohio to New Jersey, we are a scattered bunch.
It seems like just yesterday when they were all small, the oldest three in their teens and the youngest one a cute little blond toddler, all of them anticipating tonight when they would get to open at least one gift. Then tomorrow we would have a dinner and just enjoy each other, watch football if there was any, listen to my youngest son play the guitar and laugh at the youngest daughter talking so excitedly that her words all ran together! Now they are all grown and living far away, some with teenage children of their own.
We all think of days gone by. Sometimes they seem like the only good days there will ever be are the ones long past.
Oh well, I’ll move along, just melancholy today.
Later.
It seems like just yesterday when they were all small, the oldest three in their teens and the youngest one a cute little blond toddler, all of them anticipating tonight when they would get to open at least one gift. Then tomorrow we would have a dinner and just enjoy each other, watch football if there was any, listen to my youngest son play the guitar and laugh at the youngest daughter talking so excitedly that her words all ran together! Now they are all grown and living far away, some with teenage children of their own.
We all think of days gone by. Sometimes they seem like the only good days there will ever be are the ones long past.
Oh well, I’ll move along, just melancholy today.
Later.
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Jingle bells, that cat smells…..
So, I fell asleep and was snoozing away when what do I hear……..the sound of jingle bells!! Yup, JINGLE BELLS!! I thought to myself, damn, that old elf is early this year!! Hmmmmm, maybe this means I get a Christmas Gift! Yay me!!
I spring to my feet only to see……..Judy’s cat had once again taken off his collar and was batting it, bell and all, around the floor. So much for jingle bells, so much for Santa deciding to show up early…..or at all. I swear to you this stinking cat (literally, but more on that later) picked up his collar, bell and all, shook his head and leapt over the back of the couch.
I continued to hear the tinkle, tinkle of the bell for a few minutes, then……silence. Until……..
A snort, long and drawn out, erupted from beneath the covers, deep and full bodied, it washed over me like an ocean wave, growing in tone and volume only to fade away into nothing. Sitting there I watched as the blanket rose slightly and this sound, deep and raspy, almost a growl, grew in volume and tone once again until it crested into a long, drawn out, rumbling like a small locomotive laboring uphill. It began tapering off, diminishing to a soft growl only to once again grow and blossom into an indescribable racket. I began to wonder if I had awakened on the set of a new Stephen King cemetery movie.
Then from the other room a sound akin to thunder assaulted me, rhythmic and loud, it sounded almost like the Tell-tale Heart was attempting to give away my murderous thoughts. Thump, thump, thump, thump…..all accompanied with a rumble that would put to shame any echo of thunder across the hills.
Suddenly the smell hit me. Clawing up my sinus cavities only to slam into my brain with a force that caused my stomach to clinch and my teeth to grit. Even the noise from the couch, which could only be described as the death throes of a large, overweight elephant with asthma, faltered and then dwindled to a stop. Four pounds of wrinkled skin wrapped around a fifty pound attitude that had been producing those sounds had awaken. A small, round, fur covered head poked out from under the covers, big black eyes squinting and unfocused, to sniff once, twice then the little square nose crinkled and a puff of air escaped indicating that there was nothing of interest laying outside the nice, warm blankets. As suddenly as it appeared, the little red head was gone, disappearing back into the dark land of sleep and comfort that lay under the nice warm blankets.
Once again sounds that should only be made by a three hundred pound man with a deviated septum began to echo through the room. I sat there, amazed and disgusted as the smell continued to assault me. Although the little red dog didn't seem to think it was so bad, it wasn't diminishing and my eyes had begun to water as my stomach rolled, threatening to add it’s own odor to the noxious fumes flooding the house.
It wasn't a difficult job to follow the stench to the source. I knew what it was, there was only one thing on the face of the earth that smelled that bad………cat shit. Yup, no doubt about it, the big, grey cat had once again made a night deposit and failed to properly seal it away in the box of magic sand. Quaking with a combination of fear and dread, I approached the large, spoiled feline with trepidation. He stared directly into my eyes as he reached out one large, round paw to scratch at the metal filing cabinet and produce the rhythmic rumble that had sent my mind to the depths of old Stephen King movies.
Knowing that he had not only awakened me with his Santa impersonation, but had terrorized me with the stench that could only be produced in the bowels of a cat’s internal shit factory, he gave his paw a quick swipe with his tongue, stood up, stretched and sauntered out of the room, secure in the knowledge that I, his lowly human slave, would dispose of said shit and the accompanying foul smell.
Having done my duty as the servant of all things feline, I headed back to my pallet to catch some sleep.
Yeah, right, sleep, that’s what I would catch. Between the lingering sulfur scent of the nightly deposit and the symphony of grunts, growls and whistles that escaped the little ball of attitude under the blanket, I knew sleep was a far off goal that would not be reached so quickly.
The grey reincarnation of Baby Face Nelson, sat staring into space, the end of his short, fat tail twitching like a crack addict going through withdrawal. Across the room lay his intended victim, sleeping peacefully and totally unaware of the attack that was approaching. With a leap that would have done an Olympic athlete proud, the grey striped demon launched himself with the precision of an armed missile. Screeching and fur flying ensued. Screams like tortured metal filled the air as the two felines tumbled and rolled across the floor.
It was too much! Armed with a spray bottle and a rolled up newspaper I began to extract the vengeful punishment upon the two hate filled creatures. The mayhem proceeded as the three of us ran, jumped and screeched around the house. The end result was the yellow kitten hid behind the couch while the grey demon ran with the speed of the guilty to the bedroom of his mistress where he was sure to receive love and pity from his still half asleep mistress.
Sleep had fled on the wings of feline destruction. I stumbled into the kitchen and reheated a cup of coffee left over from the night before no sense in wasting good coffee and it had been good, now it was strong, thick and black, just what I needed after the chaos of the morning.
Now I am sitting here, sipping on my first cup of fresh coffee, plotting my revenge for being assaulted in so many ways before the sun had risen. My heart is still thudding a little after the early morning turmoil that our own personal Santa Claws had caused.
Maybe later, while he is sleeping off the after effects of his morning war effort, I will jingle his bells!!
I spring to my feet only to see……..Judy’s cat had once again taken off his collar and was batting it, bell and all, around the floor. So much for jingle bells, so much for Santa deciding to show up early…..or at all. I swear to you this stinking cat (literally, but more on that later) picked up his collar, bell and all, shook his head and leapt over the back of the couch.
I continued to hear the tinkle, tinkle of the bell for a few minutes, then……silence. Until……..
A snort, long and drawn out, erupted from beneath the covers, deep and full bodied, it washed over me like an ocean wave, growing in tone and volume only to fade away into nothing. Sitting there I watched as the blanket rose slightly and this sound, deep and raspy, almost a growl, grew in volume and tone once again until it crested into a long, drawn out, rumbling like a small locomotive laboring uphill. It began tapering off, diminishing to a soft growl only to once again grow and blossom into an indescribable racket. I began to wonder if I had awakened on the set of a new Stephen King cemetery movie.
Then from the other room a sound akin to thunder assaulted me, rhythmic and loud, it sounded almost like the Tell-tale Heart was attempting to give away my murderous thoughts. Thump, thump, thump, thump…..all accompanied with a rumble that would put to shame any echo of thunder across the hills.
Suddenly the smell hit me. Clawing up my sinus cavities only to slam into my brain with a force that caused my stomach to clinch and my teeth to grit. Even the noise from the couch, which could only be described as the death throes of a large, overweight elephant with asthma, faltered and then dwindled to a stop. Four pounds of wrinkled skin wrapped around a fifty pound attitude that had been producing those sounds had awaken. A small, round, fur covered head poked out from under the covers, big black eyes squinting and unfocused, to sniff once, twice then the little square nose crinkled and a puff of air escaped indicating that there was nothing of interest laying outside the nice, warm blankets. As suddenly as it appeared, the little red head was gone, disappearing back into the dark land of sleep and comfort that lay under the nice warm blankets.
Once again sounds that should only be made by a three hundred pound man with a deviated septum began to echo through the room. I sat there, amazed and disgusted as the smell continued to assault me. Although the little red dog didn't seem to think it was so bad, it wasn't diminishing and my eyes had begun to water as my stomach rolled, threatening to add it’s own odor to the noxious fumes flooding the house.
It wasn't a difficult job to follow the stench to the source. I knew what it was, there was only one thing on the face of the earth that smelled that bad………cat shit. Yup, no doubt about it, the big, grey cat had once again made a night deposit and failed to properly seal it away in the box of magic sand. Quaking with a combination of fear and dread, I approached the large, spoiled feline with trepidation. He stared directly into my eyes as he reached out one large, round paw to scratch at the metal filing cabinet and produce the rhythmic rumble that had sent my mind to the depths of old Stephen King movies.
Knowing that he had not only awakened me with his Santa impersonation, but had terrorized me with the stench that could only be produced in the bowels of a cat’s internal shit factory, he gave his paw a quick swipe with his tongue, stood up, stretched and sauntered out of the room, secure in the knowledge that I, his lowly human slave, would dispose of said shit and the accompanying foul smell.
Having done my duty as the servant of all things feline, I headed back to my pallet to catch some sleep.
Yeah, right, sleep, that’s what I would catch. Between the lingering sulfur scent of the nightly deposit and the symphony of grunts, growls and whistles that escaped the little ball of attitude under the blanket, I knew sleep was a far off goal that would not be reached so quickly.
The grey reincarnation of Baby Face Nelson, sat staring into space, the end of his short, fat tail twitching like a crack addict going through withdrawal. Across the room lay his intended victim, sleeping peacefully and totally unaware of the attack that was approaching. With a leap that would have done an Olympic athlete proud, the grey striped demon launched himself with the precision of an armed missile. Screeching and fur flying ensued. Screams like tortured metal filled the air as the two felines tumbled and rolled across the floor.
It was too much! Armed with a spray bottle and a rolled up newspaper I began to extract the vengeful punishment upon the two hate filled creatures. The mayhem proceeded as the three of us ran, jumped and screeched around the house. The end result was the yellow kitten hid behind the couch while the grey demon ran with the speed of the guilty to the bedroom of his mistress where he was sure to receive love and pity from his still half asleep mistress.
Sleep had fled on the wings of feline destruction. I stumbled into the kitchen and reheated a cup of coffee left over from the night before no sense in wasting good coffee and it had been good, now it was strong, thick and black, just what I needed after the chaos of the morning.
Now I am sitting here, sipping on my first cup of fresh coffee, plotting my revenge for being assaulted in so many ways before the sun had risen. My heart is still thudding a little after the early morning turmoil that our own personal Santa Claws had caused.
Maybe later, while he is sleeping off the after effects of his morning war effort, I will jingle his bells!!
Monday, December 22, 2014
Nollaig Shona Duit
In case you’re wondering about the title, it’s Gaelic for Happy Christmas to you. Irish Gaelic that is. I hope I’ve spelled it correctly, I never could spell it correctly, or even say it! There isn’t much Gaelic spoken here, as a matter of a fact I believe I’ve only ever heard it in person once in my entire lifetime. It’s a complicated and, to me, a beautiful language.
So, Ireland, the homeland of many,many American Citizens. There are a bunch of us that can trace our roots back to the green fields of Ireland. Of course, most of us would have to trace those roots back to about a dozen or so other countries as well. America is and has been the true melting pot of genetics.
If you’re wondering why I’m rambling on about this, it’s simple. I’ve been sitting here thinking about all the things we did to celebrate the Christmas Holidays when I was a child. Having had the childhood I did, I was exposed to different celebrations and rituals. Yes, rituals. You see, I was bounced around a lot growing up and I had the pleasure, although it didn’t seem like pleasure then, of experiencing the Holidays in many different places. My family, whom I have always lived with, was extensive and varied. We have Irish, German, Cherokee and Shoshone, as well as Welch and English, in our heritage. There is even a little bit of other stuff that we’re not real sure of, although I am going to do the DNA project so we will know soon enough!
Some of the things we did included having “Little Christmas” which has its basis in the Catholic religion. It seems funny to me now because I grew up hearing that Catholics weren't Christians even though I attended Catholic schools. Yup, paradox. Anyway, Little Christmas is actually Epiphany whish is January 6th. Since my sister was born on January 7th, we usually celebrated it that day with gifts for her and small gifts for everyone else. Little Christmas was when we usually got the one thing we wanted most, instead of getting it on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. I didn't get to celebrate a lot of Christmas’s with my parents and sister, so I didn't get to do the Little Christmas thing often. Although one rememberable time was when I received a 10 speed bike I had wanted forever!
We also did things like put a lit candle in the window on Christmas Eve and let it burn all night. It was to “light the way” for Mary and Joseph. Something that always confused me was WHY we had to light the way for people from thousands of years ago. Of course I've always been a heathen, so no one was surprised when I asked that very question.
We usually had caraway cake and fruitcake with delicious icing on it. We also had a huge dinner with lots of traditional foods, including turkey, ham, potatoes of every imaginable type, sometimes goose or pheasant. It was the best dinner of all the dinners of the year!!
When I got to do Christmas with the other side of the family things were a little different. Frohe Weihnachten were the words for Happy Christmas there. We would bake spice cookies, stolen and of course the ever loved Anise cakes and cookies. We would do gingerbread houses and have lavish trees, Der Tannanbaum, were adorned with every imaginable type of decoration. There was always an Advent calendar or wreath at that Grandma’s house, she called the wreath Der Adventskranz, and she would bake and bake and bake for us. There was little gifts that were given throughout the month and that Jolly Old Elf was displayed dressed in everything from flowing green robes to white robes with wings and Nutcrackers of every size and shape were shown off. Stille Nacht was sang loudly and often while we roasted chestnuts and and drank spiced cider, usually after having serenaded the neighbors with more carols than they wanted to hear. There wasn't as much emphasis on the Christian part of the season, it was more on the parties and dancing, singing and cooking. It was the lively side! They would drink and fight and dance and love, they would give of themselves with unabashed relish for life! The German side was the side that you either loved or hated, but either way, you were involved! We always opened our gifts on Christmas Eve and slept in on Christmas Day. For Christmas dinner we would have apple and sausage stuffing, which was my favorite, ham, potato dumplings, cooked cabbage with either apples or sausage and more desserts than you could ever dream of eating. I loved the years we got Weiner Schnitzel as well, I've always loved veal!
Both sides of the family would have a Yule log when I was younger. As they, and I, grew older that tradition ended, although I’ve never known why. We would save a piece of the log for the next year, insuring prosperity throughout the entire time. We also had holly and evergreens, as well as some type of Christmas village or Nativity. We also had the Celebration of Lights, which, although different from one side of the family to the other, included singing and a crown of lights worn by one special person. Almond cookies were a favorite by both sides of the family.
There were little things that confused me, like putting a saucer of milk out for the “wee ones” or opening the window on Christmas Eve. But it was part and parcel of the entire thing and excited the younger version of me as much as any gift or bright tree. My Southern side always lit a candle on the night of Solstice and we were ushered to bed with the words, Dream Well. Solstice was a time of quiet and introspection, although as I child I didn’t understand that. We would get a few stories about things that happened in the night if we dared to creep out, but other than that, it was no big deal.
On Christmas day with the Southern side, we would attend church, sometimes we would go to Midnight services the night before. It was a different sort of meeting than I was used to down there, instead of the foot stomping, shouting and singing that we usually imbibed in this service was more sedate and almost reverent. It was almost difficult to stay awake for it, although if I dared drift off I would get a sharp elbow to the ribs.
The Northern side didn't do the Church thing too much. But sometimes at Christmas my Grandma would sneak me out and we would attend Mass, which seemed funny to me, but only because the others in the family didn't go. I enjoyed it though and, because I did attend Catholic school for a while, I understood most of what was taking place. My Mother would have had a fit if she had known, but she never found out.
One thing that did strike me as odd was that neither side did anything special that could be traced back to their Native and/or Slave ancestors. I didn't understand that until I was much older, of course by then most of the elders were gone and it was up to us to carry on. Now I realize that there weren't any traditions from those two branches of the family because they adapted the German and Irish ways and churned it all together to produce the amazing Christmas Holidays of my childhood!
Merry Christmas y’all!
So, Ireland, the homeland of many,many American Citizens. There are a bunch of us that can trace our roots back to the green fields of Ireland. Of course, most of us would have to trace those roots back to about a dozen or so other countries as well. America is and has been the true melting pot of genetics.
If you’re wondering why I’m rambling on about this, it’s simple. I’ve been sitting here thinking about all the things we did to celebrate the Christmas Holidays when I was a child. Having had the childhood I did, I was exposed to different celebrations and rituals. Yes, rituals. You see, I was bounced around a lot growing up and I had the pleasure, although it didn’t seem like pleasure then, of experiencing the Holidays in many different places. My family, whom I have always lived with, was extensive and varied. We have Irish, German, Cherokee and Shoshone, as well as Welch and English, in our heritage. There is even a little bit of other stuff that we’re not real sure of, although I am going to do the DNA project so we will know soon enough!
Some of the things we did included having “Little Christmas” which has its basis in the Catholic religion. It seems funny to me now because I grew up hearing that Catholics weren't Christians even though I attended Catholic schools. Yup, paradox. Anyway, Little Christmas is actually Epiphany whish is January 6th. Since my sister was born on January 7th, we usually celebrated it that day with gifts for her and small gifts for everyone else. Little Christmas was when we usually got the one thing we wanted most, instead of getting it on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. I didn't get to celebrate a lot of Christmas’s with my parents and sister, so I didn't get to do the Little Christmas thing often. Although one rememberable time was when I received a 10 speed bike I had wanted forever!
We also did things like put a lit candle in the window on Christmas Eve and let it burn all night. It was to “light the way” for Mary and Joseph. Something that always confused me was WHY we had to light the way for people from thousands of years ago. Of course I've always been a heathen, so no one was surprised when I asked that very question.
We usually had caraway cake and fruitcake with delicious icing on it. We also had a huge dinner with lots of traditional foods, including turkey, ham, potatoes of every imaginable type, sometimes goose or pheasant. It was the best dinner of all the dinners of the year!!
When I got to do Christmas with the other side of the family things were a little different. Frohe Weihnachten were the words for Happy Christmas there. We would bake spice cookies, stolen and of course the ever loved Anise cakes and cookies. We would do gingerbread houses and have lavish trees, Der Tannanbaum, were adorned with every imaginable type of decoration. There was always an Advent calendar or wreath at that Grandma’s house, she called the wreath Der Adventskranz, and she would bake and bake and bake for us. There was little gifts that were given throughout the month and that Jolly Old Elf was displayed dressed in everything from flowing green robes to white robes with wings and Nutcrackers of every size and shape were shown off. Stille Nacht was sang loudly and often while we roasted chestnuts and and drank spiced cider, usually after having serenaded the neighbors with more carols than they wanted to hear. There wasn't as much emphasis on the Christian part of the season, it was more on the parties and dancing, singing and cooking. It was the lively side! They would drink and fight and dance and love, they would give of themselves with unabashed relish for life! The German side was the side that you either loved or hated, but either way, you were involved! We always opened our gifts on Christmas Eve and slept in on Christmas Day. For Christmas dinner we would have apple and sausage stuffing, which was my favorite, ham, potato dumplings, cooked cabbage with either apples or sausage and more desserts than you could ever dream of eating. I loved the years we got Weiner Schnitzel as well, I've always loved veal!
Both sides of the family would have a Yule log when I was younger. As they, and I, grew older that tradition ended, although I’ve never known why. We would save a piece of the log for the next year, insuring prosperity throughout the entire time. We also had holly and evergreens, as well as some type of Christmas village or Nativity. We also had the Celebration of Lights, which, although different from one side of the family to the other, included singing and a crown of lights worn by one special person. Almond cookies were a favorite by both sides of the family.
There were little things that confused me, like putting a saucer of milk out for the “wee ones” or opening the window on Christmas Eve. But it was part and parcel of the entire thing and excited the younger version of me as much as any gift or bright tree. My Southern side always lit a candle on the night of Solstice and we were ushered to bed with the words, Dream Well. Solstice was a time of quiet and introspection, although as I child I didn’t understand that. We would get a few stories about things that happened in the night if we dared to creep out, but other than that, it was no big deal.
On Christmas day with the Southern side, we would attend church, sometimes we would go to Midnight services the night before. It was a different sort of meeting than I was used to down there, instead of the foot stomping, shouting and singing that we usually imbibed in this service was more sedate and almost reverent. It was almost difficult to stay awake for it, although if I dared drift off I would get a sharp elbow to the ribs.
The Northern side didn't do the Church thing too much. But sometimes at Christmas my Grandma would sneak me out and we would attend Mass, which seemed funny to me, but only because the others in the family didn't go. I enjoyed it though and, because I did attend Catholic school for a while, I understood most of what was taking place. My Mother would have had a fit if she had known, but she never found out.
One thing that did strike me as odd was that neither side did anything special that could be traced back to their Native and/or Slave ancestors. I didn't understand that until I was much older, of course by then most of the elders were gone and it was up to us to carry on. Now I realize that there weren't any traditions from those two branches of the family because they adapted the German and Irish ways and churned it all together to produce the amazing Christmas Holidays of my childhood!
Merry Christmas y’all!
December 22…
Today is the 356th day of the year, with only nine days left until we usher in 2015.
A bunch of shit has happened on this day in history, but that is true of every single day of the year. We humans have been around too long for there NOT to have been some serious shit happening every single day!
On this day in the year 69, yup you heard me correctly 69, Emperor Vitellius was dragged out of hiding, chased up some steps and basically turned into mince-meat. His killers cut off his head and paraded it around the streets of Rome!! Yup, how’s that for a good old Santurnalia decoration?? Of course, the Romans were so pissed off they couldn’t stop at simply killing the Emperor, they also did away with his son and his brother, and probably any and all male slaves, pets, livestock etc.
Good old Vitellius wasn’t some soft, sissified little Emperor. At least not at first. Oh no, he was a hard ass. He had been one of only two Consuls in the year 48, which basically means that he was a big shot during peace times and an extremely powerful military power during wartime. The “Consuls” were the HIGHEST office in the Republic, answerable ONLY to the Emperor and no one else. Of course it was also an appointed office and it was only for a year, but still, it made you a hot shot for the rest of your life.
If that weren’t enough to get good old Vitellius in the limelight, in either the year 60 or the year 61 (historians can’t seem to get their shit together on this one) he was assigned Proconsul to Africa!! Which means he left Rome, went to Africa and ruled in the place of the Roman Emperor for a year or so and then came home, with no one dying, no one running off, etc. He was basically the African Governor and they seemed to have liked and respected him.
After being a good Roman leader for all those years, someone had the great idea of selecting him to command the army of Germania Inferior, basically all of countries that surround the Mediterranean Sea. Yup, he was in charge of the largest Roman army that was in existence at the time!! And you know what, they really, really, really liked him!! He seemed like a good old boy to them, but of course you can’t be a good old boy and maintain order and discipline! Nope, you’ve got to give orders, not suggestions!
Anyway, the soldiers liked him so well they proclaimed him Emperor of the armies of Germania Inferior and Superior! Yup, the army decided he should be emperor! But then again, the transfer of power in Rome was never an easy thing, people HAD to die, and people did die!
Once he became the ultimate power in the world, his loyal followers found out he wasn’t what they had thought he was. He became, by all accounts, lazy, self-indulgent and so fond of eating and drinking that he grew to be morbidly obese. He’d even go so far as sent the Roman navy off to find rare foods he had heard about so he could eat himself into a stupor! All the while he was starving his own Mother to death!! Yup, he ate like a pig and the woman that gave birth to him had not a single morsel to eat.
For all of his laziness, he did manage, probably by accident, to do two important things that outlasted him. He put an end to the practice of Centurions selling furloughs and exemptions of duty to their men, something that was said “all good emperors” would (and did) do. And he also expanded the offices of Imperial Administration beyond the imperial pool of Freedmen so the lower class aristocrats could take up positions in the Imperial Civil Service. As a side note he also outlawed all astrologers from the entirety of Rome and Italy, and would execute any he came across. Yup, he definitely didn’t know what the stars held for his future. Good thing too!!
The armies of the East didn’t like the way this fat, lazy man was running the “known” world, so they deserted him and held up their own person for the title of Emperor, Titus Flavius Vespasianus, who by the way, established an dynasty that ruled the Empire for twenty seven years!! Yup, Flavius was the shit!!
Anyway, back to Vitellius. This fat coward decided he didn’t want to die, but then again, who wouldn’t, and tried to resign from office. The terms of resignation were drawn up, but some people weren’t happy about it and forced the fat man back to the palace to return the insignia of empire. Then he went and hid!! Yup, he hid like a frightened little rabbit. Didn’t do him any good though, nope, nope,nope!
Once the troops marched into Rome they searched him out, dragged him into the street and chased him to the Gemonian stairs, a dishonorable place to die. These stairs were the usual place of execution, and the bodies were using left to rot, not to mention be savaged by dogs and other carrion animals, in the full view of the entire Forum then thrown into the Tiber. Yup, it was a disreputable place to die! Especially if you were dragged out of hiding and chased like a dog only to be strangled and stabbed here!
That’s when they beheaded him and carried his head around town!! What a great way to celebrate a winter holiday!! Those Romans always went above and beyond, didn’t they??
Anyway, unlike poor Vitellius, we have nine more days to a New Year! Hopefully 2015 won’t involve being chased up some steps only to meet an untimely end!!
I think I’ll take the elevator from now on myself!!
A bunch of shit has happened on this day in history, but that is true of every single day of the year. We humans have been around too long for there NOT to have been some serious shit happening every single day!
On this day in the year 69, yup you heard me correctly 69, Emperor Vitellius was dragged out of hiding, chased up some steps and basically turned into mince-meat. His killers cut off his head and paraded it around the streets of Rome!! Yup, how’s that for a good old Santurnalia decoration?? Of course, the Romans were so pissed off they couldn’t stop at simply killing the Emperor, they also did away with his son and his brother, and probably any and all male slaves, pets, livestock etc.
Good old Vitellius wasn’t some soft, sissified little Emperor. At least not at first. Oh no, he was a hard ass. He had been one of only two Consuls in the year 48, which basically means that he was a big shot during peace times and an extremely powerful military power during wartime. The “Consuls” were the HIGHEST office in the Republic, answerable ONLY to the Emperor and no one else. Of course it was also an appointed office and it was only for a year, but still, it made you a hot shot for the rest of your life.
If that weren’t enough to get good old Vitellius in the limelight, in either the year 60 or the year 61 (historians can’t seem to get their shit together on this one) he was assigned Proconsul to Africa!! Which means he left Rome, went to Africa and ruled in the place of the Roman Emperor for a year or so and then came home, with no one dying, no one running off, etc. He was basically the African Governor and they seemed to have liked and respected him.
After being a good Roman leader for all those years, someone had the great idea of selecting him to command the army of Germania Inferior, basically all of countries that surround the Mediterranean Sea. Yup, he was in charge of the largest Roman army that was in existence at the time!! And you know what, they really, really, really liked him!! He seemed like a good old boy to them, but of course you can’t be a good old boy and maintain order and discipline! Nope, you’ve got to give orders, not suggestions!
Anyway, the soldiers liked him so well they proclaimed him Emperor of the armies of Germania Inferior and Superior! Yup, the army decided he should be emperor! But then again, the transfer of power in Rome was never an easy thing, people HAD to die, and people did die!
Once he became the ultimate power in the world, his loyal followers found out he wasn’t what they had thought he was. He became, by all accounts, lazy, self-indulgent and so fond of eating and drinking that he grew to be morbidly obese. He’d even go so far as sent the Roman navy off to find rare foods he had heard about so he could eat himself into a stupor! All the while he was starving his own Mother to death!! Yup, he ate like a pig and the woman that gave birth to him had not a single morsel to eat.
For all of his laziness, he did manage, probably by accident, to do two important things that outlasted him. He put an end to the practice of Centurions selling furloughs and exemptions of duty to their men, something that was said “all good emperors” would (and did) do. And he also expanded the offices of Imperial Administration beyond the imperial pool of Freedmen so the lower class aristocrats could take up positions in the Imperial Civil Service. As a side note he also outlawed all astrologers from the entirety of Rome and Italy, and would execute any he came across. Yup, he definitely didn’t know what the stars held for his future. Good thing too!!
The armies of the East didn’t like the way this fat, lazy man was running the “known” world, so they deserted him and held up their own person for the title of Emperor, Titus Flavius Vespasianus, who by the way, established an dynasty that ruled the Empire for twenty seven years!! Yup, Flavius was the shit!!
Anyway, back to Vitellius. This fat coward decided he didn’t want to die, but then again, who wouldn’t, and tried to resign from office. The terms of resignation were drawn up, but some people weren’t happy about it and forced the fat man back to the palace to return the insignia of empire. Then he went and hid!! Yup, he hid like a frightened little rabbit. Didn’t do him any good though, nope, nope,nope!
Once the troops marched into Rome they searched him out, dragged him into the street and chased him to the Gemonian stairs, a dishonorable place to die. These stairs were the usual place of execution, and the bodies were using left to rot, not to mention be savaged by dogs and other carrion animals, in the full view of the entire Forum then thrown into the Tiber. Yup, it was a disreputable place to die! Especially if you were dragged out of hiding and chased like a dog only to be strangled and stabbed here!
That’s when they beheaded him and carried his head around town!! What a great way to celebrate a winter holiday!! Those Romans always went above and beyond, didn’t they??
Anyway, unlike poor Vitellius, we have nine more days to a New Year! Hopefully 2015 won’t involve being chased up some steps only to meet an untimely end!!
I think I’ll take the elevator from now on myself!!
Sunday, December 21, 2014
Longest night
Imagine, it's cold, so very, very cold that the animals have all hidden away in their dens. The grass and plants are hidden under a deep blanket of snow and ice, and the rivers and springs have frozen solid.
You wake up at the usual time, your survival depends on your internal clock and it tells you that it is morning. Outside it is still dark, there is no sound, there is no movement, only pitch black darkness that seems endless. All around you your friends and relatives are sitting quietly, almost as if they are frightened of breaking the profound silence.
As you wait for the sun to peek over the hill, you are frightened by a sound far off to the west. Almost a scream combined with a rasping hiss, the sound echoes around you causing the women to hold their children a little closer, the elders to wrap their blankets a little tighter to their trembling shoulders. It is the Wendigo, circling the village in search of one unlucky enough to be outside on this, the longest night of the year. Surely the sun will return, frightening away the evil spirits of the cold, dark night.
Slowly the sky begins to lighten and the horrible hiss fades away. Venturing outside in the early dawn, your eyes fall upon the bloody footprints that circle the entire village. The return of Grandfather Sun has once again saved your loved ones from certain death.
Stories like this one that relay a fear of the cold and dark, were repeated across the world. Perhaps it wasn't a creature of cold, perhaps it was a jaguar of enormous size, or a crocodile that could swallow a man whole. Whatever the main character, the story line always included fear, not of the dark, but of what resided in the dark.
For the Northern Hemisphere, Winter Solstice was, and is, a reassurance that the Sun, with his life giving heat and light, was returning to smile upon his children again. Even though we, the modern world, realize that Solstice is actually the first day of winter, for the Native peoples worldwide shortest day was, and is, a time for celebration.
Although tonight would be long, tomorrow would possess a little more light. This is a time of promise, or renewal.
And so it is today. We know that tomorrow will be a little brighter, and tomorrow night a little shorter. Of course we know now that it is simply because of the tilting of the Earth on its axis as it spins in space. The sun hasn't gone anywhere so it cannot return. It is simply the way things are set up in this great, big universe.
Of course, knowing all of that doesn't really make a difference. It doesn't take the magic out of this time of year, it doesn't make the day any longer or the night any shorter. We are still filled with a sense of anticipation that although Winter is just beginning, the days ARE longer, there IS more light. We are heading toward Spring and the time of planting.
This feeling of anticipation is ingrained into our very souls. Our bodies just KNOW. Now, you could say it has to do with the gravitational pull or the lack of sunlight or even the fact that the calender says the New Year is just around the corner. But in your soul, you know better.
This is a time of celebration, and a time for dreaming. It is when our bodies and souls prepare themselves for the Winter that is still here and the Spring that is approaching so quickly.
So, whether you say it is Grandfather Sun, or the Holly King your soul knows this is the time of renewal.
Tonight, when you lay down to sleep, allow your soul to dream. Allow the future to dance though your mind, with the visions and promises of a new day at the end of a long, cold night.
Blessed Solstice everyone.
You wake up at the usual time, your survival depends on your internal clock and it tells you that it is morning. Outside it is still dark, there is no sound, there is no movement, only pitch black darkness that seems endless. All around you your friends and relatives are sitting quietly, almost as if they are frightened of breaking the profound silence.
As you wait for the sun to peek over the hill, you are frightened by a sound far off to the west. Almost a scream combined with a rasping hiss, the sound echoes around you causing the women to hold their children a little closer, the elders to wrap their blankets a little tighter to their trembling shoulders. It is the Wendigo, circling the village in search of one unlucky enough to be outside on this, the longest night of the year. Surely the sun will return, frightening away the evil spirits of the cold, dark night.
Slowly the sky begins to lighten and the horrible hiss fades away. Venturing outside in the early dawn, your eyes fall upon the bloody footprints that circle the entire village. The return of Grandfather Sun has once again saved your loved ones from certain death.
Stories like this one that relay a fear of the cold and dark, were repeated across the world. Perhaps it wasn't a creature of cold, perhaps it was a jaguar of enormous size, or a crocodile that could swallow a man whole. Whatever the main character, the story line always included fear, not of the dark, but of what resided in the dark.
For the Northern Hemisphere, Winter Solstice was, and is, a reassurance that the Sun, with his life giving heat and light, was returning to smile upon his children again. Even though we, the modern world, realize that Solstice is actually the first day of winter, for the Native peoples worldwide shortest day was, and is, a time for celebration.
Although tonight would be long, tomorrow would possess a little more light. This is a time of promise, or renewal.
And so it is today. We know that tomorrow will be a little brighter, and tomorrow night a little shorter. Of course we know now that it is simply because of the tilting of the Earth on its axis as it spins in space. The sun hasn't gone anywhere so it cannot return. It is simply the way things are set up in this great, big universe.
Of course, knowing all of that doesn't really make a difference. It doesn't take the magic out of this time of year, it doesn't make the day any longer or the night any shorter. We are still filled with a sense of anticipation that although Winter is just beginning, the days ARE longer, there IS more light. We are heading toward Spring and the time of planting.
This feeling of anticipation is ingrained into our very souls. Our bodies just KNOW. Now, you could say it has to do with the gravitational pull or the lack of sunlight or even the fact that the calender says the New Year is just around the corner. But in your soul, you know better.
This is a time of celebration, and a time for dreaming. It is when our bodies and souls prepare themselves for the Winter that is still here and the Spring that is approaching so quickly.
So, whether you say it is Grandfather Sun, or the Holly King your soul knows this is the time of renewal.
Tonight, when you lay down to sleep, allow your soul to dream. Allow the future to dance though your mind, with the visions and promises of a new day at the end of a long, cold night.
Blessed Solstice everyone.
Saturday, December 20, 2014
Scientifically love is insanity!!
At any given point in time, the creatures we refer to as human beings can, and do, cycle through dozens of emotions ranging from intense desire to dark, over whelming anger. It's amazing!! We are so complex and diverse.
Take, for instance, an intelligent woman who is suffering (yes, that IS the correct term) from the first bloom of NEW LOVE. This woman was, until recently, a driven, single minded person who was focused on creating the life she has always wanted. She has been to the depths of hell in previous situations, she has suffered and she has come back all the stronger for it. She is WOMAN, hear her ROAR!!
Then, out of the blue, Cupid, the diaper wearing little demon, decides to shoot this wonderful, independent woman in the ass with one of his little poison darts of chaos! Cupid decides that this woman would be better off if she were suffering from the insanity that is NEW LOVE.
So with the twang of a bow string, he sets into motion a complex and confusing array of emotions. This once intelligent, respected, driven woman becomes, in a matter of days, a starry eyed school girl who has forgotten the battles she has waged in order to become an independent woman.
Her heart races, her palms sweat, she is restless and totally obsessed with this one man, this one beautiful, loving, devoted man. You watch her and you see the same signs and symptoms of addiction you would witness if you were watching a drug addict!
She, like a druggie, ignores her responsibilities, doesn't have time to spend with friends/family, can't concentrate on anything, anyone, other than that one wonderful man. She spends her every waking moment thinking about him, being with him or making plans to be with him. She is obsessed to the point of distraction. All because a little arrow shooting psychopath decided to screw with her life!!
The illusion of Cupid shooting an arrow at a person and causing them to fall in love (have you ever noticed we call it FALL in love, there is a reason for that you know!) and forget who they are is actually a good one. Blaming it on outside influences is valid, especially when you consider what takes place in a human body during the first days of a new love.
Humans, particularly women, release an overabundance of chemicals when they first fall in love. These chemicals are addictive and can be destructive.
So here is the explanation for our behaviors when that psycho Cupid uses our asses for his poison dart practice.
First there is the LUST phase of love. During this time, when we want to tear each other's clothes off and go at it like addled teenage rabbits, our bodies are releasing testosterone and estrogen. This happens to men and women both. These two hormones should be called WHOREMOANS because they are essentially the street walkers of body chemistry! They have so many responsibilities in the bodies, yet all they can think of is humping like rabbits!!
Once these streetwalker hormones have us hooked on the amazing feelings we get at this point in the "relationship" our bodies decide to move on to Phase TWO of this heinous plan of Cupid's!
Phase two involves four main neurotransmitters called adrenaline, cortisol, dopamine and serotonin. This lovely little chemical cocktail causes us to basically act like obsessed idiots with no clue of what may happen next.
You see, it's like this, first falling in love activates our stress hormones adrenaline and cortisol. This little mixture is responsible for the pitter-pat of our hearts, the sweat that soaks our palms and the flush that colors our cheeks whenever we are in proximity of our love. Keep in mind that adrenaline is also what enables a mother to lift a car from her trapped child or the 90 lb weakling to kick the ass of the big, bad bully! It increases your breathing and your heart rate, sometimes to disastrous levels! Cortisol treats skin rashes and allergic reactions, it can (and does) also lead to depression, heart disease and high blood sugar. Hmmmmm, sounds like a killer combination doesn't it? Awwww, love.......
Dopamine, that lovely little neurotransmitter, stimulates the "desire and reward" part of our brains. It causes those afflicted with the love bug to have less need for sleep or food, increased energy, focused attention (think obsessed) and a rush of exquisite delight in the smallest details of our newly hatched relationship. Dopamine has the same effect on the brain as snorting the best cocaine you can find!! Sounds fun, don't it?!?!
Then there is Serotonin. Awwww, little Serotonin! Here is the chemical that is responsible for the temporary insanity that is New Love. Yup, this little gem is the reason we can't focus on anything other than that perfect man we have so luckily found. This one causes us to become so single minded that we forget our friends and loved ones, as well as slack off at work, daydream during meetings and forget to close the front door of our apartment. Too much serotonin can cause everything from diarrhea to seizures and too little causes everything from depression and anxiety to irritability and rage. People who suffer with OCD have too little serotonin. That explains the obsession part of New Love, right?
Finally we have reached Phase Three of Falling in Love. In this phase we are releasing yet two more hormones, only these two little ditties are the ones responsible for wanting to stay "forever". You see, now that our bodies have us addicted to all those feel good hormones, now it wants us to stay right here and suffer for infinity!
Oxytocin one of the chemicals that is released during the human orgasm. It deepens the attraction and makes us feel more "connected" to the one we are with. It causes us to want to cuddle. It is also the hormone that causes a mother to form such a strong bond of attachment with the child she has given birth to.
Research has shown that if the production of oxytocin is blocked the mother will reject her young!! It's a strong little bugger. It has been known as the "trust hormone". Yup, that is a lot of responsibility to but on one little chemical compound!!
Vasopressin is also a sexually released hormone. Only this one is releases AFTER sex! It is an important hormone is long term commitment. This one, oddly, controls the kidneys not the heart! LOL Imagine that, the KIDNEYS!! Yup, those organs use the same hormones to produce urine that the mind uses to form emotional bonds! LOL Sorry, I just find that entirely too funny!! It would be even better if it was the hormone that controls the large intestines, but .....anyway.
So there you have it. A proven, scientific reason for the insanity of the previously mentioned woman. She has every reason to act like she does, it is beyond her control!! LOL
Cupid, that heinous little shit, dips his arrows not in poison but in a potentially deadly mixture of human hormones. He is not a sweet little diaper wearing cherub, but a mad scientist bent on the continuation of mankind.
There should be an bounty on his head!!
Take, for instance, an intelligent woman who is suffering (yes, that IS the correct term) from the first bloom of NEW LOVE. This woman was, until recently, a driven, single minded person who was focused on creating the life she has always wanted. She has been to the depths of hell in previous situations, she has suffered and she has come back all the stronger for it. She is WOMAN, hear her ROAR!!
Then, out of the blue, Cupid, the diaper wearing little demon, decides to shoot this wonderful, independent woman in the ass with one of his little poison darts of chaos! Cupid decides that this woman would be better off if she were suffering from the insanity that is NEW LOVE.
So with the twang of a bow string, he sets into motion a complex and confusing array of emotions. This once intelligent, respected, driven woman becomes, in a matter of days, a starry eyed school girl who has forgotten the battles she has waged in order to become an independent woman.
Her heart races, her palms sweat, she is restless and totally obsessed with this one man, this one beautiful, loving, devoted man. You watch her and you see the same signs and symptoms of addiction you would witness if you were watching a drug addict!
She, like a druggie, ignores her responsibilities, doesn't have time to spend with friends/family, can't concentrate on anything, anyone, other than that one wonderful man. She spends her every waking moment thinking about him, being with him or making plans to be with him. She is obsessed to the point of distraction. All because a little arrow shooting psychopath decided to screw with her life!!
The illusion of Cupid shooting an arrow at a person and causing them to fall in love (have you ever noticed we call it FALL in love, there is a reason for that you know!) and forget who they are is actually a good one. Blaming it on outside influences is valid, especially when you consider what takes place in a human body during the first days of a new love.
Humans, particularly women, release an overabundance of chemicals when they first fall in love. These chemicals are addictive and can be destructive.
So here is the explanation for our behaviors when that psycho Cupid uses our asses for his poison dart practice.
First there is the LUST phase of love. During this time, when we want to tear each other's clothes off and go at it like addled teenage rabbits, our bodies are releasing testosterone and estrogen. This happens to men and women both. These two hormones should be called WHOREMOANS because they are essentially the street walkers of body chemistry! They have so many responsibilities in the bodies, yet all they can think of is humping like rabbits!!
Once these streetwalker hormones have us hooked on the amazing feelings we get at this point in the "relationship" our bodies decide to move on to Phase TWO of this heinous plan of Cupid's!
Phase two involves four main neurotransmitters called adrenaline, cortisol, dopamine and serotonin. This lovely little chemical cocktail causes us to basically act like obsessed idiots with no clue of what may happen next.
You see, it's like this, first falling in love activates our stress hormones adrenaline and cortisol. This little mixture is responsible for the pitter-pat of our hearts, the sweat that soaks our palms and the flush that colors our cheeks whenever we are in proximity of our love. Keep in mind that adrenaline is also what enables a mother to lift a car from her trapped child or the 90 lb weakling to kick the ass of the big, bad bully! It increases your breathing and your heart rate, sometimes to disastrous levels! Cortisol treats skin rashes and allergic reactions, it can (and does) also lead to depression, heart disease and high blood sugar. Hmmmmm, sounds like a killer combination doesn't it? Awwww, love.......
Dopamine, that lovely little neurotransmitter, stimulates the "desire and reward" part of our brains. It causes those afflicted with the love bug to have less need for sleep or food, increased energy, focused attention (think obsessed) and a rush of exquisite delight in the smallest details of our newly hatched relationship. Dopamine has the same effect on the brain as snorting the best cocaine you can find!! Sounds fun, don't it?!?!
Then there is Serotonin. Awwww, little Serotonin! Here is the chemical that is responsible for the temporary insanity that is New Love. Yup, this little gem is the reason we can't focus on anything other than that perfect man we have so luckily found. This one causes us to become so single minded that we forget our friends and loved ones, as well as slack off at work, daydream during meetings and forget to close the front door of our apartment. Too much serotonin can cause everything from diarrhea to seizures and too little causes everything from depression and anxiety to irritability and rage. People who suffer with OCD have too little serotonin. That explains the obsession part of New Love, right?
Finally we have reached Phase Three of Falling in Love. In this phase we are releasing yet two more hormones, only these two little ditties are the ones responsible for wanting to stay "forever". You see, now that our bodies have us addicted to all those feel good hormones, now it wants us to stay right here and suffer for infinity!
Oxytocin one of the chemicals that is released during the human orgasm. It deepens the attraction and makes us feel more "connected" to the one we are with. It causes us to want to cuddle. It is also the hormone that causes a mother to form such a strong bond of attachment with the child she has given birth to.
Research has shown that if the production of oxytocin is blocked the mother will reject her young!! It's a strong little bugger. It has been known as the "trust hormone". Yup, that is a lot of responsibility to but on one little chemical compound!!
Vasopressin is also a sexually released hormone. Only this one is releases AFTER sex! It is an important hormone is long term commitment. This one, oddly, controls the kidneys not the heart! LOL Imagine that, the KIDNEYS!! Yup, those organs use the same hormones to produce urine that the mind uses to form emotional bonds! LOL Sorry, I just find that entirely too funny!! It would be even better if it was the hormone that controls the large intestines, but .....anyway.
So there you have it. A proven, scientific reason for the insanity of the previously mentioned woman. She has every reason to act like she does, it is beyond her control!! LOL
Cupid, that heinous little shit, dips his arrows not in poison but in a potentially deadly mixture of human hormones. He is not a sweet little diaper wearing cherub, but a mad scientist bent on the continuation of mankind.
There should be an bounty on his head!!
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
Birds, squirrels and sunrise
It's another cold rainy day in good ole WV. Still no snow in sight, although I'm not sure that's a bad thing......well, other than the mud that is.
Anyway, I've been up for hours and hours, literally. For some reason these stupid birds seem to think that it's time to SCREAM, yeah, scream NOT sing, at the exact moment the sun rises on the Atlantic Ocean!! It can be dark as the grave and they start with their morning ritual of noise.
I've always thought that birds sang, tweeted, whistled, whatever. I thought only large, condor types screeched, well them and owls. But no, I was sadly mistaken.
You see, J has six "cute" little birds. Three lovebirds, which AREN'T lovable, and three cockatiels, who are also NOT lovable. And very rarely do any of them actually sing!! Usually the sounds that issue from their mouths are a mixture of screeches, screams, loud hateful whistles and, rarely, a song that they repeat incessantly!
If you remember the movie One Million Years B.C. with Raquel Welch, well imagine the sound that the pterodactyl makes as she dives down to snatch Raquel and flies off to feed her to the chicks. Yeah, that sound it what usually wakes me up!
For some reason these birds seem to think they are some prehistoric dinosaur/flying lizard things that have to screech and scream the sun up! It's God-awful!
And, if the screeching wasn't bad enough, when they DO actually sing it's the same song, which is a mix-up of the Mayberry theme and Jingle Bells, over and over and over and......well, you get the idea! It's enough to make a normal person insane and, as we all know, I am far from normal!!
As if the inside birds weren't bad enough, the outside ones are just damn rude! We feed them on the back deck, every single day I put out seed for the birds and corn for the squirrels. Even in the summer we do this, although the damn things could find their own food. Anyway, we feed them.
If I'm not up and have birdseed out at the correct time the damn birds fly around front and eat the outside cat's food. We have the fattest birds ever, also the laziest cat seeing as how she will lay on the bench and watch the birds eat her food, never attempting to catch one of them. Then when they have emptied her bowl she will scream at me to fill it because she's starving, don't ya know. Yup, let the birds (cat food on the hoof) eat her food (lazy cat food off the hoof) and then scream because she can see the bottom of the bowl!! Why she doesn't eat the damn birds I'll never know, but that's the way it is.
Anyway, the birds fly around front and then, once they have had their cat food appetizer, they come back to the deck and peck on the window! Yup, the little assholes will KNOCK if I forget to feed them!!
But, they are not the only ones that will knock on the back door. Oh no, they learned that particular skill from the fat, spoiled rotten squirrels (think the size of a small dog) that live and breed behind the house. Yup, the rotten little bastards will sit on their asses and knock on the door while looking for me if they don't have a ready source of corn outside. The worst part is that J won't allow me to shoot and eat the little fat bastards!! (I firmly believe that if we fatten them up the least they can do is sacrifice a couple of their brethren to my frying pan!!)
The point I'm trying to make is that I can't sleep in. NOT AT ALL!! NEVER!!
Between pterodactyl sounding inside birds, cat food stealing outside birds, fat, lazy, starving outside cats, and fat-ass squirrels knocking on the back window, sleep is a distant memory!!
Maybe if the squirrels get big enough they will start eating the birds that eat the cat food that makes the cat scream!! Then I will only have to worry about getting in a head shot before the fat bastards come for me!!
Anyway, I've been up for hours and hours, literally. For some reason these stupid birds seem to think that it's time to SCREAM, yeah, scream NOT sing, at the exact moment the sun rises on the Atlantic Ocean!! It can be dark as the grave and they start with their morning ritual of noise.
I've always thought that birds sang, tweeted, whistled, whatever. I thought only large, condor types screeched, well them and owls. But no, I was sadly mistaken.
You see, J has six "cute" little birds. Three lovebirds, which AREN'T lovable, and three cockatiels, who are also NOT lovable. And very rarely do any of them actually sing!! Usually the sounds that issue from their mouths are a mixture of screeches, screams, loud hateful whistles and, rarely, a song that they repeat incessantly!
If you remember the movie One Million Years B.C. with Raquel Welch, well imagine the sound that the pterodactyl makes as she dives down to snatch Raquel and flies off to feed her to the chicks. Yeah, that sound it what usually wakes me up!
For some reason these birds seem to think they are some prehistoric dinosaur/flying lizard things that have to screech and scream the sun up! It's God-awful!
And, if the screeching wasn't bad enough, when they DO actually sing it's the same song, which is a mix-up of the Mayberry theme and Jingle Bells, over and over and over and......well, you get the idea! It's enough to make a normal person insane and, as we all know, I am far from normal!!
As if the inside birds weren't bad enough, the outside ones are just damn rude! We feed them on the back deck, every single day I put out seed for the birds and corn for the squirrels. Even in the summer we do this, although the damn things could find their own food. Anyway, we feed them.
If I'm not up and have birdseed out at the correct time the damn birds fly around front and eat the outside cat's food. We have the fattest birds ever, also the laziest cat seeing as how she will lay on the bench and watch the birds eat her food, never attempting to catch one of them. Then when they have emptied her bowl she will scream at me to fill it because she's starving, don't ya know. Yup, let the birds (cat food on the hoof) eat her food (lazy cat food off the hoof) and then scream because she can see the bottom of the bowl!! Why she doesn't eat the damn birds I'll never know, but that's the way it is.
Anyway, the birds fly around front and then, once they have had their cat food appetizer, they come back to the deck and peck on the window! Yup, the little assholes will KNOCK if I forget to feed them!!
But, they are not the only ones that will knock on the back door. Oh no, they learned that particular skill from the fat, spoiled rotten squirrels (think the size of a small dog) that live and breed behind the house. Yup, the rotten little bastards will sit on their asses and knock on the door while looking for me if they don't have a ready source of corn outside. The worst part is that J won't allow me to shoot and eat the little fat bastards!! (I firmly believe that if we fatten them up the least they can do is sacrifice a couple of their brethren to my frying pan!!)
The point I'm trying to make is that I can't sleep in. NOT AT ALL!! NEVER!!
Between pterodactyl sounding inside birds, cat food stealing outside birds, fat, lazy, starving outside cats, and fat-ass squirrels knocking on the back window, sleep is a distant memory!!
Maybe if the squirrels get big enough they will start eating the birds that eat the cat food that makes the cat scream!! Then I will only have to worry about getting in a head shot before the fat bastards come for me!!
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Christmas is coming......
So, here it is the 16th of December and we in West Virginia are faced with the normal weather related troubles.
For those of you that are not familiar with my blogs, and have not read about the amazing weather we here in God's Country have, let me enlighten you!
West Virginia has the usual Spring, Summer, Autumn and Winter, pretty much like anyone else in this part of the world. But, we are also blessed (yeah right) with THREE SUB-seasons!!
Yup, I just told you we have a total of SEVEN seasons here in West-by-God.
You see, when that dreaded Old Man Winter is making his way to us we have to suffer the indignities of PRE-Winter, or Post-Autumn if you will. That simply means that in December we will have temperatures ranging from below zero to 60 degrees.
Today is a fine example. Here we are, all dressed up (decorations) and waiting for the lovely white blanket of snow to grace our hills and valleys. Picture perfect Winter scenes dancing in our minds as we glob on the tinsel and hang the last light. It sounds, and should be, BEAUTIFUL!!!
Is it??
Nope, nope, nope!!
Instead of the beautiful, unblemished blanket of pure, clean, white snow, we have.....da, da, da,dummmmmm, BROWN!!
Yup, Winter MUD season is upon us!!
Instead of uniquely beautiful flakes of purest white drifting down from the sky like feathers fallen from angel wings, we have RAIN!! Yup, each and every drop is exactly the same, each one fat with potential to make our yard a sea of greasy, slimy, think brown muck!!
For some reason mud doesn't reflect the red, green and white of Christmas lights quite as well as snow would.
It's not near as fun to have a mudball fight in 40, snowball fights would be much better!!
Mud on the road is just as dangerous as snow, actually more so!!
I've yet to have a shirt/coat/gloves/shoes/pants ruined by being stained by snow!
Let me give you a few insights about West Virginia mud:
1. Get the visions of bikini clad women wrestling grabbing each other and rolling in a substance that looks like melted chocolate. This is NOT mud from any region of West Virginia! (And probably not from any region on earth, but hey, everyone believes what they see on Jerry Springer, right?) The composition of West Virginia mud is more along the lines of sand, clay, tiny gravel, heavy dose of slime and residual feces from various and sunder animals.
2. West Virginia mud is slimy, thick, heavy and clingy all at the same time! Yup, you will slip and fall (perhaps break something) in this stuff and when you try to stand up you will find that you are weighted down by 40+ pounds of clumpy, slimy, stiff, cold mud! Imagine becoming a Golem and attempting to run a 10K race!
3. West Virginia mud will stain ANYTHING!! Skin, clothing, shoes, metal, plastic, you name it and it will be stained. NOTHING will get this color off of or out off any material. If you stain your clothing just give up! Yup, your choices are, throw it away, wash it and then promptly mix clothing dye a sickening shade of shit brown and dye said article, tear it up and use it for rags. Whatever you do, do NOT be fooled into thinking OXYClean will remove the stain......this is the stuff God used to dye the fur of numerous animals during creation!!
4. No matter what you may think, no matter what previous experience you have had with mud, be prepared to be assaulted by a stench like none other if you are unlucky enough to fall down in this stuff. Yup, an odor akin to stagnant shit seems to explode from West Virginia mud anytime it is disturbed! Being pissed off about the smell and stomping across the muddy yard will only serve to stir up a stench the likes of which you will never forget!!
5. West Virginia mud is COLDER than snow! Yup, sounds crazy, but it's true! This brown crud is so cold that it leaves you not only stained a wonderful shade of shit brown, but when it is caked on it will give you a bone deep ache. It is cold! As in cold as the grave!! As a matter of a fact I'm pretty sure West Virginia mud holds the origins for that saying!
Anyway, I'm pretty sure you get the idea!
So, while the rest of the Northern Hemisphere celebrate the Winter Solstice, Christmas and all the other beautiful Winter Holidays wrapped in red, gold, silver, blue and green, West Virginia will once again celebrate this Holiday Season in the cold, depressing, drab brown of Winter Mud!
For those of you that are not familiar with my blogs, and have not read about the amazing weather we here in God's Country have, let me enlighten you!
West Virginia has the usual Spring, Summer, Autumn and Winter, pretty much like anyone else in this part of the world. But, we are also blessed (yeah right) with THREE SUB-seasons!!
Yup, I just told you we have a total of SEVEN seasons here in West-by-God.
You see, when that dreaded Old Man Winter is making his way to us we have to suffer the indignities of PRE-Winter, or Post-Autumn if you will. That simply means that in December we will have temperatures ranging from below zero to 60 degrees.
Today is a fine example. Here we are, all dressed up (decorations) and waiting for the lovely white blanket of snow to grace our hills and valleys. Picture perfect Winter scenes dancing in our minds as we glob on the tinsel and hang the last light. It sounds, and should be, BEAUTIFUL!!!
Is it??
Nope, nope, nope!!
Instead of the beautiful, unblemished blanket of pure, clean, white snow, we have.....da, da, da,dummmmmm, BROWN!!
Yup, Winter MUD season is upon us!!
Instead of uniquely beautiful flakes of purest white drifting down from the sky like feathers fallen from angel wings, we have RAIN!! Yup, each and every drop is exactly the same, each one fat with potential to make our yard a sea of greasy, slimy, think brown muck!!
For some reason mud doesn't reflect the red, green and white of Christmas lights quite as well as snow would.
It's not near as fun to have a mudball fight in 40, snowball fights would be much better!!
Mud on the road is just as dangerous as snow, actually more so!!
I've yet to have a shirt/coat/gloves/shoes/pants ruined by being stained by snow!
Let me give you a few insights about West Virginia mud:
1. Get the visions of bikini clad women wrestling grabbing each other and rolling in a substance that looks like melted chocolate. This is NOT mud from any region of West Virginia! (And probably not from any region on earth, but hey, everyone believes what they see on Jerry Springer, right?) The composition of West Virginia mud is more along the lines of sand, clay, tiny gravel, heavy dose of slime and residual feces from various and sunder animals.
2. West Virginia mud is slimy, thick, heavy and clingy all at the same time! Yup, you will slip and fall (perhaps break something) in this stuff and when you try to stand up you will find that you are weighted down by 40+ pounds of clumpy, slimy, stiff, cold mud! Imagine becoming a Golem and attempting to run a 10K race!
3. West Virginia mud will stain ANYTHING!! Skin, clothing, shoes, metal, plastic, you name it and it will be stained. NOTHING will get this color off of or out off any material. If you stain your clothing just give up! Yup, your choices are, throw it away, wash it and then promptly mix clothing dye a sickening shade of shit brown and dye said article, tear it up and use it for rags. Whatever you do, do NOT be fooled into thinking OXYClean will remove the stain......this is the stuff God used to dye the fur of numerous animals during creation!!
4. No matter what you may think, no matter what previous experience you have had with mud, be prepared to be assaulted by a stench like none other if you are unlucky enough to fall down in this stuff. Yup, an odor akin to stagnant shit seems to explode from West Virginia mud anytime it is disturbed! Being pissed off about the smell and stomping across the muddy yard will only serve to stir up a stench the likes of which you will never forget!!
5. West Virginia mud is COLDER than snow! Yup, sounds crazy, but it's true! This brown crud is so cold that it leaves you not only stained a wonderful shade of shit brown, but when it is caked on it will give you a bone deep ache. It is cold! As in cold as the grave!! As a matter of a fact I'm pretty sure West Virginia mud holds the origins for that saying!
Anyway, I'm pretty sure you get the idea!
So, while the rest of the Northern Hemisphere celebrate the Winter Solstice, Christmas and all the other beautiful Winter Holidays wrapped in red, gold, silver, blue and green, West Virginia will once again celebrate this Holiday Season in the cold, depressing, drab brown of Winter Mud!
Monday, December 1, 2014
Cat TV and spoiled dogs....
A couple of weeks ago one of my cats, Baby, who happens to be "special", was irritating me beyond belief! I was attempting to do some work on my computer and he kept rubbing on me and getting between me and the screen. Finally he sat on my laptop keyboard, turned to face me and very gently, very calmly placed a paw against my cheek and meowed in my face while directly looking me in the eyes.
Now, to most cat owners this would be a sign that the cat either
1.) wanted attention
2.) wanted food
3.) had a cold butt
But for me it meant that the damn cat wanted to watch what is jokingly called "Cat TV" around here. You see, a month or so ago I was browsing YouTube when I came across a 35 minute video of birds and squirrels eating at a feeder. Now, before I go on let me say one thing, I am normally an intelligent woman who does her best to make the right choices at all times. This was NOT one of those times. In my weary delirium I thought it would be "funny" to show the video to the cats that share the house with us.
THAT WAS A MISTAKE!!
The three younger cats that share our home thought it was AWESOME!! One of them, Baby, you know, the "special" one, even fell asleep watching the birds fly off and on the feeder. Thankfully he had missed the squirrels!!
So, now we come to the heart of the problem! Baby no believes that the ONLY reason to have the laptop on is so that he can watch CAT TV! Yup, he will actually come and, in his own way, demand that I turn it on!
And that is NOT the worst of it!! The big gray tabby, known, ironically as Mr. Stripey, comes in and rubs and bats at me so I will follow him to the french doors that lead to the deck. Once there, he expects me to put out bird food and corn for the squirrels so he can lay on the table and watch a live version of CAT TV!!
He will go so far as to meow, loud and demanding, while looking at me and batting the door glass!!
Now, it might seem cute. I admit it sounds cute. Let me tell you, it is NOT cute, it is annoying!! I am bossed around, more than usual, by two cats that need to be entertained!! Not just entertained, but actually have their own programs/events to watch!!
WTH???
Add to that the fact that the little, annoying, bossy, spoiled dogs seem to believe that they NEED peanut butter each and every time I go into the kitchen and you'll begin to understand that I am nothing more than an animated television changer, door man and food provider!! They, with the exception of my own dog, don't even really like me that much! I am here only to fulfill their every whim!!
Once upon a time I actually believed that my pets LOVED me. Boy, was I mistaken! They may care about me, but I think it's just because I provide varied and sunder services for them. I buy them food and treats, I make sure they have toys and clean water, comfortable places to sleep and keep warm and that they are healthy. I provide entertainment and stimulation, as well as a "cushy" place to lay when they decide to crawl into bed with me. I am a possession that exists only to keep them happy and healthy!!
Sometimes it really sucks to be me!
Later.
Now, to most cat owners this would be a sign that the cat either
1.) wanted attention
2.) wanted food
3.) had a cold butt
But for me it meant that the damn cat wanted to watch what is jokingly called "Cat TV" around here. You see, a month or so ago I was browsing YouTube when I came across a 35 minute video of birds and squirrels eating at a feeder. Now, before I go on let me say one thing, I am normally an intelligent woman who does her best to make the right choices at all times. This was NOT one of those times. In my weary delirium I thought it would be "funny" to show the video to the cats that share the house with us.
THAT WAS A MISTAKE!!
The three younger cats that share our home thought it was AWESOME!! One of them, Baby, you know, the "special" one, even fell asleep watching the birds fly off and on the feeder. Thankfully he had missed the squirrels!!
So, now we come to the heart of the problem! Baby no believes that the ONLY reason to have the laptop on is so that he can watch CAT TV! Yup, he will actually come and, in his own way, demand that I turn it on!
And that is NOT the worst of it!! The big gray tabby, known, ironically as Mr. Stripey, comes in and rubs and bats at me so I will follow him to the french doors that lead to the deck. Once there, he expects me to put out bird food and corn for the squirrels so he can lay on the table and watch a live version of CAT TV!!
He will go so far as to meow, loud and demanding, while looking at me and batting the door glass!!
Now, it might seem cute. I admit it sounds cute. Let me tell you, it is NOT cute, it is annoying!! I am bossed around, more than usual, by two cats that need to be entertained!! Not just entertained, but actually have their own programs/events to watch!!
WTH???
Add to that the fact that the little, annoying, bossy, spoiled dogs seem to believe that they NEED peanut butter each and every time I go into the kitchen and you'll begin to understand that I am nothing more than an animated television changer, door man and food provider!! They, with the exception of my own dog, don't even really like me that much! I am here only to fulfill their every whim!!
Once upon a time I actually believed that my pets LOVED me. Boy, was I mistaken! They may care about me, but I think it's just because I provide varied and sunder services for them. I buy them food and treats, I make sure they have toys and clean water, comfortable places to sleep and keep warm and that they are healthy. I provide entertainment and stimulation, as well as a "cushy" place to lay when they decide to crawl into bed with me. I am a possession that exists only to keep them happy and healthy!!
Sometimes it really sucks to be me!
Later.
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