Things to say to your friend when.........

So, I have this friend who is constantly whining about her choice in men.  (No E. its’ NOT you)  Anyway, she called today and we, as usual, had the same conversation we’ve been having for the past 4 years.

The conversation went something like this:

HER: I just don’t understand why no man I ever get involved with stays with me!  What’s wrong with me?

ME (being a good friend): There’s nothing wrong with you, it’s the men you pick. (yeah, I lied, but I’m trying to be nice)

HER: It must be me, there’s not that many assholes in the world!

ME (thinking, hmmmmm…..every single person in the world has an asshole): I don’t know honey, I don’t have an answer for you.

HER: *sniff, sniff*  I have to get off of here.  I’ll call you later. (click)

That’s right, no goodbye, no thanks, no nothing but a raging CLICK in my ear. While the ringing was echoing in my head, I began to think of all the things that I should have said and, because I was trying to be a nice person, didn’t say.

THINGS TO SAY TO YOUR FRIENDS WHEN THEY BITCH, WHINE, CRY and ACT LIKE IDIOTS OVER MEN:

Before  you get into a serious relationship, MEET THE FAMILY!!  I know meeting the family is usually after the relationship has gotten serious, but if you meet them beforehand, you will have some idea of whether or not he’s a fucking idiot!  Keep in mind, if you shake the family tree and a bunch of nuts fall out, it’s probably a bad idea to get involved with him.

If he tries to tie your shoes for you every time they come untied, he’s probably been trained to do so.  Now, if you want an obedient man (pet) keep in mind that they require a lot of maintenance (think constant reassurance of your love and his worth) and will get on your nerves very quickly.

If he becomes very possessive and questions what you’re doing, who you’re doing it with, when you’ll be done, sends you mushy love notes all within one week of meeting him…………RUN!

If he thinks he has to shave his back…….RUN IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION!!  Unless of course you’re  trying to get onto MONSTERQUEST, if that’s the case, capture him (before he shaves) and call The History Channel.  (Of course there are those of us that LIKE hairy men….but the fact that he thinks he has to shave his back is a turnoff.)

If he lies every time opens his mouth, you should have sense enough to get away from him.

If he talks, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, even in his sleep or when no one else is in the room, if the dog runs when he speaks….LEAVE NOW…it won’t be long before you place a pillow over his face and end up spending the rest of your life surrounded by women with nicknames like Slasher, Big Bertha, Little Dyke and Morris.

If he trolls the bar 5 nights a week he is either an alcoholic or else he is searching for a new “piece of ass” and you will soon be either a thing of the past or else infected with something you do not want.

If you advance a relationship to the point where you have seen him naked…..notice if his penis looks like a knobby vibrator…..IF it does, RUN, EVEN IF YOU ARE NAKED, TO THE CLOSEST DOOR AND LEAVE…..NOW!!

Remember ladies, Cum is NOT green!! 

If he has a Mommy complex and you’re an independent woman, stay clear!!  You don’t want a grown man that runs to Mommy every time you say a cross word.  Remember, the mothers of Mommies Boys is the source of the problem, it’s not his fault that he never learned to cut his own steak…..you’ll either have to take her place or live with a pouting, spoiled child.  Make the right choice!!

Now, before you men start to bitch and whine and call me a sexist.....here's your list.

THINGS TO SAY TO YOUR FRIENDS WHEN THEY BECOME A WHINING PUSSIES OVER A WOMAN:

She’s dumber than a retired pro wrestler and her voice sound like Minnie Mouse on helium. Does she have a fur lined puss?  Can she suck the chrome off of a bumper hitch?  NO….then What the fuck is wrong with you?

It doesn’t matter how incredible the sex is, if she’s crazier than a shit house rat sooner or later you will be in fear for your life.  Crazy sex is NOT good sex.

If she’s 35 years old and never held a job, yet still owns a house, gets a new car every year, comes up with expensive guitars and jewelry, goes on lavish vacations and you don’t pay for any of them…..SHE IS A WHORE!!  Remember men, WHORES GET PAID!!!!

If the odor of fish lingers around her all morning and you work nights, she must be working nights as well.  (see previous)

Just because it’s called a “flower” doesn’t mean it should have multiple “petals”.  If you’ve never seen one that like looks anything like this, you probably shouldn’t be seeing this one!

Yes, it is a self cleaning orifice, but there is only so much gunk that Mother Nature can clean up after.

Remember, Black boxes are not only in airplanes!!  If one end doesn’t match the other, you will be investing more cash than you want into CLAIROL with no return in sight!

If you come home and your woman is in bed with another woman, it DOES NOT mean she wants a threesome….Tuna doesn’t only come in a can!

If you’ve never seen her without her makeup, DO NOT MARRY HER OR EVEN GET INTO A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP WITH HER.  It would be very tragic if you rolled over one morning and realized you were in bed with your grandmother’s best friend.

No matter how hot she looks at closing time, chances are there’s a reason she’s still there.  Remember gentlemen, Alcohol dims, distorts, and totally fucks up not only your vision, but perhaps the rest of your life.  No one wants that one special call from the Health Department!

No matter which side of the sexual divide you are on, NO ONE want to listen to you whine or cry about the “One that got away”.  Same goes for the drunken babblings about your EX….Remember the X marks the spot, but the EX means Been there, Done that!

The next time my friend calls with a new story of woe, I believe I’ll send her a link to this post…..maybe I won’t wait until she calls.