Deer don't fly!

Well, once again I have proven how horrible of a blogger I am.  It's been a months and months since I've actually even looked at this blog, let alone posted to it!

Now that we have it established that I'm a horrible blogger, let's get on to the real post!  LOL

Today is the first day of deer gun season here in Ole West Virginia.  It's a beautiful day, one of the warmer we've had this late in the year.  The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and......the wind is blowing like a two bit hooker on a Friday night!

Usually blowing wind (lol, I know what  you're thinking) is not a problem, but this is not just blowing, it's raging like a menopausal woman in the midst of an hour long hot (think hell) flash.

It's so bad that when I let the little fuzzy dog out to pee he looked like a drunk staggering home from a bender.  He managed to get to the closest tree to  hike his little leg only to be caught by a gust of wind and toppled over.  There he lay on the ground looking like some object d'art created by an artist with a twisted sense of humor.  Laying on his side, piss shooting into the air, he looked like some twisted fountain labeled "This is what NOT to do".

The wind is whipping around the house like a banshee looking for a dying soul.  Screeching at a pitch that makes your blood curdle.

Yet there are hundreds of hunters in the woods!  Yup, men, women and children tramping through the timber in search of the elusive deer.

It wouldn't be so bad, but there is a thing called "Deadfall". Usually deadfall is on the ground.  It's basically what it sounds like, trees and limbs die and then they fall.  But sometimes the falling process is interrupted by the living.  Yup, living limbs catch dead ones and prevent them from falling to the ground.

So, when we have raging winds, wild gust, and deadfall hanging in the trees on the first day of deer season we have a recipe for disaster.

I'm sure there will be a news report about someone who either fell from a tree stand, or was blown from a tree stand, or who was injured, if not killed, from limbs falling from the sky!  I don't wish it upon anyone, but the simple truth is that it will happen, if it hasn't already.

I don't understand why there is such a torrent of hunters that invade the woods today.  I mean, the deer don't migrate, they don't take to wing and fly South for the winter.  They pretty much stay within a mile or so of where they were born, grazing on grass, flowers, gardens, whatever and leaving behind massive amounts of deer shit for the dogs to find and roll in or, yuck, eat.  The deer will be there tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after, and....well, you get the idea!

And before you start a flurry of comments about the "Trophy Buck", yeah, I get it.  If you don't get there first then someone else will shoot that huge twelve point buck!  You CANNOT allow that to happen.  THAT DEER IS YOURS!!  YOU'VE FED IT ALL YEAR!!  YOU'VE made sure it got the right minerals to produce those MASSIVE HORNS!!

YOU have BUCK FEVER!!  Yup, it's an illness!  That's why it's called FEVER!!

I don't understand it, but even women get this mysterious illness that causes them to risk life and limb in a windstorm to sneak around the woods before daylight and sit on the ground or hang from a tree in order to shoot that BIG BUCK!

I hate to break it to y'all, but you can't eat those horns!!  And if you hang them on the wall they just get dusty and, if you are unlucky enough to NOT own a cat or two, the mice find them delicious!!!

I have shot a buck, actually I have shot several, but I have never, ever, ever been afflicted with the "Fever".

Unfortunately I have been around those that have.

The first indication of the "Fever" is that they begin searching for the "perfect" place to watch for that "amazing" buck their friend, neighbor, relative saw at such and such place.

At this point one of two things can happen, if they don't catch even a glimpse of the buck in question they will fall into a mild depression immediately followed by chasing a different rumor of a different  "amazing" buck.

If they DO see the first buck in question, they will develop the following symptoms:

1. Their eyes will dilate and their nose will flare if anyone else mentions said buck.

2. They will go daily to check for "sign" that said buck in still in area.  (see previous about deer migration)

3. They will invest in a myriad of "scent blockers" and "lures" some of which smell like piss, deer piss to be exact.  The others range in smell from nothing to OMG who died!

4. They will begin to dream of said buck.  Also each and every conversation will include a reference to said buck.

These symptoms will worsen as the FIRST DAY OF DEER SEASON draws near.

Some sufferers will go so far as to NOT shower for days before said first day!!

The night before the coveted day, you should be alert for the following:

1. Restlessness, including constantly checking their guns, ammo, clothing and, of course, the clock.

2. Going to bed early.  This is to ensure that they are up and about "before the deer move".  Which confuses me beyond belief!!  Deer move ALL NIGHT!

3. Trying, in vain, to quietly dress and drag their assorted paraphernalia out to their truck, SUV, 4-wheeler, buggy before the birds even awaken.  At this point they usually expect you to prepare them a "quiet" lunch that doesn't "smell", which is an insult to every person who is NOT experiencing the "Fever".

4. Rushing, quietly of course, into the woods to their deer stand, tree stand, blind, vantage point in order to be there when the deer "come out".  Again, this confuses me, do the deer go INSIDE the night before season??  Where, exactly, are they coming out of?  OR, and this one will piss many, many people off, are the COMING OUT as in OUT of the CLOSET?  That would explain the lack of "amazing" bucks.

5. After wasting a day, and usually not even firing a shot, the weary Fever sufferer will return home only to repeat the process the next day.

So while those of us that don't suffer from this affliction enjoy the warmth and comfort of our homes, perhaps venturing out in order to shoot a doe so we can snicker as the "Fever" sufferer enjoys his dinner after a fruitless day, the weary "Fever" victim will usually sink into a even deeper depression as he waits for the perfect buck to wander his way.

Meanwhile, deep in the woods and hollows of  West Virginia, thousands of deer are laughing their asses off!