Christmas is coming......

So, here it is the 16th of December and we in West Virginia are faced with the normal weather related troubles.

For those of you that are not familiar with my blogs, and have not read about the amazing weather we here in God's Country have, let me enlighten  you!

West Virginia has the usual Spring, Summer, Autumn and Winter, pretty much like anyone else in this part of the world.  But, we are also blessed (yeah right) with THREE SUB-seasons!!

Yup, I just told you we have a total of SEVEN seasons here in West-by-God.

You see, when that dreaded Old Man Winter is making his way to us we have to suffer the indignities of PRE-Winter, or Post-Autumn if you will.  That simply means that in December we will have temperatures ranging from below zero to 60 degrees.

Today is a fine example.  Here we are, all dressed up (decorations) and waiting for the lovely white blanket of snow to grace our hills and valleys.  Picture perfect Winter scenes dancing in our minds as we glob on the tinsel and hang the last light.  It sounds, and should be, BEAUTIFUL!!!

Is it??

Nope, nope, nope!!

Instead of the beautiful, unblemished blanket of pure, clean, white snow, we have.....da, da, da,dummmmmm, BROWN!!

Yup, Winter MUD season is upon us!!

Instead of uniquely beautiful flakes of purest white drifting down from the sky like feathers fallen from angel wings, we have RAIN!!  Yup, each and every drop is exactly the same, each one fat with potential to make our yard a sea of greasy, slimy, think brown muck!!

For some reason mud doesn't reflect the red, green and white of Christmas lights quite as well as snow would.

It's not near as fun to have a mudball fight in 40, snowball fights would be much better!!

Mud on the road is just as dangerous as snow, actually more so!!

I've yet to have a shirt/coat/gloves/shoes/pants ruined by being stained by snow!

Let me give you a few insights about West Virginia mud:

1. Get the visions of bikini clad women wrestling grabbing each other and rolling in a substance that looks like melted chocolate.  This is NOT mud from any region of West Virginia!  (And probably not from any region on earth, but hey, everyone believes what they see on Jerry Springer, right?) The composition of West Virginia mud is more along the lines of sand, clay, tiny gravel, heavy dose of slime and residual feces from various and sunder animals.

2. West Virginia mud is slimy, thick, heavy and clingy all at the same time!  Yup, you will slip and fall (perhaps break something) in this stuff and when you try to stand up you will find that you are weighted down by 40+ pounds of clumpy, slimy, stiff, cold mud!  Imagine becoming a Golem and attempting to run a 10K race!

3. West Virginia mud will stain ANYTHING!!  Skin, clothing, shoes, metal, plastic, you name it and it will be stained.  NOTHING will get this color off of or out off any material.  If you stain your clothing just give up!  Yup, your choices are, throw it away, wash it and then promptly mix clothing dye a sickening shade of shit brown and dye said article, tear it up and use it for rags.  Whatever you do, do NOT be fooled into thinking OXYClean will remove the stain......this is the stuff God used to dye the fur of numerous animals during creation!!

4. No matter what you may think, no matter what previous experience you have had with mud, be prepared to be assaulted by a stench like none other if you are unlucky enough to fall down in this stuff.  Yup, an odor akin to stagnant shit seems to explode from West Virginia mud anytime it is disturbed!  Being pissed off about the smell and stomping across the muddy yard will only serve to stir up a stench the likes of which you will never forget!!

5. West Virginia mud is COLDER than snow!  Yup, sounds crazy, but it's true!  This brown crud is so cold that it leaves you not only stained a wonderful shade of shit brown, but when it is caked on it will give you a bone deep ache.  It is cold!  As in cold as the grave!!  As a matter of a fact I'm pretty sure West Virginia mud holds the origins for that saying!

Anyway, I'm pretty sure you get the idea!

So, while the rest of the Northern Hemisphere celebrate the Winter Solstice, Christmas and all the other beautiful Winter Holidays wrapped in red, gold, silver, blue and green, West Virginia will once again celebrate this Holiday Season in the cold, depressing, drab brown of Winter Mud!

Cat TV and spoiled dogs....

A couple of weeks ago one of my cats, Baby, who happens to be "special", was irritating me beyond belief!  I was attempting to do some work on my computer and he kept rubbing on me and getting between me and the screen.  Finally he sat on my laptop keyboard, turned to face me and very gently, very calmly placed a paw against my cheek and meowed in my face while directly looking me in the eyes.

Now, to most cat owners this would be a sign that the cat either
1.) wanted attention
2.) wanted food
3.) had a cold butt

But for me it meant that the damn cat wanted to watch what is jokingly called "Cat TV" around here.  You see, a month or so ago I was browsing YouTube when I came across a 35 minute video of birds and squirrels eating at a feeder.  Now, before I go on let me say one thing, I am normally an intelligent woman who does her best to make the right choices at all times.  This was NOT one of those times.  In my weary delirium I thought it would be "funny" to show the video to the cats that share the house with us.

THAT WAS A MISTAKE!!

The three younger cats that share our home thought it was AWESOME!!  One of them, Baby, you know, the "special" one, even fell asleep watching the birds fly off and on the feeder.  Thankfully he had missed the squirrels!!

So, now we come to the heart of the problem!  Baby no believes that the ONLY reason to have the laptop on is so that he can watch CAT TV!  Yup, he will actually come and, in his own way, demand that I turn it on!

And that is NOT the worst of it!!  The big gray tabby, known, ironically as Mr. Stripey, comes in and rubs and bats at me so I will follow him to the french doors that lead to the deck.  Once there, he expects me to put out bird food and corn for the squirrels so he can lay on the table and watch a live version of CAT TV!!
He will go so far as to meow, loud and demanding, while looking at me and batting the door glass!!

Now, it might seem cute.  I admit it sounds cute.  Let me tell you, it is NOT cute, it is annoying!!  I am bossed around, more than usual, by two cats that need to be entertained!!  Not just entertained, but actually have their own programs/events to watch!!

WTH???

Add to that the fact that the little, annoying, bossy, spoiled dogs seem to believe that they NEED peanut butter each and every time I go into the kitchen and you'll begin to understand that I am nothing more than an animated television changer, door man and food provider!!  They, with the exception of my own dog, don't even really like me that much!  I am here only to fulfill their every whim!!

Once upon a time I actually believed that my pets LOVED me.  Boy, was I mistaken!  They may care about me, but I think it's just because I provide varied and sunder services for them.  I buy them food and treats, I make sure they have toys and clean water, comfortable places to sleep and keep warm and that they are healthy.  I provide entertainment and stimulation, as well as a "cushy" place to lay when they decide to crawl into bed with me.  I am a possession that exists only to keep them happy and healthy!!

Sometimes it really sucks to be me!

Later.

Small towns and cawing crows

Usually I write funny/sarcastic stuff on this blog, but today I'm going to be relatively serious.

You see, I have had some experiences while living in Calhoun County that need to be shared, experiences that may help someone else NOT become a homicidal maniac!

Living in a small town is a unique experience.  It's something that is difficult to explain to folks who have always lived in cities or even those who have always lived in the country, far away from any town.

Small towns, like the one close to us, are the apex of rumors, lies, deceit and self-righteousness.  Anytime you have 400 people living in a place that only has two dollar stores, two drug stores, two restaurants and one grocery store and NOTHING to do, well, let's just say people develop the tendency to "polish" any little tidbit they hear/see.

For instance, you could be seen standing on Main St. in front of the Dollar General store talking to a skinny, sickly looking person and the entire county will hear that you were talking to one of the local meth-heads about a delivery!!  Never mind that the person you were actually talking to is going through cancer treatments and has NEVER indulged in ANY type of drug usage.  Never mind that you are the heart and soul of sobriety  The town gossip, of which there are many, witnessed you talking to she/he doesn't know and automatically judged and then assumed you were making a drug deal.  Of course, the previously  mentioned gossip doesn't know you either, she/he just knows your name, but that is ENOUGH!

And, God help you if you are a single woman seen talking to a MARRIED MAN!!  You and he both will have a reputation that will follow you the rest of your life!!  Yup, if the town gossip sees you speaking to that man, she/he will have it all over town that you two are fucking like bunnies and his poor, ignorant wife has no idea!!  It's so bad that it could be the local preacher and it would make no difference!

Of course, if you DARE confront the UPSTANDING, CHURCH GOING, RIGHTEOUS gossip, things will only go down hill.  You will then be labeled as being a trouble maker,someone that "jumps" poor defenseless old women!!  Of course, that "poor defenseless old woman" attends church every Sunday morning and Wednesday night, serves on the Town Council, is a Daughter of the Revolution and would NEVER, EVER, EVER cause trouble for ANYONE!!

Right, and snowmen don't melt in 70 degree weather!

The one particular "gossip" that I'm speaking of seems like truthful and righteous that NOTHING could tarnish her reputation!!

Yup, nothing!  LOL

Then there is the "righteous" woman that causes more trouble than head lice in a pre-school!  She, who is also an upstanding church goer, forgets that there are those of us that KNOW her oldest child, who was born while her husband served our great Nation in WWII, belonged NOT to his "Father" but to his UNCLE!!  Yup, she screwed her brother in law while her beloved husband was  risking his life for our freedom!!  BUT, that is a well guarded secret and the general public isn't aware that this upstanding, TRUTHFUL, HONEST woman is nothing more or less than a lying bitch who cared for no-one but herself!! So when she made sure the stray cats were shot or poisoned because they were shitting in her flower bed, no one thought too much about it, well, other than those of us with a BRAIN and a HEART!  When she began complaining that the birds were shitting on her car, I DID reminded her that the cats that she hated so badly that she had them destroyed, were what kept the bird population in check.   Too bad the birds weren't the size of the sedan she loves so well, I would LOVE to see Karma shit on her head!!

The gossips in town will put you in mind of a murder of crows screaming at the neighborhood cat that dared to enter their territory!  Cawing crows and lies, what a mixture!!

Anyway, you get the idea about the gossips.  So let's move on to what is called the "Good Ole Boy Network".  This, in case you don't know, is a group of men, usually related, who hold the "powerful" jobs in the county.  They control who does and who doesn't get their roads fixed, their sewer repaired, the raise they've worked so hard for.  This bunch of hypocrites control most everything of any importance that happen in the county.  Of course, the ravages of time are wearing away at them and soon they will all be pushing up daisies while feeding the worms.  Yay for that!!  The only problem is that MOST of them reproduced offspring that are just as selfish, closed minded, and ignorant as their fathers.  And THOSE idiots are next in line for the "control" of things!!  Yup, we are forever doomed to have people in power that are dumber than dog turds.

Then of course, we have the small minds that are the everyday people.  Yup, progress has no chance in this wonderful community.  We have "high speed" internet that is about the same speed as a snail riding on a turtle's back.  Our county records are still in large, leather bound books and if you need to renew your tags or driver's licence you have to go to the next county or else to the "city" of Parkersburg.  Our "hospital" is little more than an old veterinary clinic with larger beds and the veterinary clinic is about the size of a ladies room.  We have NO dog warden, no humane society, no pet store.  We don't even have a feed store!!  Used cars are sold in the next county and if you want an actual drink of alcohol you have a choice between the VFW, where you can get beer or malt, or the bar on the other side of the county, where they fight and fuss all the time!!

If you decide to dye your hair a brilliant color of red/blue/yellow/green/whatever people will actually point and laugh, and if you have piercings you are automatically labeled a "weirdo" and avoided at all cost.  And if you happen to be gay, well, you will find a whole new type of miserable that you would never have imagined.  No, they won't murder/torture you in the physical way, but the will do their best to destroy your spirit and your individuality.

Small town living is shown to be a slower pace and the people as being polite and sweet.  Yeah right, polite and sweet as a rabid dog with mange!!  The slower part is true, it's so slow that you wonder if the days will ever pass, there is NOTHING to do unless it's football season, and then the only thing to do is go to a High School football game.  We do, from time to time, have Bluegrass music in town, it's about 4 times a month and it's mostly locals that have taught themselves to play.  Some of them are actually pretty good!!  But you can only listen to Bluegrass for so long, especially when it's the same people playing the same songs over and over and over......

If you want to see a movie you have to go 30 miles one way to get to the closest movie theater and it's small, dank and dirty!  To go to an actual cinema complex you have to travel at least an hour and a half to get to one!  So basically, unless you're into driving, movies are out of the question.

Clubbing?  Yeah right, only if you want to spend the night in Morgantown or Clarksburg, and both of them are about 2 hours away.  And the clubs they have are okay, but not like what you'll find in KC or Pittsburgh.   So basically, you can dance around your house, but you can't dance anywhere else!  LOL

Concerts??  The closest thing is the Bluegrass concerts at Glenville College.  They have some good groups in from time to time.  And of course, you can go to Charleston for big concerts, like big name artists.  As a matter of a fact James Taylor is going to be there in a few days!!

Anyway, I guess the whole point of this rant is this, if you don't mind gossip, slander, close mindedness, bigotry and boredom, this is the place to be!!  Oh, I forgot something, employment is  a BIG problem too, if you don't work for the gas and oil companies, or drive truck, you won't make much of a living.  Our teachers, of course, are underpaid, as are teachers all over this country!  There are a few employers that pay minimum wage, and nothing that pays the "big bucks".  So, add unemployment to the list of wonderful things this place has to offer!!

And for it all, it's a beautiful place with a lot of good hearted, kind, gentle, generous people.  Too bad that per capita the assholes have them out numbered!  But the scenery is amazing!!

Deer don't fly!

Well, once again I have proven how horrible of a blogger I am.  It's been a months and months since I've actually even looked at this blog, let alone posted to it!

Now that we have it established that I'm a horrible blogger, let's get on to the real post!  LOL

Today is the first day of deer gun season here in Ole West Virginia.  It's a beautiful day, one of the warmer we've had this late in the year.  The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and......the wind is blowing like a two bit hooker on a Friday night!

Usually blowing wind (lol, I know what  you're thinking) is not a problem, but this is not just blowing, it's raging like a menopausal woman in the midst of an hour long hot (think hell) flash.

It's so bad that when I let the little fuzzy dog out to pee he looked like a drunk staggering home from a bender.  He managed to get to the closest tree to  hike his little leg only to be caught by a gust of wind and toppled over.  There he lay on the ground looking like some object d'art created by an artist with a twisted sense of humor.  Laying on his side, piss shooting into the air, he looked like some twisted fountain labeled "This is what NOT to do".

The wind is whipping around the house like a banshee looking for a dying soul.  Screeching at a pitch that makes your blood curdle.

Yet there are hundreds of hunters in the woods!  Yup, men, women and children tramping through the timber in search of the elusive deer.

It wouldn't be so bad, but there is a thing called "Deadfall". Usually deadfall is on the ground.  It's basically what it sounds like, trees and limbs die and then they fall.  But sometimes the falling process is interrupted by the living.  Yup, living limbs catch dead ones and prevent them from falling to the ground.

So, when we have raging winds, wild gust, and deadfall hanging in the trees on the first day of deer season we have a recipe for disaster.

I'm sure there will be a news report about someone who either fell from a tree stand, or was blown from a tree stand, or who was injured, if not killed, from limbs falling from the sky!  I don't wish it upon anyone, but the simple truth is that it will happen, if it hasn't already.

I don't understand why there is such a torrent of hunters that invade the woods today.  I mean, the deer don't migrate, they don't take to wing and fly South for the winter.  They pretty much stay within a mile or so of where they were born, grazing on grass, flowers, gardens, whatever and leaving behind massive amounts of deer shit for the dogs to find and roll in or, yuck, eat.  The deer will be there tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after, and....well, you get the idea!

And before you start a flurry of comments about the "Trophy Buck", yeah, I get it.  If you don't get there first then someone else will shoot that huge twelve point buck!  You CANNOT allow that to happen.  THAT DEER IS YOURS!!  YOU'VE FED IT ALL YEAR!!  YOU'VE made sure it got the right minerals to produce those MASSIVE HORNS!!

YOU have BUCK FEVER!!  Yup, it's an illness!  That's why it's called FEVER!!

I don't understand it, but even women get this mysterious illness that causes them to risk life and limb in a windstorm to sneak around the woods before daylight and sit on the ground or hang from a tree in order to shoot that BIG BUCK!

I hate to break it to y'all, but you can't eat those horns!!  And if you hang them on the wall they just get dusty and, if you are unlucky enough to NOT own a cat or two, the mice find them delicious!!!

I have shot a buck, actually I have shot several, but I have never, ever, ever been afflicted with the "Fever".

Unfortunately I have been around those that have.

The first indication of the "Fever" is that they begin searching for the "perfect" place to watch for that "amazing" buck their friend, neighbor, relative saw at such and such place.

At this point one of two things can happen, if they don't catch even a glimpse of the buck in question they will fall into a mild depression immediately followed by chasing a different rumor of a different  "amazing" buck.

If they DO see the first buck in question, they will develop the following symptoms:

1. Their eyes will dilate and their nose will flare if anyone else mentions said buck.

2. They will go daily to check for "sign" that said buck in still in area.  (see previous about deer migration)

3. They will invest in a myriad of "scent blockers" and "lures" some of which smell like piss, deer piss to be exact.  The others range in smell from nothing to OMG who died!

4. They will begin to dream of said buck.  Also each and every conversation will include a reference to said buck.

These symptoms will worsen as the FIRST DAY OF DEER SEASON draws near.

Some sufferers will go so far as to NOT shower for days before said first day!!

The night before the coveted day, you should be alert for the following:

1. Restlessness, including constantly checking their guns, ammo, clothing and, of course, the clock.

2. Going to bed early.  This is to ensure that they are up and about "before the deer move".  Which confuses me beyond belief!!  Deer move ALL NIGHT!

3. Trying, in vain, to quietly dress and drag their assorted paraphernalia out to their truck, SUV, 4-wheeler, buggy before the birds even awaken.  At this point they usually expect you to prepare them a "quiet" lunch that doesn't "smell", which is an insult to every person who is NOT experiencing the "Fever".

4. Rushing, quietly of course, into the woods to their deer stand, tree stand, blind, vantage point in order to be there when the deer "come out".  Again, this confuses me, do the deer go INSIDE the night before season??  Where, exactly, are they coming out of?  OR, and this one will piss many, many people off, are the COMING OUT as in OUT of the CLOSET?  That would explain the lack of "amazing" bucks.

5. After wasting a day, and usually not even firing a shot, the weary Fever sufferer will return home only to repeat the process the next day.

So while those of us that don't suffer from this affliction enjoy the warmth and comfort of our homes, perhaps venturing out in order to shoot a doe so we can snicker as the "Fever" sufferer enjoys his dinner after a fruitless day, the weary "Fever" victim will usually sink into a even deeper depression as he waits for the perfect buck to wander his way.

Meanwhile, deep in the woods and hollows of  West Virginia, thousands of deer are laughing their asses off!

Holiness, snakes and dying

"Pastor" Jamie Coots of the Full Gospel Tabernacle in Middlesboro KY has died. He was bitten by a rattle snake during a Church service on Saturday night, and, as per his religion, he refused medical attention.  He died mere hours after the EMS team BEGGED him to go to the hospital.  He was the "pastor" of a Holiness church in KY, by Holiness, I mean a snake handling, poison drinking, jumpin' and hollerin' church.  Now, as someone who was raised in the midst of this type of religion, and who has, on more occasions than I can to recall, be in a church that believes in snake handling, I find that I have mixed emotions when I hear this news.

For those of you who don’t know, Jamie Coots appeared on a reality show called Snake Salvation on the Netgeo channel.  He had already been bitten twice, and had lost most of his middle finger (which rotted, yeah, ROTTED off) because of a snake bite.  He never sought medical attention for any of the bites he received during Church services.

I can understand WHY they believe as they do, because of a literal interpretation of the words in Mark 16: 17-18, which says (KJV) "(17) And these signs shall follow them that believe; In my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues; (18) They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover."

That simple passage is what their belief in snake handling and poison drinking is based on.

Growing up not far from a Holiness church, and attending services more than I care to remember, I realize that many of the people that attended these services when I was a child did not know how to read.  Most of them were from coal mine families where simply surviving was much more important than receiving an education.  There is no shame in that, particularly when you realize that I was a child in the 60’s.   Most of these people didn’t read the Bible, they took the Preacher’s word for what it said and what it meant.   The prejudices that were held by the Preacher were usually held by the members of the Church simply because they DID NOT KNOW BETTER.

But does that make it right?

Now, before many of you start flipping out on me, I will NEVER say that the Bible is wrong.  I WILL say that the Creator gave us a very rare gift, and it is called COMMON SENSE.  He gave it to us to USE and common sense tells us DO NOT PICK UP A RATTLE SNAKE AND RUB IT ON YOUR FACE!! 

Many Churches today still believe in speaking in tongues and laying on hands.  Many of them anoint an ill person with oil and “lift them up in prayer”.  Most of them believe that a person can be inhabited by the “spirit” of evil.  ALL of them do wondrous, positive things for uncountable thousands.  Churches aren’t all bad, not by a long shot. 

But places like the Full Gospel Tabernacle in KY and the Westboro Baptist Church in KS, well, they leave me with a feeling far removed from FAITH. They leave me with fear and confusion.

Westboro is quite simply a large group of bigots and neo-Nazis who enjoy hurting those around them.  They gather in the name of “God” to tear down, belittle and emotionally damage people around them.  They are all the things I believe a Church should NOT be.  No-one should teach HATE in the name of GOD.

Now, the Full Gospel tabernacle, that’s a different story.  I am sure that the Full Gospel Tabernacle did many positive things for its members and most probably for its community, I don’t believe that they are a positive force in the grand scheme of things.

Like I said, I have been to a snake handling service (don’t ask) and I have felt the maniacal glee that surrounds the believers, it’s a feeling that is indescribable. They have so much faith, so much passion for what they are doing that it literally fills the room.

But so do serial killers.

I’ve never attended anything having to do with the Westboro bunch, nor would I ever.  They seem to be a large collection of hateful people bent on the destruction of anyone who dares NOT believe as they do.  They have driven more people AWAY from the Church than they have ever brought to it.  (The same can be said of the Holiness Churches, I’m a prime example)

I guess it comes down to something very simple for me.  Today, when I heard the news of Jamie Coots death, I was sad for his family and for those you loved him.  I wasn’t surprised that he died of a snake bite, I have known of others in this religion who have.  I wasn’t surprised that he refused medical attention, his faith told him that he would be safe if he simply believed and that if he sought medical attention that he would surely go to Hell.  A small part of me felt vindicated, as horrible as that sounds.  I have always known that handling snakes was a dumb thing to do and that, although God protects idiots and children, sooner or later you will get bitten.

But the thing that struck me the most was a simple memory from my childhood.

I had left a Church service where they brought out some snakes.  My Granny was upset with me and she asked me why I had left.  I told her something very simple that still to this day holds true.  I said, “There is a thin line between faith and stupidity.  Handling snakes crosses that line.”

Was Jamie Coots stupid?  Or was it simply his time to move on?

Technology and other things meant to drive us insane........

I couldn’t find my phone today.  No, NOT my cell phone, my cordless house phone. To make it worse, it wasn’t ringing.  Now, under normal circumstances my phone NOT ringing is a blessing, not something that I would bitch about.

But, I have my caller ID so that it pops up on my television screen.  That way IF a number pops up (complete with name of course) and it’s someone I would rather NOT talk to, I don’t even bother trying to find the phone (which BTW is USUALLY on the charger where it belongs, not hiding somewhere in the house).  Anyway the damn ID was popping like some demented serial killer in an old high school during prom!  To make matters really worse, several of the calls were from people that I want to talk to.

So, I found the phone and TRIED to return one of the calls only to find that my phone wasn’t working!!  No dial tone!!  WTF??

Anyway, I proceeded to attach my headphone/microphone to my computer and return a call using Google talk.  After leaving a message telling them that it was me calling and not some strange person in California, I tried calling them back.  They STILL didn’t answer.  To make a long story short, it seems that some of us in the county are having phone problems.

I’m sure that some of you reading this are aware of what kind of month it has been here in Wild, Wonderful West Virginia.  For those of you that aren’t, here is a brief recap:

We experienced a storm from hell that wiped out power in almost the entire state.  Over 680,000 customers were without power, many of us for weeks.  I didn’t have power for 2 weeks, and when it came on it only stayed on for about a day and a half.  Since then it’s been a crap shoot as to whether or not there is power when I wake up.  Phone service has been spotty at best, insanely, horribly nonexistent at worse.  Internet comes and goes.  It’s a big fat pain in the ass.

During the electrical outage the average temp was around 100 degrees for the first week, and the second week was rife with thunderstorms and temps in the 90’s.  Fun, fun……

Anyway, NOW we’re under a severe thunderstorm warning with a flash flood warning.  The storm that tore through Illinois and left thousands without power/phone in Chicago is heading our way with a vengeance.  

All I can say is HERE WE GO AGAIN!!!

Now in case you missed it, I wrote a blog about things to do in West Virginia in the Summer without electric…..the thing you will do the most is SWEAT!!  With the humidity staying between 85 and 100% you have no choice but to SWEAT.  I’ll let you in on a secret, SWEATING MAKES ME ANGRY, especially when the most work I’m doing is breathing!!  I HATE to sweat when I’m not doing anything other than breathing!!  

*back on topic girl, back on topic*

So, where was I, oh yeah….the phone!!

So once I found the phone and took care of making my calls, I decided to listen to some music while I did some housework.  Usually this is a smooth operation involving turning on the stereo, finding my playlist on my laptop, plug in my wireless transmitter and hit play.  Sounds relatively easy, right?  Oh NO, NOT TODAY!

Today the laptop decided to have a major identity crisis and REFUSE to acknowledge the fact that some of my favorite music EVER resides on my playlist!!  Today it decided to tell me that those particular mp3s were NOT THERE!!  So, like one of Pavlov’s dogs, I went through my tricks hoping for a reward.  Checked the music folder for the songs…..yup, right there they are.  Checked that the player was set to play mp3s…….yup, sure is.  Tried to play songs on a different player…..yup they work.  Tired on RealPlayer again……SCREW YOU BITCH, I AIN’T PLAYING THOSE SONGS!!

Well, the easy fix would be to play them in windows media player, right??  NO, windows media player sucks!!  So I decided to play the original cd’s on the stereo……..right up until the moment the stereo decided that it didn’t want to play ANY cd’s today or apparently EVER again.

So here I sit, listening to the fan run and the neighbor mow his grass.  No music is gracing my ears because I’m to the point of making sure my laptop and stereo get HAMMERED today…..and NOT in the good, I’m drunk way!

It seems to me that while we advance in technology we are putting ourselves at risk for insanity!  Every new product that hits the market promises “ease of use” and usually ends up giving us a headache trying to read the manual or getting it to work.  Just as soon as we get used to one technology another one hits the market.  

Our alarms, telephones, televisions, computers, smart phones, mp3 players, dvd players, blue ray players, refrigerators and even our cars can all talk to us and tell us when the battery is going dead, when it’s time to get up, when our favorite program is on, when the oil is low, when to turn and when to defrost.  Pretty soon all of our gadgets will be able to operate themselves, our cars can already park themselves so it won’t be long before they will be driving without any assistance from us, it’s not that big of a step from planes flying on auto-pilot to flying themselves.

WE may soon be the next technology to become obsolete. The world will be filled with plastic gadgets telling stainless steel machines to produce even more plastic gadgets!!  Cars will come and go at will and refrigerators will keep whatever the hell they want fresh for weeks at a time.  Human beings will only be kept around to invent even more advanced gadgets to take care of the aging gadgets that are no longer useful.  

 WE WILL BE LIVING A STEPHEN KING NOVEL!!!

Before that happens I will go back to rotary phones with no caller id, call forward, three way calling (always sounded like something that would be really useful to a sex line business), speed dial, auto answer, special rings, voicemail or redial on busy feature.  I will dig out my old big picture tube, 13 channel, no remote, rabbit ear antenna using black and white tv.  I’m sure I have an AM radio in storage somewhere.  

I will go on a technology strike!!  

Except for my laptop and DSL of course.  I couldn’t get rid of them.  They help keep me entertained, the inform me of the weather in some country on the other side of the world with a name I can’t express.  They allow me to post stupid ranting on a blog that until recently no one knew existed!! THEY ALLOW ME TO TELL MY DEVIANTS THAT I LOVE THEM.  Yeah, the laptop/DSL will be my only nod to technology.  Without them I would go insane!!

Okay, you can stop shaking your head and mumbling “Go insane??  Sounds like you already are.”  Admit it, I have given a voice to the teeny, tiny little fear of technology that flits around the edges of your mind every time you see some new gadget that you just HAVE to have.  You know I’m not insane, I’m prophetically insightful, intelligently humorous, delightfully demented!!  But NOT insane!!  

I’m going to go see if I can talk my vacuum into working…….maybe someday they’ll invent one that runs when needed without assistance from a human……..it would be useful in helping clean up the little slivers of plastic that seem to magically appear every time I’m angry at my cd player/phone/ereader/tv…etc, etc, etc

Things to say to your friend when.........

So, I have this friend who is constantly whining about her choice in men.  (No E. its’ NOT you)  Anyway, she called today and we, as usual, had the same conversation we’ve been having for the past 4 years.

The conversation went something like this:

HER: I just don’t understand why no man I ever get involved with stays with me!  What’s wrong with me?

ME (being a good friend): There’s nothing wrong with you, it’s the men you pick. (yeah, I lied, but I’m trying to be nice)

HER: It must be me, there’s not that many assholes in the world!

ME (thinking, hmmmmm…..every single person in the world has an asshole): I don’t know honey, I don’t have an answer for you.

HER: *sniff, sniff*  I have to get off of here.  I’ll call you later. (click)

That’s right, no goodbye, no thanks, no nothing but a raging CLICK in my ear. While the ringing was echoing in my head, I began to think of all the things that I should have said and, because I was trying to be a nice person, didn’t say.

THINGS TO SAY TO YOUR FRIENDS WHEN THEY BITCH, WHINE, CRY and ACT LIKE IDIOTS OVER MEN:

Before  you get into a serious relationship, MEET THE FAMILY!!  I know meeting the family is usually after the relationship has gotten serious, but if you meet them beforehand, you will have some idea of whether or not he’s a fucking idiot!  Keep in mind, if you shake the family tree and a bunch of nuts fall out, it’s probably a bad idea to get involved with him.

If he tries to tie your shoes for you every time they come untied, he’s probably been trained to do so.  Now, if you want an obedient man (pet) keep in mind that they require a lot of maintenance (think constant reassurance of your love and his worth) and will get on your nerves very quickly.

If he becomes very possessive and questions what you’re doing, who you’re doing it with, when you’ll be done, sends you mushy love notes all within one week of meeting him…………RUN!

If he thinks he has to shave his back…….RUN IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION!!  Unless of course you’re  trying to get onto MONSTERQUEST, if that’s the case, capture him (before he shaves) and call The History Channel.  (Of course there are those of us that LIKE hairy men….but the fact that he thinks he has to shave his back is a turnoff.)

If he lies every time opens his mouth, you should have sense enough to get away from him.

If he talks, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, even in his sleep or when no one else is in the room, if the dog runs when he speaks….LEAVE NOW…it won’t be long before you place a pillow over his face and end up spending the rest of your life surrounded by women with nicknames like Slasher, Big Bertha, Little Dyke and Morris.

If he trolls the bar 5 nights a week he is either an alcoholic or else he is searching for a new “piece of ass” and you will soon be either a thing of the past or else infected with something you do not want.

If you advance a relationship to the point where you have seen him naked…..notice if his penis looks like a knobby vibrator…..IF it does, RUN, EVEN IF YOU ARE NAKED, TO THE CLOSEST DOOR AND LEAVE…..NOW!!

Remember ladies, Cum is NOT green!! 

If he has a Mommy complex and you’re an independent woman, stay clear!!  You don’t want a grown man that runs to Mommy every time you say a cross word.  Remember, the mothers of Mommies Boys is the source of the problem, it’s not his fault that he never learned to cut his own steak…..you’ll either have to take her place or live with a pouting, spoiled child.  Make the right choice!!

Now, before you men start to bitch and whine and call me a sexist.....here's your list.

THINGS TO SAY TO YOUR FRIENDS WHEN THEY BECOME A WHINING PUSSIES OVER A WOMAN:

She’s dumber than a retired pro wrestler and her voice sound like Minnie Mouse on helium. Does she have a fur lined puss?  Can she suck the chrome off of a bumper hitch?  NO….then What the fuck is wrong with you?

It doesn’t matter how incredible the sex is, if she’s crazier than a shit house rat sooner or later you will be in fear for your life.  Crazy sex is NOT good sex.

If she’s 35 years old and never held a job, yet still owns a house, gets a new car every year, comes up with expensive guitars and jewelry, goes on lavish vacations and you don’t pay for any of them…..SHE IS A WHORE!!  Remember men, WHORES GET PAID!!!!

If the odor of fish lingers around her all morning and you work nights, she must be working nights as well.  (see previous)

Just because it’s called a “flower” doesn’t mean it should have multiple “petals”.  If you’ve never seen one that like looks anything like this, you probably shouldn’t be seeing this one!

Yes, it is a self cleaning orifice, but there is only so much gunk that Mother Nature can clean up after.

Remember, Black boxes are not only in airplanes!!  If one end doesn’t match the other, you will be investing more cash than you want into CLAIROL with no return in sight!

If you come home and your woman is in bed with another woman, it DOES NOT mean she wants a threesome….Tuna doesn’t only come in a can!

If you’ve never seen her without her makeup, DO NOT MARRY HER OR EVEN GET INTO A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP WITH HER.  It would be very tragic if you rolled over one morning and realized you were in bed with your grandmother’s best friend.

No matter how hot she looks at closing time, chances are there’s a reason she’s still there.  Remember gentlemen, Alcohol dims, distorts, and totally fucks up not only your vision, but perhaps the rest of your life.  No one wants that one special call from the Health Department!

No matter which side of the sexual divide you are on, NO ONE want to listen to you whine or cry about the “One that got away”.  Same goes for the drunken babblings about your EX….Remember the X marks the spot, but the EX means Been there, Done that!

The next time my friend calls with a new story of woe, I believe I’ll send her a link to this post…..maybe I won’t wait until she calls.