Silent killer

You know those post on Facebook, the ones about diseases you can’t see and not to judge folks until you walk a mile in their shoes?  If you’re like most people, you get tired of seeing them and after a while simply scroll past them to something more entertaining.  Does that make us indifferent?  Uncaring?  Hard-hearted?

No, it makes us human.

You see, I deal with some of those “invisible diseases”. Fibromyalgia tormented me for years, it caused my life to literally be a living hell filled with mind numbing drugs that did little to control the pain or to improve the weakness in my limbs.  Then I went “off track” to a holistic doctor who told me to begin swimming every day (I was staying someplace where I could do that on a daily basis, not like living here and not having access to a pool) and maybe do some gentle yoga.  The combination of both had an amazing effect on my life and on my health.  I was weaned off the drugs and to this day I manage my fibromyalgia without them.  Unfortunately I don’t swim as much as I should, but the yoga remains a mainstay in my life.  It’s been almost 9 years now and I still do at least a 15 minute routine a day.  And I am still pain free!!

Too bad there isn’t some “magic” fix for depression though.   You see, I have suffered with depression my entire life.  When I was young I had no idea there was anything wrong with me, I thought everyone felt the way I do.  Then, as I grew older and the depression grew deeper, I attempted to take my own life.  Yeah, I know, selfish, stupid, thoughtless.  I’ve heard and thought all of that and more.  But I was lucky, I survived and received treatment.  I learned how to “deal” with the darkness that sometimes descends, and I maintained a level with medication.  Luckily I don’t need the meds all the time, but when I do I gladly take them.

But with the meds come the side effects.  The shitty taste in my mouth, the way food has no taste at all, the way I am always thirsty and, being as sensitive to drugs as I am, the horrible side effect of being shot into mania without any warning at all.  So I have learned a lot of ways of “dealing” with the darkness, the apathy, not wanting to leave my house, not wanting to talk to people…..unfortunately dealing is all I have ever done.

Lately I have been “down” as people like to say.  I have been depressed.  I haven’t left the house, I haven’t talked to many people, I don’t want to go anywhere that involves dealing with other people and their problems.  Hell, I don’t want to deal with my own.

I have become very adapt at putting on a smile when I would rather hide under a rock.  As a matter of a fact, the large majority of people that know me have no idea that I don’t want to see them or talk to them, hell, most days I don’t want to get out of bed.  I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to do anything but sit in the silence and cry.

Living alone makes it easy to withdraw without people noticing.  If  you do it a little bit at a time people get used to not seeing you around, or talking to you on the phone as much as they used to.  Hell, if you’re creative, and I AM creative, you can continue to fool people by acting like  you are in the midst of some creative endeavor.  If you want the truth, being depressed seems to be a way of life for creative people, so many of us keep it so well hidden that not even those closest to us realize.  Just take a second and think about how many actors, painters, singers, writers, photographers and comedians have either died of a drug overdose (self medicating) or outright committed suicide.  Seems like the more talented they are, the more CREATIVE they are the quicker they burn out, become addicted to drugs/alcohol or kill themselves.

Unless……..

They learn to “deal” with their illness, deal with the symptoms.

Oh yeah, the symptoms?  We all have our own take on them.  Mine usually starts with sleeplessness.  Not insomnia exactly, just not being able to sleep because I feel like shit.  My muscles ache and I can’t concentrate on anything.  Reading, one of the things I love to do, becomes work simply because I can’t remember what I just read.  Watching tv is impossible, every single show irritates me.  And the anger, the anger is indescribable.  Everything make me mad, or irritated, or cranky.  Nothing seems to be enjoyable.  And that makes me angry, food doesn’t taste as good, music doesn’t sound as good, and my humor disappears in a black hole of “who gives a fuck?” because I certainly do NOT.

Then there are the crying jags.  Oh, yes, they are fun.  NOT.  Bursting into tears for no reason at all, no song playing in the background that takes me back to a better time, no argument with a loved one, no death, no horrible accident taking place in front of me.  Hell, yesterday I lost it over a commercial!  And not one of those starving kid or abused animal commercials either.  A fucking Verizon cell phone commercial, you know the one with the balls rolling down the slide thing.  Yeah, that one.  Now I know Verizon is expensive, but it’s not THAT expensive.  I know balls rolling down hill can be stressful, but definitely tear worthy.  So obviously it wasn’t the commercial that caused me to burst into tears. 

I was just watching In the Heat of the Night, one of my all time favorite shows EVER!!  Anyway, I was sitting here, watching the show, my mind on a thousand other things, my body in stasis, when suddenly it felt as though I was being crushed by all the misery and pain of the entire world.  The tears were unexpected, and uncontrollable.  The entire episode lasted about ten minutes and ended as abruptly as it began.

To look at me you would have no idea I was certifiably insane (not really, but it seems that way), you would think I was just as normal as anyone else.  You can’t see the pain, the hopelessness, the apathy.  You can’t see that I am struggling to make it through every day, hell through every single hour.  You would have no idea I had a disease that wrecks havoc on my life.

But I do.

If you’ve made it this far, then you should hear the rest.  I don’t want to die.  No, I am NOT thinking about dying, but I do think about death.  I’m telling you this because I NEED to reaffirm that one simple fact, I DO NOT WANT TO DIE.  I CAN get through this, I have time and time again.  I refuse to allow an unseeable, untouchable, and unwanted illness to take control of my life.
I REFUSE TO BE A VICTIM OF MY OWN BODY!!

So the next time you start to scroll past that Facebook post, think about all those people, like me, who struggle ever single day.  We are JUST LIKE YOU.